Author Topic: Hello  (Read 22014 times)

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Offline green dragon

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Re: Hello
« Reply #45 on: April 24, 2019, 12:43:35 PM »
My dad would have probably not been so sympathetic about the situation as he like I said didn’t like the way my husband treated me.

I went to see my dad today to ask him what he thinks I should do but no reply☹️

Sarah, sorry to chime in like this, especially since I am new here.

Anyway, what I wanted to share was this thing a friend of mine told me when I was lamenting something similar (fear of no more advice). She said this: your relationship with your mother was so close, you have internalised her message, and that means you already know what she would say at any given moment. So listen to what you KNOW your father would have to say about all these difficult questions you're asking yourself.

From my part, if you'll allow me, I will just advise you not to rush into selling anything if that's not what you want. I have been going through both being advised - even urged! - to sell and not to sell, at the same time, by parties that shouldn't, frankly, have any say in what I am going to decide. So make it your decision, don't allow anyone to bully you into anything. The house obviously holds dear memories for you.

Offline Sarah83

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Re: Hello
« Reply #46 on: June 09, 2019, 07:20:05 PM »
Hello, I thought that I would just come back and say hello and tell you what I’ve been up to as you have all been so helpful.

Nothing has changed on the husband front, I am now having to apply to go through the courts as his head is completely in the sand. I only speak to him about our daughter now as I can’t cope with him emotionally anymore.

I’m an no further down the line in grieving for my lovely dad, I miss him terribly and get through the days ignoring completely that he died.
 
I have been struggling a great deal the last few years and quite a long time before my dad got sick also. The tiredness and the aches and pains have been getting worse and finally this week I have been diagnosed with ME. I am 36 and feel like I’m 80 years old. The stress of my dad and dysfunctional relationship with my husband has caused me to completely fold. I am a bit scared but at least I know what I’m dealing with now. Leaving my husband should hopefully lessen the stress when we eventually sort things out, if he ever wants to grow up. As for my dad, I just can’t go there right now, I don’t have the energy. I need to get better, I have a 3 year old and my mum with MS to look after. What will happen to them if I end up not being able to get up in the morning. 

I feel a tremendous about of pressure to be well but I’m so so tired all the time. The more I kick myself the worse i feel. I’m desperately trying to hide if from people, especially my mum as she needs me but it’s getting hard. I find myself getting snappy and it’s not me. I just hope that all the things they said they can help with like counselling and anti depressants once I get my hospital appointment will start to lift me up again. I hate anti depressants and have tried them 4 times over the years but never got on with them. Perhaps now with the ME diagnosis they will give me more suitable ones.

Anyway, sorry I feel like I’ve just have one big Moan!

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Hello
« Reply #47 on: June 09, 2019, 08:53:05 PM »
Your mind and body are calling out for gentle self care, being harder on yourself is just going to be like kicking yourself whilst you're down on the floor  :hearts:  you're dealing with alot, whenever you can be kind to yourself. Think of self care - it will all help towards your healing, do your best to eat as well as you can - think veg and fruit, fuel your body as best as you can during this stress.  On days it feels too hard, add a shop bought smoothie or something easy like that

See if there is any very gentle movements you can try - look into tai chi perhaps if you feel at all able. When you can, stop and rest - do something nice for yourself, paint your nails, soak in the bath, watch a film, read a book, make a den with your daughter and rest in it together - anything you can think of to give your mind a rest from the current worries just for a bit  All those little acts add up. If it helps write down all those little achievements of self care - acknowledge your progress (on a really hard day, just getting dressed or having a shower can be a big positive step) 

You can do this, break it all down into little steps.  :hearts: Just like a tall staircase you only go up it by taking one step at a time.   Some days it will feel overwhelming and those days be gentle with yourself.  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Sarah83

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Re: Hello
« Reply #48 on: June 09, 2019, 09:26:09 PM »
When I rest, watch a film is when I feel my most anxious. My heart starts to beat and I get these strange feeling come over me. I feel like I need to breath more but I can’t catch my breath, it’s a horrible feeling.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Hello
« Reply #49 on: June 09, 2019, 10:55:02 PM »
Have you tried anything like adult colouring in? That often helps to focus the mind when you start to concentrate on it so it can ease anxiety feelings. I find that helps me - as you concentrate on the details it helps xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Sarah83

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Re: Hello
« Reply #50 on: June 10, 2019, 07:54:02 AM »
I actually bought one the other day,  my little girl cried because I said it was just mummies book!

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello
« Reply #51 on: June 10, 2019, 09:46:04 AM »
Hi Sarah i think part of feeling more anxious when you are resting is in part due to that feeling that you should be doing something, dashing around after a 3 year old and looking after your mum and all the worry of your ex,s behaviour and your dad,s loss  keeps you in a state of alert so that when you do sit down you are still in that state and it increases because of the feeling that you shouldnt be sitting there, you should be doing something -also if your mum has MS i can see why your ME wuld cause even more anxiety whilst you were waiting for diagnosis so hope fully that will dissipate a little, now that as you say you have a diagnosis -  i agree with Emz mindfulness might help.If the colouring book doesnt help - and it didnt for me, because i still felt like i was not doing something "productive" i solved it by learning to crochet instead - so there is a "useful" end product but when i am doing it my mind is focussed on it.
Also my daughter got me a recipe book called the cake the buddah ate, it was written by chefs at a retreat but is more than just recipes - it sugests  mindfulness practice while doing something as basic as peeling spuds, and odly that worked - not just scraping them as soon as possible but slowing down and focussing on it.I have now got to a stage where i can do things that dont have to be useful - and started drawing occasionally.Maybe that something you could share with your daughter - get the paints out make a mess it doesnt matter what it ends up looking like, might actually be fun to put both on the fridge and get people to guess which is which. (if your drawing level is like mine anyway)

Finally its going to rain for the next few days, grab your wellies and your daughter and go puddle paddling - you wont have the excuse of a 3 year old forever,the day will come when she rolls her eyes and walk off when you do it, so make the most of it - Give yourself permission to have some fun. :hug:

Offline Sarah83

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Re: Hello
« Reply #52 on: June 10, 2019, 08:31:23 PM »
Daughter is with daddy for a couple of days so just catching up on a few things for when I see a lawyer on Thursday. I have to utilise the days when I don’t feel like a zombie! I feel a little bit of relief that there is actually something medically wrong with me so I can stop beating myself up thinking that I am lazy. I have to try and get through this for my little girl and mum as they need me. I just don’t feel like anyone has got my back anymore😕 My brother has his family and has not stepped up at all since dad died, my mum is very upset. He lives 2hrs away and always uses that as an excuse to not come down and help. He doesn’t realise all the stress I have to deal with. It’s not just helping with all the things that come with a house it’s that if my mum wants to clear out dads clothes she gets me to help. I’m not ready for all of this but there is nobody else to help her. He is lucky, goes on holiday all the time, enjoying his life and has forgotten us here. All I tell myself is that at least I’m doing my best and that if my dad is watching he would hopefully be proud of me!

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello
« Reply #53 on: June 11, 2019, 10:10:14 AM »
 :hug: :hug: :hug: I am 100 % certain your dad would be proud of you, and that in some way he is giving you strength to cope with everything that is being thrown at you, but also even when you have time to get on with things that need doing, try to build some time in for yourself.He might have said sit down and have a cup of tea for ten minutes, or get yourself to bed early - only you know what he would have said, but listen too that message, because only by taking care of yourself can you take care of others.At a practical level if your mum has decided she wants to sort his clothes and you are not ready to part with all of them, then ask her if you can take some special ones - maybe a favourite sweater or shirt.
You can also get them made into a memory quilt or a memory bear, which is something people do, there are specialist makers of them, or with a quilt something you could do or a freind who is into sewing could, it is maybe something for your daughter too, so thats another option you and your mum might like to consider in the future, so keeping some back, even if you stash them out of sight for now,might be a good idea. :hug:

Offline Sarah83

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Re: Hello
« Reply #54 on: October 08, 2019, 09:48:15 PM »
It’s been a while since I posted. To be honest I’m not doing very well at all. It’s been 18 months now since I lost my dad and I miss his just as much as ever. I feel like a can’t move on. I’ve been told I have M.E, I don’t dispute this but I feel like something else is also going on. I feel very effected by the memory of watching my dad die. Any small amount of stress or emotion that I have makes me physically ill. I feel like I have post traumatic stress, I can’t take anything at all. The divorce is still with the lawyers as my husband is just being awkward, I wish I could just walk away from it all but I need the house for me and my daughter. When I think about this I get physically and emotionally sick. I feel like life is pretty meaningless without my dad. I don’t know if this is all tied up with the stress of the divorce. I’m really struggling with my mental and physical health, I’m worried I’m going to break. Waves of electricity go through me when a slightly stressful thought passes into my mind, it’s really horrible. Is any of this normal?

Offline Buttercup

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Re: Hello
« Reply #55 on: October 08, 2019, 10:59:16 PM »
Hi Sarah,
I am new here myself, I'm sure someone else, more helpful will be along soon with far better help and support, but I saw your new update and wanted to reach out so you knew you weren't alone.
I am certain watching our parents suffer at the end is such an awful experience and it is sure to cause trauma and stress.
You have been incredibly brave so far, bringing up your daughter alone, whilst also caring for your poorly mum and your own health. Along with the stress of your pending divorce (which in itself is huge)
I wonder is your waves of electricity could be anxiety? I know my decision making skills or any last minute change of plans turns me into a useless wreck... Which is so not me at all... One thing I have found helps settle me and kind of grounds me is a mediation app I found online. I know it might sound weird... And each to their own... But once the kids are in bed I would spend 20mins or so with my phone and earphones and listen to this calming voice giving me positive affirmations about my day or my feelings.... I don't mean to waffle on! It worked for me so just wanted to share.
Sending you strength and hope 🤗 ♥
Trying to get thru, one day at a time 💔

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello
« Reply #56 on: October 09, 2019, 10:33:45 AM »
If you think about it the top three most stressful things listed are bereavement divorce and house moving - so it isnt at all suprising you are totally stressed out. I know with me i used to be bored with routine and welcome change -whereas after he died i longed for routine and now i l get bored with routine but at the same time terrified of doing anything that takes me out of that routine  and whereas i used to love spur of the moment things i have to have notice now.

One of the ways i deal with that is to be really well organised before the event if its travelling that doesnt stop me packing and unpacking or panicking several times over that i have forgotten my passport and tickets or that there is something in my hand luggage that should be in the plastic bag - but what it does do is it means when those moments of panic arrive i know which pocket my passport is in so a quick look means that moment of panic passes more quickly and doesnt esculate into something more traumatic.IF there is any plus side too that i am so stressed at the airport i no longer fear flying.

Its not just travel but other things that make this preparation helpful in reducing stress, i was always some-one who was colliding with a deadline and pushing it constantly - now i am prepared well ahead of it. In my job creating adverts - where i used to be more spontaneous and therefore more more creative i now have graphics in reserve ready to add text too - just in case - but just in case what - actually i have no idea what - and i dont like that it has changed me in that fundamental way but it is what i do to cope, if i need to fall back on them theyre there so i dont panic.

It can apply to the little things not just major ones - so something as simple as getting your daughter to nursery or play  - is her coat/shoes/packed lunch box all that stuff ready the night before no matter how tired you feel because if its ready to go then the next morning you wont be running around in a panic because the clock is ticking and those physical reactions wont be triggered so that day will be better. Maybe you do that already i am just using it as an example -so apply it to anything where your stress levels go up - you cant do anything about the big things that are going on but you can  the little ones and reducing them might help over-all. Think of it as a pile of stones you can actually physically do this with pebbles -  there are all sizes of stone - the big ones are the ones you cant change that you have no control over at the moment - so take them off the pile - the medium ones now look bigger but there are a lot of tiny ones too -take those away by developing coping stategys for those little things and you dont have a big pile of stones at all you have a handful of stones the medium ones which, because the little ones have all gone you can tackle one at a time when you feel strong enough.
   
Certainly physical fatigue goes with bereavement and stress - we are programmed to react to stress physically in a prehistoic way - to run or fight when a sabre toothed tiger comes into the cave -when we have got away from that danger those physical messages stop and our body returns to normal but it isnt as simple as that now, because now we have other stress factors which trigger those same physical reactions so they dont stop we keep on reacting even when there isnt that danger and of course that then has a physical effect as well,extreme fatigue being one of them.
You could go back too your gp and mention the ptsd - it doesnt just apply to soldiers or abusive childhoods but to any trauma we experience in life so maybe they can put you forward for counselling.   

Offline Sarah83

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Re: Hello
« Reply #57 on: October 09, 2019, 11:53:28 AM »
Thanks for your reply. I really think I need to go back to the go. All they wanted to do in the past is put me on anti depressants. I don’t want them, I’ve had bad experiences on these. I just think I need to talk to somebody. I have nobody to talk to about what’s happening to me. I can’t speak to my mum, she has her own issues. I’ve no husband/partner . I’ve lost most of my close school friends during my relationship with my husband. My friend at work are nice but they don’t want to continue listening to me. I got called into the office last week and “kindly” asked to stop bringing my problems into work. I really don’t, but my manager is like a stone. I don’t know where to turn to and I’m loosing the battle I think. I can only deal with so much myself.

Offline Buttercup

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Re: Hello
« Reply #58 on: October 09, 2019, 01:21:03 PM »
Please keep talking on here. You are not alone. I don't have any fancy words or answers but I am here and I will listen. You don't need to carry all of this on your own, off load your worries and feelings here and you will feel better for getting it out your system. Sending hugs ♥
Trying to get thru, one day at a time 💔

Offline Sarah83

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Re: Hello
« Reply #59 on: October 09, 2019, 06:57:07 PM »
Thanks. I need the one thing I can’t have, I need my dad. I want my daughter to have a positive male role model, my dad would have been perfect. Unfortunately she has has an angry little man for a father. She has started to act out, she gets very angry and hits out at me. I know she is finding everything really hard and I’m trying to be a strong mother and and father figure to her. I’m failing at both those roles. I keep telling myself that my dads memory deserves better than what I’m giving it now. I feel like a failure to him. I’m ill, I’m tired all the time. I don’t sleep. I share a bed with my little girl, I do love it but she wriggles and jiggles all night and keeps me up. I just want to go home so she can have her own bed again. She needs to go home. I’m building up great resentment for my husband that he just won’t move out for the time being. I’ve a lot of hate and anger and grief and all sorts. I trying to keep everything pushed down and one day I feel it’s all going to come out.