Author Topic: Feeling lost  (Read 2757 times)

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Offline Louise74

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Feeling lost
« on: February 01, 2018, 03:43:02 PM »
Hi all

I have had a reasonably better few weeks lately but have felt so alone this week.

Me and my husband had words the other night and I have felt so upset since. The argument was trivial and my husband basically took his frustrations out on me because he’s stressed snapping and having a go at me, I initially
stood up for myself and gave it him back. He has a history of sulking and giving the silent treatment through our 20years together but I find it even more soul destroying than ever now. He initially sulked as he always does so I shut myself away and cried all night. Not over him, over my mum not being here to chat or give a hug. The next morning he tried to behave as though nothing happened and I was so upset and mad with him I couldn’t let it go like I normally do, he won’t apologise he rarely does.  Although he can be supportive there have been numerous occasions he’s been mean to me in this last year. I don’t expect to be molly coddled or have everything revolve round me and my grief but it really hurts when he does this.

It’s coming upto nearly a year since I lost my mum (1st March) I used to talk to her everyday and we were very close. When my other half is mean to me i miss my mum even more than usual if that makes sense. It makes me feel like he’s trampling all over my already broken heart.

Sorry to go on just needed somewhere to vent. Am I just being over sensitive. All I can think is why would you want to add to someone’s emotional suffering when they are already finding things hard. Then there are times he has done very thoughtful acts and provided lots of support. I just feel lost like I can’t cope with his unpredictable behaviour along with everything else. He has now distanced himself from me and although speaking it’s very limited I would imagine this is due to the fact I didn’t just forget it and let him get away with it like I usually do.
 
Any replies appreciated.

Hope everyone on here doing okay.

Louise


« Last Edit: February 01, 2018, 04:15:53 PM by Louise74 »

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Feeling lost
« Reply #1 on: February 01, 2018, 08:13:21 PM »
The first year is still hard, and I think its hard for people around us to understand that. I know I felt quite lonely and had more arguments with my partner - even though they know you've lost a loved one they cant grasp it is still hurting.
Even though the journey keeps gradually getting easier I found the 2nd year had its own challenges.  At times like this be gentle with yourself and call on support from friends (including here), that will help alot.  I'd say mainly your partner isnt likely to mean being hurtful, he just doesnt grasp how it still hurts  :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Louise74

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Re: Feeling lost
« Reply #2 on: February 02, 2018, 11:18:41 AM »
Hi Emz

Thank you for the reply, I'm feeling a little better today. I felt so down yesterday, I feel I get through most of the time but if anyone throws any other upset at me it sets me off again. My husband can be supportive but i think hes struggling himself at the moment with his own stress not that thats an excuse to be mean with me. He has a poor relationship with his own family and cant communicate with them over certain issues as it always turns into a big row so he hardly sees his parents which i find such a shame as i on the other hand had a good relationship with my mum and cant be with her because shes no longer here. Ive suggested maybe he see a counsellor or something to try and resolve things but he is reluctant to go so i try to stay out of it.
 
Ive been out shopping this morning and bought a little votive candle and glass holder with nice words about mum on it so i feel i can light it for her that cheered me up abit. The sun is shining here for a change aswell so thats good.

I hope you are having a good day.

Louise

Offline Karena

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Re: Feeling lost
« Reply #3 on: February 02, 2018, 12:28:32 PM »
I Emz is right i think the second year takes us by suprise because of the completely misplaced idea in society that grief has some kind of sell by date and turns off after a year,so we should let go and start being "normal" again -  it doesnt and when that happens we start to question ourselves that we are in some way not "normal".

I guess your husband  not being close too his mum makes it difficult for him too understand the closeness you had with yours, so he is a bit lost as too how too support you ,maybe even feels that even though he tries he cant make it all better -no one can but perhaps he cant understand that and if he,s stressed anyway  and it is piling up maybe he is feeling inadequate.

The fact you acted differently by not letting him get away with it this time round has also probably thrown him out of kilter and he has no idea what to do now.
Dont get me wrong you were absolutely justified in doing that, and as a mum myself if  it was one of my daughters i think your mum would have felt the same - but its new behaviour too him, after 20 years of you rolling over - so maybe give him a get out clause for this situation, so that you can at least talk too him more calmly - and then let him know that this behaviour is very negative and hurtful towards you and even though you know he has his own issues it isnt fair too you and it has too change for both your sakes.

Offline Louise74

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Re: Feeling lost
« Reply #4 on: February 02, 2018, 02:08:33 PM »
Hi Karena

Thank you for the reply.

I also think some people do expect that you should be "over it" by the end of the first year but I usually find that a lot of these people have not lost somebody yet or if they have maybe they didn't have a very close bond with them?

I think for some reason this time with my husband I reacted differently because I finally felt I had reached the end of my tether with his babyish behaviour. He has always reacted like a child when there is conflict and I know I should have put my foot down many times over the years as its not helped matters with us. I'm a laid back person and i don't like being fell out with people.  I feel sorry for my husband sometimes as i don't really think he knows any different way, his dad has a short temper and his mum sulks just like him, they have had many longstanding fueds and i feel for them all really because they are all good people. I spoke to my counsellor recently about the stress of it all in our house on top of me grieving and she agreed they have to sort it out themselves. I did mention to my husband this morning about maybe us going for couples counselling and he looked shocked and said he didn't think the issue was with us just stress and a general feeling fed upness with us all in the house. I haven't actually told him how hurtful and upsetting his behaviour was the other night and will approach him over this, what i don't get is why he would not even think or be aware of this without spelling it out to him. He knows how much i miss my mum so why would i want to be fell out and feeling alone.

I hope your having a good day.

Louise

Offline Jody27

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Re: Feeling lost
« Reply #5 on: February 03, 2018, 03:19:07 AM »
Hey Louise.

I just joined tonight and yours is the 1st post I have read. I cannot believe how similar my situation is to yours in relation to our partners. Like yourself I to am with him for a long time, 21 years and my dad's 1st anniversary is also in March. This could possibly be where the similarities end but I had a lightbulb switched on in my brain today & just in case you can relate to any of it, I'm going to share with you.

He has been trying to tell me for weeks now that I am not right. I am not myself, I have become lazy, I have let myself go, I'm not interested in the house, we are living in a pig sty. I would rather spend all day in bed at the weekends, than spend time with him. These have not been his exact words but its what I'm hearing when he tries to talk to me. He has been giving of about my attitude to work. Going in late, ringing in for days of and taking a lot of half days for no reason other than to come home and sleep. I actually told him the other night that he is a nag!!! I thought the women were meant to be nags!! Some things have been very harsh when said in anger from both sides. The more he says the angrier I get and the more i try to hurt him, like I'm hurting. I have been so angry with him and I am the sulker, so things drag out even longer. He lost his mum 7 years ago and should understand how I feel!! This has caused so many very heated arguments.

That all changed for me today. I was asked to call round to my manager, to have a how are you doing chat with her. When what she really meant was its a you are not coping at all chat. Everything my hubby has been trying to tell me was repeated back to me today. Minus the house stuff as she hasn't seen inside here lately!! A few of my colleagues had spoke with her because they know I am struggling. They have noticed the changes in me. We work in a very busy office and because ive been totally thinking of only myself I have been adding undue pressure on them. Skiving of, taking extra long breaks etc Some of who I count as friends and not just colleagues and this is totally unacceptable to me to think that I have done this. I have been talking with one of them tonight and she did try to speak with me a couple of weeks ago and I brushed her of. I have had my head buried in the sand, fooling no-one but myself that I have been coping and am just fine. Hearing exactly the same thing as my hubby has been trying to tell me from an outsider has opened my eyes. I came home spent an hr talking to him and told him not to speak until I had finished. I have got everything out in the open, exactly how I'm feeling, told him what really annoys me, what sets me of. Things like when he says you'll be ok and you'll get through this!!! How does he know this?? Or and this one really gets me going 'you need to relax and stop worrying' seriously!!!! telling me when I am seconds away from having a panic attack to relax is not the right thing to do!! However you don't know how much of a relief it was when he hugged me, said thank god that someone has been able to get through and that his only concern was that I did not slip any further down the route I was heading. I'm fine has become my favourite phrase at the minute when someone asks. He is 100% behind me and hates to see me hurting and is just so glad that I'm actually going to do something to try and get on track. I'm not going to say normal, as things for me will never be normal again.

I am in no way saying that this is same for yourself, but I wanted to let you know in circumstances like this you are not alone. And hopefully if you sit him down and talk he will be able to see your points.

I hope that things will start to get easier as people have been suggesting. I just hope that its soon. xxxx
 

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Feeling lost
« Reply #6 on: February 03, 2018, 08:13:24 AM »
There are many edges to grief that can be quite subtle/not clearly seen, my partner took on doing the majority of the housework for quite some time as I just couldnt do it. It wasnt that I chose not to, I just didnt seem to have the thought patterns/energy to do so for quite a while

I too found I struggled with work, it lost/changed all meaning and I found for a while, later in the first year/second year i would react in ways I didnt recognise - would get very short tempered too.   

This year is the 5 year anniversary of losing my dad suddenly, I can promise you that it does keep gradually getting easier to cope - it can be slow, but keep talking with people, it does help xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Louise74

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Re: Feeling lost
« Reply #7 on: February 03, 2018, 09:58:29 AM »
Hi Jody

Thank you for your comments and for sharing how you have been also. It helps me to also see and understand why someone sulks and tends to bury there head in the sand so to speak as their way of dealing with things. I tend to forget my husband is hurting also because I get so annoyed and upset with him when he does it.
I totally understand how you have been feeling and can see how you've struggled to show interest or motivate yourself as its very difficult, all I can say is keeping busy and going to work, meeting friends etc no matter how hard has helped me the most even though you don't realise it at the time. I went on 2 family holidays abroad last year which I found hard but had moments I enjoyed while I was there. I have suffered with panic attacks and severe anxiety also over the years which probably taught me some valuable lessons that I definitely feel or get worse if I sit and dwell on it instead of finding occupation/interests.
Its good that you have got everything out in the open with your husband, I definitely have some more talking to do with mine although he has been better the last few days. Thanks for the support. Hope things improve for you soon.

Hi Emz

It does help to talk, I find it so supportive on here and it gives me hope, I know life without my mum will never be the same but I believe you and the others on here when you say it does get easier to cope and I have glimpsed the moments and days more recently where I am feeling better. Thanks for your support.

Louise

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Feeling lost
« Reply #8 on: February 03, 2018, 04:54:50 PM »
 :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx