Author Topic: Heloo  (Read 1505 times)

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Offline Leehebs

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Heloo
« on: November 16, 2018, 08:53:59 PM »
My wife of 30 years passed away two weeks ago from Lymphoma. We were given very short notice, first we were told she had a year, hard but we made plans, two weeks later we were told she had a few months , then a week after that we were told we had weeks, thankfully we managed to get her home from the mainland hospitals where she had been for five months and I had the great , not sure if you will get this,privilege  of being to nurse her at home in our bed for three weeks until she died in my arms on Nov 9.   

Now I am just, lost, out of my depth, I keep turning to talk to her, thinking , oh I will tell Adele that and she is not there. I really just want to curl up and die, but I promised her I would carry on.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Heloo
« Reply #1 on: November 17, 2018, 08:52:12 AM »
Sending you a welcome hug  :hug:
It is a tough journey we have many members here who are going through the same journey, some quite some time along the journey. Hope you find the forum a source of support Xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Stevie wee

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Re: Heloo
« Reply #2 on: November 19, 2018, 09:13:31 AM »
I'm I'm much the same position as yourself. I lost my wife September and am really struggling to get over so many emotions. Guilt loss anxiety fear. At the moment I can only remember the time she had in hospital. Her passing in my arms. Nothing nice makes it through these feelings and like you I don't see the point in going on. I'm even punishing myself by not eating what's that all about. There is so much I don't understand. Everyone says she would be unhappy with the way I am feeling, and I know she would if she was here but she isn't. Sorry I know it don't cheer you up or make things any easier but at least you know your not alone in the way you are feeling.

Offline Karena

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Re: Heloo
« Reply #3 on: November 19, 2018, 11:44:03 AM »
Hi to both of you - knowing you are not alone on this journey does offer some comfort at a time when you may be surrounded by people who havent been through this experience.certainly for me this place was invaluable for writing down how i was feeling but also for the replys of people who were sharing this horrible journey.
I lost my husband and as some-one who is much further down the road now, i can still empathise with your feelings about having no point in your life any more -not eating etc because that was me in the erly days. Take small steps and be kind to yourself - not just in the physical sense of things like eating, but in understanding that there will be times when life doesnt feel worth anything and sometimes you will take one of those steps forward and get knocked back again but each time you wont fall quite as far into the pit and get back out a bit quicker than the last time.

Like any physical injury Grief needs time to heal but unlike a physical injury there are no plaster casts and so people cannot see it the same way - and we dont think of it the same way ourselves - but with a physical injury you would know that for a long time you will need to rest and then learn to walk again one step at a time before you can even think about running a marathon or climbing a mountain and that you may always have a limp or an ache, but that you can learn to live with that.

In time you will start to replace those end of life memorys with the memorys of the people they were in their whole life.We are all different of course but for me one of the ways i did that was to actively go back to the places we love and plant wild daffodils - its counter-intuitive because you think going back will be too painful - and it is painful but no more painful than your lives are now - but at the same time you start to remember them as they were when you were there -imagine in your mind a pack of cards and every time a horrible memory is on top you can replace it with a happier one - but you have to collect those happier cards so that they outnumber the bad ones and that for me was a way of doing it -as well as creating a living memorial. He loved daffodils because they heralded spring and so for me it felt like a fitting tribute as well as, for me, becoming places of comfort i can return too.
Just planning and doing it also gave me an incentive to carry on, followed by trying to do some of those things we talked about doing but didnt get round too -because even though he was no longer physically here, for me the key was not to break the bond between us but to carry him forward with me by living my life for both of us and allowing him to continue to be the influence behind what i do.

I miss his physical presence every day - i expect i always will - and sometimes i find myself laughing at something and  then wondering why my face is laughing but my heart is not -and knowing that i am a very different person to who i was -  but i no longer want to die - in fact i very much want to live.

Offline Leehebs

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Re: Heloo
« Reply #4 on: November 19, 2018, 12:34:03 PM »
Unfortunately I know very much how you feel Stevie, everyone say how well I am coping and how well I did looking after Adele, what they don,t know is I given up, the reason I can eat, carry on working, look after my grandson is I just don,t care any longer. No purpose, I got a letter the other day , a silly invite to a over sixties Christmas dinner, I am 60, first thing I did was laugh and turn to Adele to laugh with her and she was not there.   I can,t say anything to make your grief any easier Stevie , apart from your not alone, take care . Lee

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Heloo
« Reply #5 on: November 20, 2018, 12:00:05 AM »
Hello to both of you and I am so sorry to hear of your losses. I can assure you the feelings you are experiencing are perfectly normal. I've been through the exact same feelings. I lost my mum a little over a year ago and I couldn't help but feel that there was no more purpose left to keep going and I often forgot to eat or drink and didn't want to anyway. But you have to remind yourself that you were loved by the person you have lost and that they would not want you to give up. You are the repository for the memories of them that you will always carry with you and by making the best of your own continuing life and remembering them as you go on, is a way of honouring their memory. It is true, it may not seem like it at present, but the memories of your loved ones' passing will become less and the happy memories of their life will increase as time goes by and the pain, though it will always be there, will become less raw. You are both still at very early stages in your grief and it will lessen. You will never get over it, it will become part of you, but so will the memories you treasure of the person you have lost. Try to make yourself eat and rest. I still cannot sleep properly over a year on from losing my mum, and I still have bad days and bad weeks, but I also have better ones. Grief is the hardest thing we ever have to go through, so just be kind to yourself. Perhaps, in a few months time, find some interest you can take up to take you out of yourself, if only for a few hours a week. It may help. It helped me. Until then, try walks in the park and revisiting places you both liked to go. That too helps, because it rekindles good memories and does help ease the pain somewhat. Try to stay strong. Life is still worth living, it's just hard to see that at the moment. Sending hugs...

Offline Karena

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Re: Heloo
« Reply #6 on: November 21, 2018, 12:56:47 PM »
lee i often do that in the early days, as you did because there is still that moment when we forget and turn too them, but now because in talking too him sometimes just focussing like that gives you the answers they would have done
I know the things that he would have laughed at, and so in sharing that am able to smile about them myself -  the daft things that he would have warned me not to do like standing on a chair and not a step-ladder -  i talked to him when i broke down and was in a panic (he was a mechanic) and in just doing that calmed down and figured out the answer - its a way we can keep them with us and think of them not just as the person we lost but the person we loved and the ways they brought happiness too us..