Author Topic: Recent loss and feel terrible  (Read 12371 times)

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Offline alan2273

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Recent loss and feel terrible
« on: September 04, 2016, 09:09:21 PM »
Hi, there,
              My wife passed away 5 days ago, which meant she was in pain no longer.
After 44 years marriage I miss her so much, and the heartache does not seem to diminish, it seems to get worse.
My nearest relatives are hundreds of miles away and because of the wifes dementia and my caring for her for the last 3 years all our friends seem to have disappeared.
Does it really get better with the passage of time.
 :hearts:
« Last Edit: September 05, 2016, 05:00:58 PM by alan2273 »

Offline Hubby

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Re: REcent loss and feel terrible
« Reply #1 on: September 04, 2016, 10:58:17 PM »
Hi Alan.

Welcome to the forum, so sorry to hear of your loss.

We all grieve differently and in our own way but 5 days is no time at all and you will probably still be feeling a bit numb and unable to take the loss in.

I lost my wife just over 5 months ago. Things actually seemed to get worse after the funeral and, like you, I wondered if they would get better over time. Certainly I now have longer periods where I can cope and sometimes even entire days but there are also moments where the grief is even stronger.

Speaking to others even five months in is not long so I can't tell you if it gets better but I can tell you that it slowly becomes easier to cope even though sometimes it doesn't feel that way.

Wishing you strength.

Offline Julie Magson

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Re: REcent loss and feel terrible
« Reply #2 on: September 05, 2016, 03:28:58 PM »
5 days- so new and raw for you Alan. I lost my Alan in May this year so I really can't say whether it gets any easier or not. I also cared for him for 2 years and we were married for 44 years too. I am relieved for Alan that he is no longer in pain or all the indignities that came with his illness but I am struggling to get through each day. Believe me we all understand the journey you're on- I hope we can help and support you.

Offline Brian71

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Re: REcent loss and feel terrible
« Reply #3 on: September 05, 2016, 04:34:48 PM »
Hello Alan,   I can only echo the thoughtful posts by Hubby and Julie, all on here have gone through what you are feeling, and there is nothing worse.  It does get easier with time,  but it happens very slowly,  it's 5mths since I lost my own wife to whom I'd been married for almost 49yrs.  I miss her every single day, and rarely does an hour pass when I don't think about her,  but somehow we have to exist and manage the best we can.
5 days is very early and it's raw for you,  I remember my 1st week after my wife passed away very suddenly,  I felt absolutely awful,  I was sleep deprived too as I'd stayed with her all 4 nights and so had not slept,  my mind was all over the place, and indeed we find it hard to grasp what's happened.    I know in my case it took a few days for it to sink in,  I still wake up some mornings now thinking it was just a nightmare,  people don't realise how we feel,  because they simply have not gone through it themselves, and unless one has, they truly do not have any idea.

When you have loved someone for so long and they were your life, it's something I don't think we ever get over,  but yes with time it can become a little more bearable.  In the early days,  it was rare to go a day without me crying hysterically because I miss my wife so much, and I still do quite often,  they say that's a release valve for us...I don't know,  but I am going longer periods between crying sessions.
There were times when I felt really low, and wondered whether I want to continue, but there are family members to consider and so I keep taking it a day at a time...a phrase used often on here, because that's all we can do.
Rest assured Alan we do know what you are feeling, and I hope in some small way posting on here may help you,  sometimes sharing and talking about it can help, it's what makes this forum so unique, you are among friends here who are experiencing the same as you.

You take care my friend   :hug:
« Last Edit: September 05, 2016, 04:43:58 PM by Brian71 »

Offline pennyking

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Re: Recent loss and feel terrible
« Reply #4 on: September 05, 2016, 08:27:08 PM »
Welcome Alan to our forum.  So sorry for your loss.  5 days is no time at all.  Don't expect too much from yourself.  You are at the beginning of your roller coaster ride that is grief.  Sending hugs, Penny x

Offline longedge

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Re: Recent loss and feel terrible
« Reply #5 on: September 06, 2016, 01:26:29 AM »
Hello Alan,
It's almost a year ago now since I was in your place. Numb, totally numb and it was several months before reality struck me. Everybody reacts differently at different times but in the end we all go through the same reactions and emotions. Some will shock you and sometimes you won't even recognise yourself. It's all 'normal' whatever that means. If you have the opportunity, as I did, to join a suport group then it's well worth doing. You need to talk to people in the same situation that you are in even if it's only to convince yourself that you aren't going round the twist. If there's nothing else, then this is a great place to come and 'let it all out'.
I'll never get over losing her and I used to think that eventually
I would learn to live with it - that's not happened yet.

        ~ I'm George by the way ~

Offline alan2273

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Re: Recent loss and feel terrible
« Reply #6 on: September 07, 2016, 05:18:53 PM »
I went to the chapel of rest today to see my wife, I know that not everyone could do that but it was my personal choice and I shall go there every day till the funeral which I am not looking forward to.
I have to see the minister tonight then everything is taken care of.
The only hold up now will be how long it takes to sort the probate out.


Offline Julie Magson

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Re: Recent loss and feel terrible
« Reply #7 on: September 07, 2016, 07:19:15 PM »
Special hugs to you today, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, you just do whatever you need to do to help you get through this. I had to go the probate route and it is just about coming to an end now (3 months).
Somehow you WILL make it through the funeral- you probably won't believe that but something comes from somewhere to help you through.  :hug:

Offline longedge

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Re: Recent loss and feel terrible
« Reply #8 on: September 07, 2016, 08:03:48 PM »
"it was my personal choice" - That is absolutely right Alan. This is a time when you should choose what's right for you and don't worry about what other people might think. The funeral was a big "watershed" for me, the point at which everyhing was done and reality started to hit me. Accept help when it's offered and keep talking especially to people who have been there themselves if you can.
I'll never get over losing her and I used to think that eventually
I would learn to live with it - that's not happened yet.

        ~ I'm George by the way ~

Offline alan2273

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Re: Recent loss and feel terrible
« Reply #9 on: September 07, 2016, 09:06:26 PM »
"it was my personal choice" - That is absolutely right Alan. This is a time when you should choose what's right for you and don't worry about what other people might think. The funeral was a big "watershed" for me, the point at which everyhing was done and reality started to hit me. Accept help when it's offered and keep talking especially to people who have been there themselves if you can.
Yes that is what worries me at the moment when the reality will kick in, because seeing her at the chapel of rest, I can still talk to her but after with no relatives close to me I will finally be on my own.

Offline Hubby

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Re: Recent loss and feel terrible
« Reply #10 on: September 07, 2016, 10:37:41 PM »
If you are anything like me Alan you will still be able to talk to her after the funeral, maybe eve more so. I find that I talk to Margaret all the time.

Offline Brian71

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Re: Recent loss and feel terrible
« Reply #11 on: September 07, 2016, 10:57:58 PM »

Yes that is what worries me at the moment when the reality will kick in, because seeing her at the chapel of rest, I can still talk to her but after with no relatives close to me I will finally be on my own.

As Hubby stated you will likely still be speaking to her well after her funeral Alan,   It's been 5 months for me and it's rare a day goes by when I'm not speaking to my wife Ann...probably sounds barmy Alan,  but I'm told it's quite normal.   I keep a photograph clipped under the passenger side sun visor in the car of her,  and on the way back home this evening I was telling her about what I'd been doing today,   I do that often,  I always say good morning to her when I get up, and always tell her how much I miss her and love her before saying goodnight when I get into bed.

An elderly gentleman I met in Dartmouth a few months ago told me he does the same,  he was 86yrs of age and had lost his wife 2 yrs previously and he talks to her all the time, and even takes her casket out for a drive in his car.   He said I can tell you,  but anyone else would likely have me locked away...lol....they were married for 62yrs.   I think we've chatted over the phone about 3 times since.
When you have been together all your life, in our case 49yrs,  the impact afterwards is dramatic, I can think of nothing worse, as we often say on here,  all we can do is take it one day at a time.  Coping day to day will get easier,  but it's a very long and slow process,  for many of us, I doubt we will ever really stop grieving, but with time it will become a little more bearable Alan.....well at least I hope so, as I'm still struggling emotionally myself some days.
 :hug:
« Last Edit: September 07, 2016, 11:19:54 PM by Brian71 »

Offline alan2273

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Re: Recent loss and feel terrible
« Reply #12 on: September 07, 2016, 11:04:25 PM »
I was with my wife for 44 years and words cannot describe how much I miss her.

Offline Brian71

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Re: Recent loss and feel terrible
« Reply #13 on: September 07, 2016, 11:30:56 PM »
I was with my wife for 44 years and words cannot describe how much I miss her.

I know Alan....I know, because I feel exactly the same, as do some others here...AIS It's 5mths now for me,  but some days it doesn't seem real, and I still haven't accepted she's gone.  That I'll never hear her laughter,  feel her love and companionship ever again,  and yes even her shouting at me occasionally when I've annoyed her on the odd occasion would be heaven,  because the reality is... one's wife or husband of many years becomes your best friend, that's why we call them soulmates....they are your life....when my wife's life ended...I sort of feel mine did too. :cry:

« Last Edit: September 17, 2016, 11:23:20 PM by Brian71 »

Offline alan2273

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Re: Recent loss and feel terrible
« Reply #14 on: September 08, 2016, 08:53:33 AM »
I was always the strong one and she would not want me thinking my life had come to an end, but how long before I can pick myself up is anyones guess.