Author Topic: Newly widowed  (Read 1968 times)

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Offline Maria66

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Newly widowed
« on: October 11, 2017, 06:41:41 AM »
Hi I am very newly widowed, i lost my soul mate on the 3rd october after 25 years together, and finding it all overwhelming as his death makes no sense.   We were talking about moving to the isle of wight, and he decided to go over there to check out the better areas for both of us, he has a son there. He thought the sea air would do us both good. I have Primary Progressive MS now for over 10 years, and he had been diagnosed a few years ago with COPD. He was 71 when he passed it would have been his birthday on the 17th.

He was only away a few days, and was really happy as he had been quite depressed lately as his illness was so restricting, and Mike my hubby loved to tinker with classic cars, motorbike and other things, and he was an avid member of a local motor club for many years and won many trophies, and felt he just couldn't do anything as his illness seemed to be taking a toll lately even though the doctors didnt seem bothered or worried and they got exasperated with him as he still smoked and blamed it all on his smoking (his COPD). So when he retired at 70 from engineering he did slowly get depressed. He was very active man, never sat still and traveled the world looking after machinery.

Anyway back to the IOW. When he came home he was full of it, really enjoyed himself, and the break did him good. (Too be honest me too as we were constantly together).

On Friday he felt a little unwell and he had a temperature so with is COPD i contacted the doctor who popped in to make sure everything was ok. He said he did have a temp, but he couldn't hear much in his lung so probably a little chest infection gave him steroids and antibiotics.   I wont bore you with all the details, but 2nd October i found him slumped in our toilet he could barely talk i thought he had a stroke. I managed to get help i phoned my neighbor who came to help me, we sorted out ambulance. Hubby was conscience but couldn't talk right like his tongue was swollen he was trying to tell me he had bad pain in his chest.

Anyway he was taken to hospital STAT.   I was contacted 2 hours later by the registrar on duty, who said it was touch and go next 24 hours as he had toxic pneumonia. 

I got to the hospital expecting the worse. He was sat up in bed in the resuscitation ward eating rich tea biscuits and drinking water. His speech was much better and i felt so relieved i cant tell you.   

He asked me to bring his mobile and other things so i had arranged for his son to do that.

We chatted for an hour and he was tired, he told me he had the best 25 years in his life with me, and loved me loads and when he got out of there, he would change and make sure he told me more often.   I felt so positive.

Anyway 2 sons saw him they were pleased he didnt seem as bad as they thought in actual fact they had moved him upto to acute ward.

My granddaughter popped in to see him at 8pm, although he was tired, he was chatting with her, yes he was breathless and still on high oxygen but she said he seemed quite buoyant and couldn't wait to get out of there. I had planned to see him early in the morning as with my MS i have to rest.

I was woken at 9pm it was my granddaughter she said the ward sister needed to talk to me, and the sister said you need to get here as soon as you can and any of the family as sadly your husband has collapsed and there is no way back he would be gone within the night. Well i thought i was dreaming at first.  I had taken all my MS meds so was groggy. Sadly i wasn't dreaming. I got my daughter who was on standby and we went straight to the hospital and i also managed to ring his sister and his sons.

The shock of seeing him like that was pretty horrific. He wasn't in, he was just struggling to breath and staring at the ceiling. I stayed with him all night and he suddenly and quietly left me and my heart was broken.  I just couldn't understand what had happened.

Its been horrific.  Then I was told by the bereavement people the next day that the coroner wanted to talk to me he rang the next day, and said they were dong an autopsy as the doctor on duty wouldn't sign his death certificate.

The autopsy finally took place yesterday and i finally thought i would get closure.

The autopsy was inconclusive. They found basal pneumonia but not enough really to be terminal, but they found fibrosis in his lungs and this is indicative of asbestosis. He did work in a factory many moons ago where they dealt with this stuff and also at other times being an engineer, so now they have taken tissue samples and are looking at an industrial injuries death.   So it could mean his smoking was never an issue with his COPD he always said he thought his illness was down to asbestos but his doctors never investigated it, also he suffered terrible pain which can be down to pleuritic pain caused by the asbestos. Again the doctor just gave him tons of codomol 500 but never actually bothered to find out why he had all this pain in his chest.

So now i have to wait another 6 to 8 weeks to find out why my lovely hubby passed away so quickly and what caused his death.

I just feel lost.   I am overwhelmed by family who seem to have taken over my life, and all i want to do is curl up and hug my memories of him to me, and sit quietly but i never get a break.   I am in such shock of his passing as it was so unexpected. The pain is unbearable and the stress has triggered off my MS so the pain of that and fatigue is just taking a toll. I dont know how i will get through until the 25th when we finally let him rest. 

I never thought i could miss him so much, even though he could be a real pain at times, with his constant hoarding of stuff, and leaving mess everywhere, i would give anything right now to see his oily finger marks on the white doors.

I just dont know what to do with myself.   

I know you all have been there the same, i know it will get better with time, but right now i cant even make sense of his death as he was so happy and for the first time in ages he was feeling really well, well enough to take on the journey.

I just need to be able to vent and cry without my family thinking i will collapse in a heap.   I just want some normalcy and to be able to talk to people who have gone through all this pain.   

I thank you for reading my book, I am sorry its so long.  xxxx Maria66

 



Offline Emz2014

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Re: Newly widowed
« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2017, 09:09:47 AM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug:   it really helps to be able to have an outlet and talk, its an understanding group here. Hope you find it helpful xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Fleur

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Re: Newly widowed
« Reply #2 on: October 11, 2017, 02:15:46 PM »
Hi Maria66.
I can really relate to the things you have written, the disbelief is agony isn't it? My husband was a messy person at times and I regret the times I grumbled about it, like you I'd give anything to have to clean up after him again.
As hard as all that is, this is the time that we need to look after ourselves and whilst well meaning family members can seem intrusive try to make the most of them being around you now as grief can be a very lonely journey.
 :hug:
This too shall pass.

Offline Karena

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Re: Newly widowed
« Reply #3 on: October 11, 2017, 02:31:46 PM »
 :hug: As Emz said there is an outlet here,which also means you never have to apologise for making a long post, i have potentially beaten war and peace word count over the time i,ve been here.

Your husband sounds very much like mine, with the mechanics and tinkering even sharing a birthday but that not the only similarity.
My husband also died of pneumonia his was triggered by a stroke, and there had also been misdiagnosis over the years but no inquest as that was discovered while he was still alive. In short his "angina" attacks turned out to be mini strokes but there had never been a brain scan. I was angry about it but also accepted that there was nothing to be done at that stage or that discovery at the time would have changed the outcome, and, at the time, in the belief that the major stroke which reveiled this, would be something he recovered from -which he did too a degree,but then had a second.This time he also got pneumonia but went from objecting to me calling an ambulance instead of just taking him home, to chatting as we waited for an xray, too him going into the xray room and being wheeled out a short time later  in a very different condition -so i do get how difficult  it is to understand how rapidly things can change.

I,m not sure what you mean by taking over your life with your familly -or how far that is literal
They are also probably struggling to deal with this shock but also really concerned about you,and so if its a case of overcrowding you in your house being jolly aand trying to "take your mind off things"  being there 24/7 it will decline, but I was wondering if there is a quieter one who you could talk too and say much as you appreciate they love you and want to care for you, you need to rest more, - but dont risk them taking it the wrong way, because the present over crowding will reduce naturally and you dont want to risk it becoming undercrowding because of an argument now  -everyone is raw just now and people do take things the wrong way at times like this.Perhaps you can take sanctuary in your room when you find it overwhelming even while they remain there.

If what you are talking about is major decisions though, about your future and theyre rushing you  -then they need to understand that this is the wrong time to make big decisions re -assure them that you will involve them and listen too their views when the time comes to make them and you appreciate their sugestions and love for you -  but you need time and space to do that.

When and if those discussions begin you need to be allowed to make your own decisions,so you need to be stronger. For now take life a day at a time and take as long as you need to regain some of that strength, just focussing on the immediate things is difficult enough in these early days. :hug: