Time

[Silverbirch]

Hello Everyone,

This is an account of my own personal experience of grief.
A set of words that I could never have imagined living through.

Since Pat’s death in October of 2015 I have encountered a million irrational thoughts and emotions, unmanageable sadness, bouts of uncontrollable anger, spontaneous breakdowns, sleepless nights, abandoned appetite as well as developing an ever present feeling of loss, which is hideous and overwhelming.

Cradling Pat’s lifeless body in my arms, feeling the coldness of her skin and seeing the blueness in her lips and fingertips, watching the pain in my son’s face and hearing his screams whilst pumping his mother's chest are visions that are at the forefront of my mind and appear at their will.

This is my grief and I hate it with a passion.

I look back to October 26th 2015 starting off as a normal day, at the end of that day I was hit with complete shock and devastation that has irreparably disfigured my life and it’s feeling of purpose.

The heartbreak of sifting through Pat’s personal possessions to the pain of driving to the recycling centre day after day and throwing black plastic bag after black plastic bag filled with items that have been carefully chosen on her regular shopping trips has ripped me up inside.

The offensive sounds of laughter from her friends helping to organise her belongings were like hammer blows raining down on my skull, forcing me outside making it impossible for me to return until they had left.

The intensity and the relentless pressure of grief has wreaked havoc with my thoughts and feelings, distorting them beyond recognition.

How can everyone around me continue their daily routine? Do they not know that Pat has collapsed and died?

Why are you telling me about the loss of an elderly parent or someone you knew well and how you felt after they had died 10/15/20 years ago? I don’t want to hear it.
Why do people compare deaths? Your acceptance and unemotional story telling isn’t relevant to my Pat and my grief, can’t you see or feel my distress?
Why am I stood here crying in this shop where I bought you that lamp you loved, I don’t remember driving here. I don’t want or need anything from here.

The pain inside when you couldn’t attend her funeral? One chance to say goodbye, that is all there is.

The people we shared our time with, the places we used to visit creates an overpowering feeling of anxiety inside my gut, I have to get away.

How can you fight this stuff, how the hell can you learn to live with it?

I was close to speaking to a grief counsellor at Cruise but decided against it on the day of the appointment.
I couldn’t stand the thought of pouring my heart out to a complete stranger who hadn’t got the first clue of who Pat was. I figured they couldn’t make me stop hurting, they don’t know me, they don’t know my thoughts.

They will tell me that time will ease the pain and life will become more bearable.

Time stopped for me on October 26th 2015.

[Norma]

Welcome sending you a welcome

 

I Read your post and felt your pain, i just hope joining this support forum  can bring you some comfort xx

[Silverbirch]

Thanks Norma,

I know the post was a bit dark, but it was something I wrote a couple of weeks after Pat's death and many aspects of that post still apply.

Thank you for your welcome.

[Norma]

i loved reading it, i lost my hubby August 2014, and what you said made complete  sense, i suppose people offer '' advice''  thinking they are being helpful, and us not wanting to offend just take it in our stride, nodding and shaking our heads hoping were doing it in the right order, whilst inside our hearts are breaking, keep posting Silverbirch, we are in a safe place here, where we can pour our hearts out knowing everyonel understands. Xx

 

[Karena]

Hi silver birch I read what you wrote with tears in my eyes recognising your pain,and now six years later after losing my husband some of it still resounds.How come everyone around me has moved on long since including his children.How come they think I might want to be in a new relationship,.and new people they just assume I,m divorced so once again explanations have to be made unless they're passing strangers so it doesn't matter.How come I wear a wedding ring,how come my fb status is still married.But that intense all consuming pain is rare now and I,m learning to fill my time differently and whilst I wouldn't say my life is happy I am more content and I can appreciate happy times again.I know it feels like ages but many people here have said the second year is worse,because we are conditioned to expect it will be better.Society still adheres to a year of mourning as some sort of standard when the truth is there is no time limit to grief,But that's any grief,I lost my parents many years ago but there are still times when that grief comes back too.Also this is the second time this has happened to me and that grief also remains,but its more quiet,you take that grief into your heart but also you remember over time,the better times and the way that person made life better.and those memory's feature larger than the end of their life.

[Silverbirch]

Thanks again Norma, I think that is the key, the fact that you are sharing your experiences with people that understand and have lived through your own emotions, it means so much more and makes you feel that your words have not been "wasted".

I have got into a routine where I make sure I take time out every Sunday and write down an instance or a memory, from that, all sorts of emotions have been captured, resulting in pages of words that mean the world to me, there are even numerous poems in there which were a steep learning curve but have given me a sense of achievement and more importantly it has focused my attention into something positive for Pat.

I really hope that you too have found a way to sometimes manage your grief and your loss.

Take Care

SB

[Norma]

I also kept a diary, wrote in it everyday, Im now on my third, i dont write everyday now but dont like  empty pages so when something happens that makes me want to write i find myself filling in the empty pages, might be a silly drawing anything,  at my lowrst times it helps me to read back and see how far i have come  through this journey none of us anticipated or wanted. This Forum and the facebook page has been a big support to me, i hope it can do tbe same for you xx

 

[Silverbirch]

Hello Karena,

I cannot explain or comprehend some of the behaviour and reaction I have encountered since Pat's death. It is a phenomenon I never knew existed until my vulnerability exposed it.

It feels like you have experienced similar and I have no doubt that everyone on these boards have gone through the same thing.

As far as grief goes, for me it has been the prevalent emotion since October 26th 2015, my thoughts are constant and there has not been a day gone by where I have been able to get through it "normally".

Karena, I truly hope that you find your way to get through.

Take Care

SB.

[Silverbirch]

Perfect Norma, keep filling in the empty pages.

[Norma]

You to Silverbirch keep the Sundays alive, i have always found that to be the worst day of the week for me, apart from when im on group meets lol xx
 

[mike59]

welcome to the forum  Silverbirch, my Tears were streaming down my Face Reading that, I too lost my wife on the 28th febuary 2016 tomorrow is the first year I don't want it to come but I want it to be over with (hurry up March) Febuary was a bad month for me I lost my LIfe and Soul your words are so True I wish I was as Articulate as you.


                                                                                                                              .... Mike

[Silverbirch]

Hello Mike,

I feel for you I really do, everyone goes through their own torture in their own way, but when you break it down, it is all so similar. My emotions on the eve of the first anniversary of Pat's death were exactly the same as yours are at this moment, all I can tell you is when the actual day arrived it was no where near as bad as I thought it was going to be, the reason being is that, that particular day was no worse than the others, it just blended in with all the rest.

I know that, that might not sound comforting but my point is, it is not a day that is out of the ordinary to what you are currently experiencing.

Take care Mike.

SB

[Norma]

Sending you both Massive hugs, i dont know how but do know that we do get through this unthinkable  time of your lives, its not the life you chose, but i just know that you will get though this xx
 

[Silverbirch]

Thanks Norma.

[Karena]

Mike you don't have to be Shakespeare .you are articulate,you express yourself true to you and we understand what you are saying and that's all that matters, just be yourself luv.


Silverbirch I did find writing was a great help to me and poems I think can help clear the brainfog or mixed thoughts.I used to write them on here because by trying to make them work in some sort of order I had to bring some sort of order to my thoughts.
But I,m not someone who can express myself verbally to people well especially anything emotional so writing has always been my outlet I guess.