My story-possibly doesn't make sense

[Emmaginary]

Hey
Forgive me, I'm finding this whole telling people about this a little weird.
Back in August, I lost my best friend, mentor and father figure wrapped up into one.  It wasn't sudden, although it was I think in the end.  He hadn't been well for a while, you know? But I didn't expect it... Or I did, but not really and that's the part I'm struggling with.  You know the Don McLean song 'empty chairs'?  There's a line in it '...although you said you'd go, until you did I never thought you would,' it's a lot like that.

I know it's silly, and was the wrong thing to do at the time, but I gave myself 2 weeks to grieve.  But i didn't though, I'm not one to be into all the feelings thing.  I'm not a crier, it's just not something I do.  And when he died, I had the task of breaking the news to my boss, my supervisor, my colleague, my mother and my sister.  The last three of which just started crying immediately, and I then had to comfort them...which was weird because looking back it should have been the other way around.  But then I'm not a crier, so why should it have been any different?

I know the whole 5 stages of grief thing, I think I'm jumping back between anger and saddness at the moment.  I didn't hit saddness until about 2 months ago, it's almost like my grief has poisoned me inside and I'm getting terrible acid reflux, something I didn't have until the week I now refer to 'the week I broke'-which involved a session Mindfulness that opened up some kind of gate, and now it's like I can feel EVERYTHING.  I'm not used to it, I used to be a robot, and I could turn my emotions on and off like a switch.  I know I'm afraid to feel, it's always been a problem.  I used to be super sensitive when I was little, and then about 10 years ago a switch got flipped and it was like my heart hardened.  And it makes sense I've got this reflux thing because I can feel the grief in my chest, like I'm swallowing it down, because I'm scared I'm going to drown.

Reading back not of this makes sense...is it meant to?

[Hubby]

Hi Emmaginary.

Grief doesn't make sense. If it did it would start bad and get easier. Instead we get this unpredictable, up and down, never know what's coming next, emotional mess. Like you I used to think that a fortnight was long enough. When I lost my wife I realised that wasn't even time to realise what had happened.

I don't think any of us know where grief will take us and it's certainly not something we can control or prepare for.

Take care

[Karena]

Your post makes a lot more sense than you think.When we know something is wrong and someone may die we tell ourselves they won't.Even when a fully qualified doctor says it is the case,the palliative care team call a meeting the McMillan nurse comes round we think there may be a miracle.Our minds don't want to let us believe what we know is true.I think if they didn't we would not get through the time between knowing and it happening and somehow we gather the strength to do that because of the delusion.We cannot imagine life without them and so we don't.The five stages of grief is a theory and it just helps us to recognise that some of the emotions.We read it in order then think it will happen in order one stage following on from the other in neat and tidy order.But life isn't a text book and people are not the same as each other .Something the writers do acknowledge but is not always published.The final stage acceptance is interpreted as being the time of accepting they are gone and " letting go".I don't think that it is,to me acceptance is accepting that we are grieving that we will be for some time to come and that we will carry part of that grief with us forever.Having someone who was such a large part of our lives no longer here is bound to change who we are to some degree.
If you are into theory's a more recent one and one that I found more helpful is the idea of continuing bonds.We don't have to let go.We can learn to still make them part  of our lives.The bond has changed but is not lost when we are physically parted. In our thoughts and actions we still reference them.What would they advise in a situation,how can we make them proud of us,how can we act in memory of them,their likes and dislikes.How we do this depends on some cultural differences.To Christians they might be in heaven looking down on us,to some African tribes they speak through a sangoma but ancestors are still obeyed or considered to be the most wise.To others they are re incarnated as animals literally to others spirit guides or angels,and to atheists and agnostics their wisdom is ingrained simply through our memory's of them.But whatever our beliefs we do not have to let go but learn to manage the new direction the relationship has taken.