Author Topic: About to be bereaved confused by my feelings  (Read 1252 times)

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Offline Beanikki

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About to be bereaved confused by my feelings
« on: July 28, 2018, 11:19:28 AM »
Hi everyone
My name is Nikki and I am soon to be bereaved and am confused with my feelings. A good childhood friend is very near passing and I keep replaying my recent visits to her in hospital over and over in my head. I’m not at her bedside now as she has become unresponsive and all her family are with her so I’m playing a waiting game to hear what’s happening.
I keep going over and over my last couple of visits in my head, things I said, things she said, I keep trying to picture her as she was on my last visit and I can’t get it right in my head so I feel guilty that I can’t picture her. Then I think why am I trying to picture her when she’s so poorly I should picture her as she was. It doesn’t stop me doing it though.
We lost touch for many years apart from occasional messaging on Facebook but every time she invited me out or around to hers I wouldn’t go because I was so ashamed of how much weight I’d put on since l had last seen her. I mean how ridiculous is that? So I feel guilty over that too.

I feel like I’m a horrible person. People are saying that it’s ok as I’ve been there when it mattered since she became very ill.

If I don’t think about it for a bit I feel guilty that I’m not thinking about it.

I feel like I’m losing my mind.


Offline Emz2014

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Re: About to be bereaved confused by my feelings
« Reply #1 on: July 28, 2018, 06:16:36 PM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug:

Bereavement is a very confusing journey.  Those feelings sound familiar - tend to feel guilty about all sorts, but you did what you could with the situation at the time. Try not to feel guilty.  Grief is a rollercoaster, be gentle with yourself   :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Beanikki

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Re: About to be bereaved confused by my feelings
« Reply #2 on: July 28, 2018, 06:37:24 PM »
Thanks for the kind reply.
I also feel like I’m not entitled to be feeling like this, I was out of her life for a long time and only reappeared in the final hour so how dare I have this level of grief compared to those who are her family and partner.
It doesn’t stop me feeling it though. It’s hit me harder than I imagined it ever would.
And why can’t I picture her in my mind how she looked in hospital? It was only 3 days ago.
I can easily picture her before all this happened.
It’s as if I enjoy punishing myself or torturing myself.

She hasn’t actually passed yet, even though it could be anytime, so how bad will I be when she actually passes away.


She has passed tonight.
« Last Edit: July 28, 2018, 11:16:08 PM by Beanikki »

Offline Emz2014

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Re: About to be bereaved confused by my feelings
« Reply #3 on: July 29, 2018, 08:35:04 AM »
You don't have to have a certain title to be entitled to grieve. She was your friend and you are grieving not only for her but for the future time with her, likely connected to your sadness of the years you missed.   You were there for her recently and that does matter

Did you have any mutual friends?  If you do,  might help to meet with them a little so you can share memories and talk (when you're ready)  12 years ago I lost a very close friend, who was like a brother to me and it was hard. We used to spend alot of time as a group of 3 with another friend. I found it helped a bit to be able to speak with my other friend and share memories. I also spent some time meeting with his mum for a while. Although our grief was different I think it helped her a little as she was able to talk about him. My friend and I still talk of him sometimes when we recall memories and my family and I still talk about occasions too. Xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx