Author Topic: today  (Read 1593 times)

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Offline zenvadis

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today
« on: March 18, 2019, 07:48:23 PM »
feel like hell today i went back work this morning to sorry about you wife. all i wanted was to be left alone. I knew they meant well,but having told her story over and over again it hit home, good job i have a place i can hide there. I felt like the ground was swallowing me, and in the quiet moments of which there are many I hurt like hell. my wife of forty years  has gone at 61 years old,and I am all alone,and in a state of complete dis-belief, and breaking my heart all the time,especially at night when I cannot stand the pain. The only company I have is our cat (cairo) who puts his head on my hand when hes not wanting to play. I have two older sons, ! is supportive but lives in
Manchester,the other lives with me and is an alcoholic who only talks about his self when hes not keeping me awake or calling me names, that i cannot deal with any more. So please talk to me even idle chit chat, would help.
sorry for my out-pourings I am in a mess tonight.
 
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Offline Sandra61

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Re: today
« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2019, 11:54:44 AM »
Hello,

So sorry to hear about your wife and your situation, Zenvadis. It must be a horrible time for you and having your son behave as he does must be making things a lot worse for you.

It is always hard to lose someone, especially your lovely wife who has been with you for so many years.

It sounds to me like you would benefit from getting out of the house more. Are there any classes held not too far away that you could join. I have a friend who joined a cookery class to help him get out and amongst other people. I also found this helped. It gets you out of the house for a few hours a week and gives you something to look forward to and to take your mind off your troubles. Would that be worth a try?

WOuld your son perhaps be persuaded to give Alcoholica Anonymous a try? If not, can you perhaps see the CItizens Advice Bureau or your GP to get advice on helping him or finding him alternative accommodation  or something. You really don't need the added stress of dealing with that on top of your own grief.

Do you have a close friend who might be willing to spend some time with you?

I am glad you at least have your cat. Pets can be such a great comfort. I love cats too. I don't have one of my own at present, but I do have one that visits and I always enjoy seeing him. He always likes to walk in like he owns the place and inspect every corner and have me make a fuss of him before he decides to leave again!

We are here with understanding and are always up for a chat! You might like to try our live chat room in the evenings on this site. It might help you to get some company that way. I hope you give it a try.

Sending you a big hug and strength ..xx  :hug: :hug:

Offline Karena

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Re: today
« Reply #2 on: March 19, 2019, 12:45:37 PM »
 :hug: Dont be sorry at all one of the beautys of this forum is that it is somewhere we can write down our feelings, and i , find it much easier to write them than to speak them.
Sadly alcaholism and addiction is an illness which does tend to make some people too self absorbed to consider others.I hope that things will improve for your son and he will be able to seekf what help is available.
 
One of the first things i did on going back to work was find some-where i could escape too when things got overwhelming and so that is a good move on your part.
 
People really dont know what to say and thats not suprising, who does, and what words are there - and yet at the other extreme people will duck into a shop rather than say anything at all which is worse i think.
.And while you dont want to talk about it over and over again - by the same token when they drop it and try to get back to " normal" conversation you feel just as bad - i remeber almost screaming at my MD when he was decribing how he and his wife had fallen out because they wanted different colour kitchen units - all i could think to say was, just go home tell her you love her and let her have whatever colour she wants because you wont care about any of that if, heaven forbid, she has an accident and she is gone tomorow.I said it quietly and calmly but i dont know how because i was shaking inside.

I think its called a dichotomy when you think you want something then find you want the other then dont know which is worse  - to be alone,but then not to be.
I would long for the working day to end then linger and take the long way home because i dreaded the silence of opening the door - i did have a dog then and he really helped - i had to go home to look after him and because he was there, it wasnt quite being alone.
After the dog died as well a few years later i went back too those days of despair  there seemed to be little point in going home at all and therefore  little point in going to work to keep the home i didnt want to be in.

Friday nights were worst knowing i might not speak to anyone until Monday.- No dog no excuse to go out for a walk - no-one to bother cooking for - i was a mess to be honest, and even now, 8 years on i find friday nights at that point when everyone is chomping at the bit and having that what are you doing at the weekend conversation i am the silent one more often than not - but i am also far from the mess i was back then.

I started off counter balancing the friday nights with a treat --bath chocolate candles music ( obviousely i appreciate thats probably more a girl thing) - but the principle is the same, it doesnt have to be massive or expensive, could be a take-away and a dvd - whatever you find that means something to you. - but by treating yourself you then start to have some self worth - and recognise - i do deserve this.
I built up from that  and please bear in mind it has taken 8 years to get to where i am now, -  this isnt easy and its a slow process and a massive roller coaster journey..

 One of the main things that moved me forward, and one that still applys now - was a decision that if i couldnt  work out how to live life for myself, i would live it for him - do the things we loved doing, the things we didnt get round too and the things he would have liked to do had he had the chance.Some were obvious others took some working on but at least just in planning what to do  i was stepping out of my isolationist pain filled bubble and overcoming or finding ways to go round obstacles.

When I did some online (free) courses and discovered rather than just fill the time with something random i picked, i was developing a passion for something and it wasnt as random as i had suposed and more importantly i found a way  i could voluntarilly contribute using existing skills sitting at my desk - My side of it is just doing the graphics and writing for their awareness and fundraising campaigns - its minor but it diverts that money into the project itself.
But i have travelled as well i still have a camper van and that was something we loved doing so i have carried on - yes its painful going back on my own but when you have lost so much why throw away more by not doing those things any more. In reality with one place in particular i feel closer too him there, than anywhere else.

And I  go to  Africa  My eldest daughter lives out there which makes it easier and of course that is my prime motivation, but i have been to see the projects, been on safari, camped in the wilderness, walked up a mountain, zip wired a canyon,   counted turtles for conservation, swum in the sea next to penguins, snorkelled,done beach cleans and  had a go at surfing - things that really interest me
( Not the zip  -wiring that was his thing he would have loved it, i was terrified but done for him  and my reward the rainbow in the waterfall half way across the final stage) 
All stuff i would never have dreamed i could do, and it does still feel like it is him driving me on to do it.  - but just getting to the airport and travelling that far on my own was a massive challenge for me and still creates a load of stress - but the end goal is worth it and thats what i have to focus on.

So even though the friday night feeling hasnt ever completely  left me - and i still might not speak directly to some-one until monday, wont be meeting them down the pub  or doing any of the things they are,  i have learned how to be on my own - and  i will be doing something.
None of that exempts me from missing him, from feeling lonely sometimes,or from the depression i have in winter,or the anxiety that sometimes overwhelms me.
And i can only stress over again that it has taken a long time to get this far - i,m only telling you now because i want to let you know that it is possible to live again but i would not have thought it when i was at the stage you are now.

For now, for you -one day at a time, one step at a time and learning just to pick yourself up when you fall over is as much as you can expect from yourself and a really big achievement by itself.

We do idle chit chat here too by the way  - the thread "eveyday chat"  is designed for it - because as well as expressions of grief, we do need to have somewhere for those every day conversations and they are often actually a big part of missing our loved ones often a much bigger part than we could have imagined before.I never though i would use that laughing emoji but i do - becaus we need to laugh as well even if its just for the briefest moments some people here we may meet in the real world, others will never meet in the real world  but in either case it is a place where the starting point is grief,  but we also find other things in common and develop friendships from those too.