Author Topic: Wife's Father died - how to help?  (Read 2323 times)

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Offline Tarka

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Wife's Father died - how to help?
« on: March 09, 2017, 04:45:02 PM »
Hi - My wife had to go over to Spain to help her Mother at the hospital while her father was having surgery. I am at home looking after our daughter who is going to college. Today my wife called to say her father died. I am slightly autistic and do not normally feel grief (even when my mum died 2 years ago).
My wife is supporting Mum, and her brother is also in Spain to help
 
I do not know how to support my wife. I and Daughter could fly out now, or we could wait and fly out before the funeral. I think my daughter needs us to stay at home for college work. I do not know what help to offer, or what my priorities should be: stay at home for my daughters college or fly out to supporting my wife, or just fly out for the funeral and back the next day. Should I be phoning my wife every few hours?

any advise? what can I say when on the phone? when should I fly out?   

Offline Karena

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Re: Wife's Father died - how to help?
« Reply #1 on: March 09, 2017, 08:37:46 PM »
This must be a difficult dilemma,and not knowing you or her its not easy to answer.One thing that is clear from what you have written is that you are a very caring person, and I,m sure your wife knows that already.My advice would be to ring her and ask her what she would prefer over going out there.A lot of school/college work is done over the internet now,so its possible your daughter would be able to do her work remotely,so that's something you or she could ask her year tutor about,if your wife would like you to go now,perhaps if you have the answer to that in place it would also help your wife decide as she may have the same concerns.
Grief is a journey that takes time, so when she gets home don't expect her to go back to normal or that if she seems too,grief won't hit her at other times,its a roller coaster journey of emotions.So if there are specific things that you struggle with you are welcome to come back here and we will try and support you in supporting her.Or she would be welcome to join herself.

Offline Tarka

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Re: Wife's Father died - how to help?
« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2017, 09:16:18 PM »
thank you - I will try to arrange internet work for my daughter, and fly out Sunday and stay till the funeral. Still not sure how to help my wife with the Grief. - For myself, I have never felt that emotion, so I disliked when people tried to comfort me after my mums death.
My daughter had a very intense and short shouting / crying session when she found out, I had to hold her to stop her smashing things.
She has settled down now, and just wants to chill. I guess the same may happen again and again for some time.
my wife talks calmly when I am on the phone to her, but I am not sure how she is taking the loss really, untill I get out to see her.
I may need to talk "at" you further, as the week goes by. Thanks... Tarka (short for Tarquin :-) )

Offline Karena

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Re: Wife's Father died - how to help?
« Reply #3 on: March 10, 2017, 09:35:52 PM »
You're welcome to come and talk at us anytime.I agree its difficult to know over the phone how your wife is feeling.In the early days people guard themselves from their emotions and busy themselves sorting out the practicality and being " strong" for others. This displacement activity can give an outward impression of calmness.For others the reality takes some time to hit and the grieving rather than ending with the funeral as some people believe,doesn't really start until after it.

She is also probably worrying about her mum.
All you can really do is take each day as it comes,make sure she knows you are there to listen to her even though you can't share her emotions,and that you understand that this can be a long process,that people often describe as a roller coaster,with a slow clanky uphill struggle which can turn into a downhill plummet very quickly and often unexpectedly,after which the uphill fight starts again.After a time the downhills start to smooth out and become easier to manage and less frequent.Along the way they can bring feelings of guilt,anger,depression,anxiety and the pain of missing the person you love to the point of feeling that pain physically.

Offline Hubby

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Re: Wife's Father died - how to help?
« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2017, 07:49:25 PM »
Hi Starla. Sorry to hear of your families loss.

Helping someone with grief is a tough one. At times I didn't even know what I wanted people to do.

My only advice is to be a shoulder to cry on when your wife needs it.