Dad's a problem

[rosaleigh]

I'm a twenty four year old woman and my mammy died  7 months ago after a very long and painful illness. I had been living away from home studying but had come home in the last two years of her life to care for her. I miss her so much but my dad is now a real problem. When Mammy was alive he spent numerous times visiting what he told us was his grief therapist/counsellor but I have have huge doubts abut the validity of that. The day after Mammy's funeral he removed his wedding ring and told me he was going on a date with his therapist the next night to celebrate her birthday. He told me he had known her for several  years and she had feelings for him. I know she was not a family friend or Mammy would have known her. Alarm bells rang and I began to wonder whatever woman accepts an invitation to go on a date with a client when he has just buried his wife. Didn't seem very ethical to me which is one of the reasons I now don't think she was in fact a therapist in the manner dad had led us to believe. and what therapist discloses information to a client such as her birthday and that she has feelings for him. I was shocked and appalled at my father's cold heated attitude to my mother and all she had gone through. My dad has a freehold home, beautiful and expensive cars and all the other toys a man needs such as bikes, boats etc. I think this woman may be  gold digger. * days after the date and she and my dad are off and away somewhere for the weekend. Since then the relationship has developed and she has now moved into the house with my father. he indulges her everyday with gifts, flowers, weekends away to exotic locations etc etc. None of these things my mother ever received. I have tried talking to him telling how I feel but all he says is that this is his life, he doesn't want me to interfere just as he doesn't tell me how to live my life. I am struggling to come to terms with my mother's illness and passing and an unable to accept this woman. I feel i am expected to see her a a replacement for my mother which she will never ever be. I feel my father was actually involved with this woman while my mother was dying  and I really doubt she was a therapist but he told us that so it seemed acceptable for him to be with her. All I can tink of is mammy languishing on her death bed while dad has the next one lined up. I mean who goes on a date two adys after your wife has been buried? Any ideas on how to cope with this mess would be very much appreciated.

[pennyking]

Hi Rosealeigh and welcome.  So sorry for your loss.  You must be feeling so many emotions, how awful for you to be in such turmoil.  Wish I had some words of advice.  Take care x

[Hubby]

Hi Rosaleigh. I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

I wish I could offer some advice on your father. we all grieve in our own ways and I have read of people going off the rails and going through a string of relationships following s bereavement but from what you have written it certainly sounds like your father had this set up in advance. It is certainly unethical for a counsellor to become involved with a client.

Unfortunately I don't think there is a lot you can do about it other than voice your disapproval as you already have done.

Wishing you strength   

[hare]

Hi Rosaleigh
I'm so sorry for you and send you many best wishes for what they are worth.
I see it as a positive thing that you already acknowledge that your dad has a problem. It must hurt badly to think that he has possibly set up another relationship. Whether it is right or wrong it may well be part of his coping and he may not be in control of how he is behaving. That absolutely doesn't excuse him and it is dreadful that he isn't being a father to you, especially at such a time.
Do you have any siblings, or other family members that you can chat to? Are there any family friends who also loved your mum who you can just spend time with to support each other.
If you can I highly recommend getting professional support. Even without the added stress of your dads behaviour it is such a difficult time and getting help can be really vital in terms of coping as time goes by and making sure you deal with your emotions in a healthy way. Just simple counselling can be helpful to talk it thruogh even if you cant afford a therapist. Certainly lean on the forum here and on your friends and be kind to yourself.
Well done for trying to talk to your dad. It is al you can do.
All the best to you and I hope you have find some peace - take great care, hx

[Karena]

Hi and welcome to the forum.It seems to me that whatever your dads reasons for behaving like that is something you will never know.The only time I have heard of something similar was a long time ago when a friends dad had Alzheimer's and his mum started seeing someone else.When he became too I'll to remain at home and was moved to a care home,she even moved the boyfriend in as a lodger.She visited his dad and had a double lifefor a few years before his dad died.The relationship with the boyfriend only lasted a couple of years after. My friend was angry and upset but accepted in the end that this was the status quo,even formed a light friendship with the guy.Afterwar her explanation was that she grieved for his dad long before he died but was so terrified of being alone she was looking for a replacement so that would never happen.in a way.She had become a nurse cook and cleaner but ,not a wife anymore.and here was this guy treating her as her husband used to do.Took her for meals,remembered her birthday,etc etc.
Of course you miss your mum.No one can ever replace her and it would be a foolish woman to think she could.
Its awful that you don't have your dads support but your grief is about your relationship with her not his,your good memory's of her are yours and they can't be taken away.None of us know your dad or why he behaved the way he did,but all of us know about grief. I lost both my parents a few years ago and it was losing my husband that brought me here,but I know there are others here nearer your age who have more recently lost their mums so I,m sure you will find support here to help you with that loss.