Author Topic: This is horrendous  (Read 6809 times)

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Offline Twinkle

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #15 on: December 10, 2017, 08:47:16 PM »
Same as you,  I always did believe in an after life, and those first weeks I did feel firstly Dads presence and this time Mums,  I would look for signs convincing myself she was watching me, and have felt that slipping away, and I can't bear to think they are not aware of how much I miss them,  losing mum has totally shocked me and taken away my reason to keep going, but also like you say, we are here we have to keep going am trying to take baby steps, named a star for them tonight, and keep praying that it will get easier, but every second, even when I am doing things the loss is constantly on my mind, I feel so pathetic that others cope etc but I just have to keep going as do you  x

Offline Scared1

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #16 on: December 10, 2017, 10:38:28 PM »
Please do not feel pathetic even for one second, this thing we're going through is the hardest. I've fallen apart and i know there will be millions of other people who have too...thats so lovely you named the star tonight, lovely to be able to look up and know that's their star up there. I'm sure your mum and dad will be loving it too....yes some how,  god only knows how, but if we're on the planet we have to try to get by in some kind of way.  Thanks for messaging me,  you've helped me today xxxx

Offline Twinkle

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #17 on: December 11, 2017, 09:40:47 AM »
You helped me enormously too, I didn't feel quite so alone or weird about my thoughts x

Offline Scared1

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #18 on: December 11, 2017, 10:23:27 AM »
  :hearts: yes you and gingey messaging over the weekend was a god send ... I  may be starting a bereavement support group in the beginning of next year , hopefully that will help in the similar way as being on here ( not feeling quite so alone with what we're going through ) xxxx

Offline Gingey

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #19 on: December 11, 2017, 08:24:06 PM »
Evening
I wish I had a bereavement support group near me, west of scotland.
Hope if you go ahead it is a comfort for others in this journey we find ourselves having to face
 :hug:

Offline Scared1

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #20 on: December 11, 2017, 10:31:56 PM »
Thanks so much gingey, :hearts: I'm going to give it a go. I'm usually the last person in the world for groups but if I'm on the planet I must at least try....are there definitely none in your area , the  one in going to is  through the local hospice.  May be your Dr could recommend one , "cruse" also run group sessions xxxxx

Offline Karena

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #21 on: December 13, 2017, 12:16:21 PM »
I think everything you are all experiencing is very normal but it is really hard to see that when you are going through it and those around you who are not can't possibly understand.In the world of psychological theory and therapy there is usually a focus on "cure " You go through these stages then back to normal this is what others see,coupled with the Victorian year of mourning which suggests grief has a sell by date.There is one theory though which helped me a lot.It is the theory of continuing bonds,which says that the focus should be on how the bond between us change.It doesn't suggest you're cured or you have to cut the bond to be cured,but gives you permission to find ways to continue to hold on too someone even when they're not physically here any more.For some this might be through the teachings of a religion,or culture,Many African tribes for example revere their ancestors.When we don't have those absolute beliefs then we create them,so naming a star is one way to do this.When I lost my husband I planted native daffodils in all our favourite places,setting that goal meant I had to go out and I had to go back,which also meant slaying some of the anxiety dragons around travelling and going back too places we both loved but alone.Xmas I dropped the old traditions and started new (mainly pagan) traditions,.
I am still more anxious and socially inept six years on,but no longer have panic attacks in the local bakery,but I have learned that being probably what most people would consider over organised helps control that.Knowing how to get somewhere and having backup plans if it goes wrong,finding escape strategy's from social occasions,always sussing somewhere to get out,breathe and calm down.Also having a reason d,etre.I carry a camera everywhere so in my head I am in the city to take a series of photos of its architectural features,not billy no mates,.It means I feel less self conscious or awkward.We are all different and it takes time to develop your strategy's for yourself,but also there are dragons that don't need to be slayed too.For example eating out alone was discussed here,not something I thought I could ever do,and I never have,because I realised it wasn't even something I wanted to do.Takeaway coffees and a snack are absolutely fine,so why put myself through the stress of eating in a cafe or restaurant.
For all the theory's though and all the unrealistic  expectations of others and painted smiles we adopt, the one banal comment people make that through the worst pain we can't believe is that you will feel better over time.Yet this is true,not that you will wake up one day and suddenly feel better or that you won't sometimes take one step forward only to fall down again,We will always miss them and always feel sadness at their loss but in our own time this acute pain becomes more an ache.
If you read through the do you believe in an afterlife thread here,you will see others experiences.Sometimes I think we look too hard and in the wrong places especially in the early days and perhaps it makes it more difficult to see them.Be careful with mediums though,a spiritualist church is often a good place to find one who is genuine rather than a self published online one.

Offline Twinkle

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #22 on: December 13, 2017, 06:22:27 PM »
Thank you so much for your reply, today I got the certificate for naming the star and co ordinates of where it is, and did help a little, I am just so exhausted with trying to function I just want her back and know that won't happen, I have shelved the medium idea for now,but  there are several spiritualist churches around here which I may try in new year, am just trying to limp my way to get into 2018, whate we it takes, I will have a look at the afterlife thread.
Please don't think I have hijacked your thread scared1 x

Offline Scared1

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #23 on: December 14, 2017, 09:46:13 PM »
Oh my goodness, of course not twinkle , i would never think you'd hijacked this thread! You helped me loads by replying and i so want you and anyone going through this to get any comfort / advice/ connection they can . So pleased you got the certificate and co-ordinates through for your lovely star .... Thank you also for your reply karena, yes I'm defiantly at that stage where I'm thinking about the "after life " and probably too much. Well, definitely too much. It all blows my mind , I wish we could know what happens for definite.

Offline Karena

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #24 on: December 16, 2017, 01:53:49 PM »
 :hug: I think we are programmed in the age of science and technology to want definitive answers and yet I feel life would be much less meaningful if there were no mysterys,and more recently quantum physics has shown that some of the things we have grown up with as being indisputable fact are disputable.So I think its important not too close our minds too any possabiliys.

Offline Twinkle

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #25 on: December 16, 2017, 05:45:55 PM »
Thank you too, am scared it really is never going to get any better,  but so so grateful for this group and this last weekend and this week I don't know where to go from here everything seems so pointless...

Offline Karena

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #26 on: December 17, 2017, 12:34:01 PM »
Six months before my husband died,I had both daughters and a stepdaughter living nearby and 3  grandsons a job and a husband so lots of roles.The girls moved away and my husband had a stroke so I still had roles,carer wife employee.When he died I only had employee.I struggled to see a point too my life.My parents died years before,my job not exactly life changing,what was the point of me.Our lives are so often defined by what our role is in relation too others whether its partner/carer/parent/son or daughter and occupation.When that is taken away it is really hard to see where we fit or have a purpose.
But we also overlook the things perhaps we don't recognise.Already you are supporting each other here,so already you have proven you do have a point and a role
.If you walk down the road and smile and say hello to someone you don't know,perhaps they may think you are eccentric or perhaps you might brighten their day and change their life,maybe they were also feeling down and alone and just that simple contact helped them.You will never know. On a more microscopic level your everyday interactions can be affecting others.The first moment of joy,when I looked up felt the sun on my back and smiled was created by a robin singing so loudly and persistently that it couldn't be ignored,so maybe the robin I fed this morning will do that and bring that moment of light too someone else but survived the winter to do that because I fed it.We do all have a point and a purpose but don't always recognise it because it is often created by unconscious actions.
Creating a new conscious role is more difficult.Imagine you are sitting under a tree surrounded by paths.Each path goes in a different direction but at first you can't even see any paths so you rest under the tree.When you do see a path you might take a few steps then find its not right and return too the tree.Maybe then you take several more paths before you find one that feels right and then there are side paths so you find yourself back further along the first but passed the obstacle that set you back.So my dull job is graphic design,churning out adverts for software I have no passion for.My passion lies in permaculture and kids in developing country's.I tried volunteering at a Perm a culture project but what was needed was hard physical work which I couldn't manage.I did courses on food and water supplies in sub Saharan Africa but understanding the problems doesn't solve them and I am not Bob gedoff or Bono.Then a friend asked me to do some artwork and her husband commented I was good at my job.I hadn't really thought so but perhaps blinded by churning out the same stuff year in and out i had forgotten that i fell into the job by being good at it. Then work asked me to do a course and a suggestion from a tutor there slid everything into place.Now I support a school gardens project in Africa through doing their artwork for free. Its not something I ever saw while I was sitting under that tree but taking steps and going back then approaching from different directions sometimes purposefully other times through those accidental side tracks I did find a purpose.It takes time and some wrong steps but eventually you will find something for you,In the meantime take your time rest under the tree .When a path appears take it but don't be afraid to go back too the tree rest some more and then  try again if it is the wrong one. :hug:

Offline Twinkle

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #27 on: December 17, 2017, 06:36:37 PM »
Thank you it makes perfect sense what you are saying, I just don't feel ready to even attempt the path at the minute

Offline Gingey

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #28 on: December 17, 2017, 08:28:30 PM »
I read Karena's post and agree it sounds like a plan but I think that it takes time to get to this stage. Also time of year can weigh heavy with most people looking forward to Christmas celebrations and it is difficult to join in when we are missing our loved ones so much and remembering Christmases gone...there is always a feeling that someone is missing.
We all hopefully will one day see those paths.
 :hug:



Offline Emz2014

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #29 on: December 18, 2017, 07:10:35 AM »
There is no rushing grief. Sometimes we need to stand still a while,  it hurts so much and we never believe it could possibly change.  hold on in there, be gentle and kind to yourself and slowly over time you will see those paths emerging  xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx