Author Topic: Struggling with a few things  (Read 1660 times)

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Offline dgm916

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Struggling with a few things
« on: March 06, 2018, 10:08:59 AM »
Hi All,

 I could well ramble on a bit, and a lot of it won't roll well, but here goes.

On 10th February of last year, I got a phone call from my dad saying that my mum had gone into hospital after she had requested an ambulance, this was very unusual as she would never go to a doctor, so knew it was serious. I live in Cambridgeshire, and dad is in Scotland, a round trip of approx. 720 miles. He was very calm, again unusual as he is a very emotional person and his voice cracks at the slightest thing.

I rang the hospital, and they suggested we get up there ASAP as they weren't sure if she would make it through the day. So off we go, a very quiet and sombre drive up there. We go into the room where she was and she had a huge oxygen mask on, the first time I had ever seen my mum in what I would call a vulnerable way. The nurse took off the mask so she could talk, and the first thing she said was, "Must be serious if they have dragged you up here" and said it with a smile. She then got onto chatting as normal, but my dad insisted on talking about football and rugby scores of the day.

I went and spoke to one of the doctors, and they said that they had done some tests, and were awaiting the results, but the mask was there to force oxygen to the bottom of her lungs, and to help her breath better. The next day, she was moved to a general ward, and the oxygen levels were reduced, and she was sitting up in bed. She told us that we had to go back home, because we had the kids being looked after, and there was school and work etc. One thing I always learnt from my mum, was do as you're told :-).

We came back on the 14th and kept in contact with the hospital, to find out progress, and they were telling me that she was chatty and responding well. On the 16th, the hospital suggested we get back there quick as she had deteriorated quickly. Off we go, only to find when we get there, that she is sat up and coherent. She just "back again?, don't listen to this lot”. We came back down on the 18th after taking a day to relax a bit. The next day, the hospital rang to say she really wasn't well at all, and to get there now. We went back on the 19th, and she had declined and was just begging me to do something for her. I went to find out what was going on from the docs, to be told that she had a major lung infection and a collapsed lung, they were giving her anti biotics and morphine, but said that they hadn't told my mum what she was on and they didn't feel that she understood what was happening. I went and told my mum what they were giving her, and she said that she was in control of what happened with her life, and that she didn't want thses things given to her. She told them that she was now declining all medication, and that what will be, will be. My dad at this point, after only being there for half an hour, wanted to get home to get to the bookies, we said he would havve to wait, and he started kicking off, and so mum told me that he was embarrassing her and to take him home.

Next morning at 6.10am, I got a phone call from the hospital to say that she had been moved to a side room and to get there quickly. After eventually managing to explain to my dad what was happening, we got there at 6.35am only to find that she had died at 6.30am.

We were invited into the room to spend some time with her, and she looked so peaceful, and I knew that she was finally out of pain, and had got what she wanted at the end. The first thing my dad said, was “Get all her stuff together”. My wife had a very good relationship with my mum, and looked on her as her own mum, as she is estranged from her own.

After a little while, and talking to, and thanking, the hospital staff, we went home, I went into the kitchen to make a coffee, when I went back in the front room, I discovered that my dad had gone to the bookies!!!!! I was furious.

When he came back, I asked him why he had gone to the bookies, he said that he always goes up there in the morning.

Over the next few days, I made all the funeral arrangements, contacted insurance companies, informed as many friends and family as I could, all the while, dad was going to the bookies.

With the funeral done, dad said to me that he didn’t have a clue what to do with finances etc, and asked if I could help. I said the only way I could help properly was by becoming his POA, he agreed to this, and so it was all done. Upon starting to go through things and getting my head around what was outstanding etc, I noticed that he was withdrawing £200 a day from his bank, and had been sending cheques off to various companies and people (and I still don’t know what some of them were for). I had been arranging his home shopping deliveries, talking to companies to make payment plans etc. When he got down to his last £1000, he went to the bank, changed accounts, bank cards etc, and I have no way now of finding out what he is up to, or finding out if bills are getting paid. I have got it so his mail is redirected so I can keep an eye on some things, and deal with things as much as possible. He is also clearing out his house, and I have had to arrange many courier collections for things he doesn’t want there including his wedding photos. He phones me at least 6 times a day for pointless things like he has just been to tesco for pickled onions etc.

He doesn’t talk about her much, but gets emotional when talking about my brother who died in 1984.

He is driving me crazy, and I am now under the doctor because of his ways.

Am I wrong in thinking that he is extremely selfish and inconsiderate?

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Struggling with a few things
« Reply #1 on: March 08, 2018, 06:24:48 PM »
Hi, i don't think k you are wrong to have those feelings, I lost Dad when I was 25, 20 years ago, suddenly in August I lost Mum,I was with her I tried so hard to keep her alive but I couldn't, Mum was taken away by the undertaker at 11pm by 10 am the next day my brother was at Mums house clearing out Mums stuff, I had to go or I would have lost everything of hers, but my anger, resentment festered for a very long time, and I can't pretend I am okay with it most of the time now,  but, after therapy I am learning to try and understand how others have way of coping, I still struggle, he caused me so much pain when it could of been avoided .. my brother used to find my Mother a nuisance and I will always think he was a little grateful, but I don't think your Dad does, he just doesn't know what else to do, and focusing on your brother helps divert his mind from the present,

It's hard when you are grieving yourself to allow others to ,not conform shall I say, but you will get there just concentrate on your grief, deal with that, and then eventually you will be able to let others deal with it.

Thinking of you x

Offline Karena

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Re: Struggling with a few things
« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2018, 11:43:49 AM »
I think going to the bookies talking about rugby football etc -trying to carry on as "normal" and not thinking about what is happening is possibly some sort of displacement action -because if he is an emotional person anyway, losing your mum is way over what he can manage -and is afraid of breaking down and losing control of of his emotions completely.
Quite often one new grief does trigger an older one -and because that is from a long time ago he feels more able to talk about that and still retain some emotional control which he cant with your mum.Again the trivial conversations on the phone sugest he wants to know youre there but doesnt know how to talk about the bigger thing -so all this points to some sort of inability too keep some kind of control.
Maybe he even believes that packing up the house and sending her stuff away means he can forget it happened, forget her even -of course it wont and he wont, but grief doesnt always make much space for logical thought he may come to regret it especially the wedding album.

I guess he doesnt realise the effect his behaviour is having on others,or is even thinking that you are grieving too.The money situation is worrying - is his spending another displacement activity -possibly -but at the same time daily trips too the bookies -from what he said seems to be something he has been doing for a while beforehand -so perhaps this is an addiction problem which goes back further, and again because he cannot control of that aspect of his life and now this too he cant cope.
Either way i really dont see what more you can do if he is now hiding his bank from you,but keep the lines of communication open and if that means talking trivia on the phone thats what it has to be -perhaps over time he will be able to change that.

as twinkle says though, you are grieving too and so is your wife, The two of you pulling together too help each other (and your children too if they were close too their gran) through your own grief is perhaps something you can focus on, rather than the confusion around your dads behaviour.