Author Topic: Work and guilt Arrrgh  (Read 1995 times)

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Offline Pambo

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Work and guilt Arrrgh
« on: March 20, 2018, 03:59:56 PM »
Hi I've just been signed off work for another four weeks I just don't want to be there at the moment I feel that I don't ever want to go back right now is that normal !!? Then later  today got a message from colleague that staff under pressure and understaffed. Talk about guilty Im despairing at the moment not only do I feel that I've let my husband down by not coping but now letting my boss and work colleagues down grief sucks I don't know how I'm to carry on when I'm in so much pain right now   :cray:

Offline Karena

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Re: Work and guilt Arrrgh
« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2018, 11:28:12 AM »
 :hug: its not your fault and you have not let anyone down -imagine if you went to work and because you cant posibly be expected to concentrate made an error -which had catastrophic effects. Your colleague could have simply been trying to make some kind of general chat -rather than trying to make you fel guilty -maybe they were trying to make you feel wanted and needed, but if their motives are selfish they wouldnt be texting you if you had a physical injury  they cannot possibly understand what is going on unless this has happened too them -and even then everyone reacts differently.
 You havnt let your husband down either -we are not some kind of automaton that just carries on regardless -even though society sometimes would prefer us to be, but your husband would understand that you are not a robot  -if the situation was reversed would you expect him too have been. But guilt is also part of grief and we will look for anything we can find to feel guilty about.
I went back too work too early i made a couple of mistakes sent the wrong invoices too the wrong customers - Fortunately my boss is a human and i didnt get into trouble. When i wasnt making mistakes  i was in a corner crying some-where no use to anyone.
One thing others have done is to arrange a phased return to work -maybe your company would consider that -so you dont get thrown in at the deep end when you do return.

I also understand your not wanting to go back -part of it is that guilt thing -because going back sugests a return to "normal" and yet how can anything be normal ever again.
Part of it is not wanting to face colleagues -how will they re-act will their sympathy leave you a sobbing mess - will their lack of it do the same. One of my bosses although not without sympathy  was telling me all about an argument at home with his wife about the colour of their kitchen units - like i gave dam - i wanted to scream at him -lifes too short let her chose she might be gone tomorow -but i didnt -somehow you learn to bite your tongue - and i know he was a young lad -never lost anyone - but at least trying to make conversation despite feeling he didnt know what to say.
Also there is a feeling of how pointless it all is -here we are slaving away to put a roof over our heads when under that roof is a house full of empty rooms where the most deafening sound is the silence. In my case my whole job is pretty pointless Who cares if some-one got the wrong invoice or an advert doesnt get done on time -its all trivial compared to this loss.

In its favour, however, work does at least give your day structure -you have to get up,get dressed,clean your teeth, brush your hair, and eat in order to do it -and often we dont want to do that and when off sick dont have too -but if we have to work we do - Routine is dull and boring, but routine also helps us deal with the things that have happened which are completely the opposite of it. its a small step forward but small steps are the only ones possible. :hug:

Offline sallymk1

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Re: Work and guilt Arrrgh
« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2018, 06:01:35 PM »
Hi Pambo

I cannot really add anything more to Karena's post but just to say I know that all staff are pushed at the moment. I have been off work for nearly four months. Three on sick and then unused annual leave till the end of March. I start a phased return next week. I am dreading it, my colleagues tell me about the changes and the continued staff shortages so I don't know how I will cope.
What I will say though is that I needed the time off, there is no way in the world I could have done my job. I still don't know if I can but I have to try. I have only 15 hours the first week and 22.5 the second week. I can take two more weeks of short time but I have to use annual leave for it. Please do not feel guilty whichever way your colleagues meant the texts. You have to do whats right for you and again as Karena said, at this point in time work is unimportant. I can't say you will know when you will feel like returning to work, take the month and then review it with yourself and your boss and GP.
Take care, sending you peace of mind if I could.
Pam

Offline Pambo

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Re: Work and guilt Arrrgh
« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2018, 05:49:30 PM »
Hello again thank you for replies I was off work last year whilst my husband was in hospital and as I was my husbands carer before he went into hospital I've had to have time off when he has been ill  or hospital appointments etc . I did have phased back to work in October and was still working three days a week until a month ago. My employers have been OK so far but I feel there might be a time when they give me an ultimatum. I feel so distraught it wasn't supposed to happen  like this  we were supposed to grow old together and we had so much planned .

Offline Karena

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Re: Work and guilt Arrrgh
« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2018, 12:35:41 PM »
 :hug: :hug: :hug:
perhaps the worry about the potential ultimatum is more frightening than the reality -sometimes the best way through this is to just take each day as it comes.

We had plans to move too our favourite holiday spot in Wales,live in a caravan off his pension and whatever casual work i could pick up. Afetr he died I thought i would never go there again how would it ever be the same -but at some point i also thought the best thing i could do would be to go ahead and carry out some of those plans  -do things we already loved to do,planned to do, even things he might have loved to do and i wouldnt -as a kind of tribute i suppose or a way to be his eyes on the world - just planning to do them gave me a focus -created a goal so to speak and even though the big plan just isnt feasable any more, i do go back every year. The first was difficult but now and its actually a place i still feel very close too him.

Offline sallymk1

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Re: Work and guilt Arrrgh
« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2018, 01:22:34 PM »
Hi again,
Lifes a bitch at times isn't it. I had planned to take early retirement in July of this year to concentrate on just being together as he had spent so much time dealing with my horrendous shift patterns. I guess that won't be happening now. I do however have to make some decisions this coming January - I will have had thirty years in and my supperan will be complete. If I carried on working full time after that I will be paying a considerable amount of my wages into something that I won't get any benefit from - something like 12.5% of my salary for nothing. Anyway that is a rant, just wishing you peace, take care and look after yourself.
Respect
Pam

Offline longedge

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Re: Work and guilt Arrrgh
« Reply #6 on: March 23, 2018, 07:01:44 PM »
Hi Pam - I'd put off making any binding decisions for as long as praticable. I know everybody has different experiences of work but it is a way of keeping some purpose and structure in your life. Even if it's nothing more, it's a reason to get out of bed in the morning and a way of mixing with other people both of which are missing for some of us  :rolleyes:  :smiley:.
I'll never get over losing her and I used to think that eventually
I would learn to live with it - that's not happened yet.

        ~ I'm George by the way ~

Offline Pambo

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Re: Work and guilt Arrrgh
« Reply #7 on: March 24, 2018, 04:37:03 PM »
Hello thank you to everyone who has replied to my posts it seems I'm not alone in having dreams and expectations dashed in an instant., my heart goes out to everyone on this site that is struggling with bereavement and making decisions whilst in so much pain 😦 It seems the ultimatum that I'm worried about may be sooner than I thought as I received a recorded delivery letter from my workplace asking me for permission to contact my GP about my illness am I I'll !!!!! No I'm broken hearted sorry I'm ranting ## I know that protocol has to be followed and employers have to be careful regarding what's happening with an employee but its so impersonal and I'm saddened . All I want is for my husband to say its OK whatever happens and Any decision I make will be the right one. I've been today to visit his grave and it still feels like its happened to someone else not me I know each day brings different challenges I hope tomorrow is a better day .   :hug: Pam

Offline KarinaLianne

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Re: Work and guilt Arrrgh
« Reply #8 on: March 25, 2018, 09:12:09 AM »
Hi, I'm going back to work tomorrow just for four hours. I work at the GP surgery that I'm registered at (which is useful!) and they aren't sure about me going back so soon, so we agreed just three mornings this week, and next week will only be one day because of Easter and I already had time booked off because me and my husband were going to Ireland. It was going to be the first time we had gone away alone. My children are also going back to school, we figured we should all go for it on the same day and see how it goes.