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General Discussion / Re: Lasted 12 months
« Last post by Karena on February 15, 2019, 10:33:28 AM »
 :hug:Brian they cant see what you write here and they dont know you,re here so this is a safe place on the internet for you to come back too. :hug:
Those things you planned to do - i know it wont be the same of course it wont but i looked at it not as something which i now had to do alone so wouldnt want to do so much as something i would do for Keith - if we ever do meet again i would like to be able to tell him about it - but also i have felt closer too him while doing them so actually maybe he,s just doing it anyway from whatever dimension he is in - or maybe its just psychological and that doesnt exist, i dont know none of us do but i am not taking a chance and ignoring it. Its just a case of overcoming the things that get in the way of actually doing it - easier siad than done i know but still do-able.

It is strange i never here his voice, but sometimes i hear my mums - its just my name but shouted in the way she would when she was calling me in from the garden as a child -and from experience when it happens i think she is trying to draw my attention to something  its not like a warning of impending doom or that dramatic, but maybe something smaller i should be paying attention too and am avoiding. As a child in the garden i would sometimes hide or pretend i hadnt heard her to avoid coming in for bed time or whatever less attractive activity she had in mind so there is a definite slightly sharp tone to the way she calls me.  :rofl:
General Discussion / Re: Lasted 12 months
« Last post by Emz2014 on February 15, 2019, 08:14:38 AM »
 :hearts: xx
General Discussion / Re: Lasted 12 months
« Last post by longedge on February 14, 2019, 11:58:08 PM »
 :angry: You never know what's going to 'bite' you next do you Brian. I'm not a religious person but a quote from the bible does come to mind here, "Forgive them for they know not what they do." Having said that, on the odd occasion that I've had similar things happen to me, I've made a point of complaining and if nothing else, venting my anger has helped a little bit.
General Discussion / Re: Lasted 12 months
« Last post by The Laird Of Glencairn, Scotland on February 14, 2019, 11:28:29 PM »
Got a surprise Valentine card from Ruth today online .....this time it wasn't a video message from her, there seems to be nothing they won't do to try and upset me and ok I am a big bloke but it does get to ya in the end so I am having a complete break from internet and see if they get bored and stop their constant digs at me. I have loads of stuff to do in my workshop and home so will keep me busy for a while.
Bye for now and don't get upto any trouble while i am away. xx
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Newly Bereaved and Struggling
« Last post by Karena on February 12, 2019, 10:47:21 AM »
people cant understand unless they have been through grief themselves and often dont know what to say so end up saying something upsetting or cliched - plus perhaps we are over sensative sometimes - i once fled a shop after losing my husband after hearing two women saying how they had escaped theirs to go shopping as they just get in the way - i was so angry and just wanted to shout at them - but they didnt realise what they were saying and when i look back i realised it wasnt something i might not have said to a female friend my self while out shopping and without considering how that might affect a third person over hearing.

Try not to worry too much about the inquest - it will be upsetting but no more upsetting than what you are having to deal with in losing your sibling -but you are not on trial and the officials do understand how emotional loved ones will be feeling so if you do break down no-one will judge. :hug:

As Emz says it is a roller coaster journey and some days will be worse than others especially in the earlier days of grief and all the feelings you describe are common in grief - are you Normal ? there is no normal, people grief differently from each other, even for the same person in the same relationship too them - so your other siblings for example may experience things differently to you, but it is normal to experience such a sway of emotions and the point really is not whether you are normal but whether what is happening is wrong - and it isnt - there is no wrong or right way to grieve. That doesnt mean i havent questioned my own sanity especially in the first couple of years, on one of the feeling detached days i felt so weird i was wondering whether it was me that had died and was watching people go about their normal day through some kind of veil.
I have SAD anyway but losing my husband made that very much worse and longer lasting than before and i also had panic attacks and although they seem to have passed now i am generally much more anxious then i was - but it is a case really of coming to accept that i have changed as a result, and accepting those changes in myself and it all takes time. :hug:
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: (No subject)
« Last post by Karena on February 12, 2019, 10:23:59 AM »
Hi - i lost my husband almost 8 years ago - i agree the loneliness is awful and for me the second year was particularly awful because for some reason its when people expect us to just pick up the pieces andyou find you have less support from others around you -( the victorian idea of a year of mourning has a lot to answer for)  perhaps sometimes we even question our own sanity when we cant match those expectations.
I have had much longer to adjust and i still miss my husband daily his physical presence anyway but in my mind and heart he is still with me and i still think of him as being nearby just in a different way -  over time i have managed to fill some of the lonely hours with online courses gardening etc and have learned that surounding yourself by people or joining things that are not really my kind of thing doesnt help - so for me its been more about adjusting to being alone without having to be lonely if that makes any sense. One of the things i did do was to look at those things he would have done if he had the chance - along with things we used to enjoy together - different places we loved and do it for him - be his eyes on the world.
 My childen dont live nearby and are adults with children of their own - are yours still at home ?
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Hello
« Last post by Karena on February 12, 2019, 10:12:21 AM »
Hi Dove.
I came here after losing my husband but also lost my parents  too cancer previousely.I hope you manage to find some clarity with the care aspect of your dad losing some-one is bad enough without having to persue issues like that. :hug: I,m sure your mum appreciates your support being left alone after losing your partner is a terrible thing and you are right it does bring into sharp focus whats important in life - take some time for your own grief too, as it is important to not try and put it aside in order to be "strong" for others.
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Newly Bereaved and Struggling
« Last post by Dove on February 12, 2019, 05:10:40 AM »
Hello pink Roses sorry for your loss. Its awful that people are so numb to empathy and like you say they haven't suffered this situation. I've been angry but I try and use it to drive me for my dads loss and lack of care from medical so called professionals. Don't give up please. You'll have good days and awful days it's a life changer. Do All you can for answers in your loss and ignore the negative ones. Karma will get them. Be strong and may you find the strength speaking about things. Like any situation you will k know who your friends are there for YOU.
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Hello
« Last post by Dove on February 12, 2019, 05:00:47 AM »
Good morning Emz, Sandra yes your both right and thanks for the messages. I think once you have suffered a loss can you really understand what little support is out there. My dad suffered with lack of care and we are getting solicitor to have a look at the issues we raised against the gp, hospital and District nurses. If you find strength to complain please do it I got put on to a NHS Advocate who's like a breath of fresh air and also a charity called AVMA. I'm sorry to hear of you loss both. I would not want anyone to suffer this way that is what drives me. I thought I'd give the room a shot and nice to meet people who are in the same place if that makes sense.
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: Anger and control
« Last post by Sandra61 on February 12, 2019, 12:45:36 AM »

So sorry to hear about your mum. It must be very confusing for you to be experiencing such vastly contrasting experiences at the same time. Both loss and new motherhood are massive life-changing events, especially when it's your mum you lose. I don't think any other loss is quite the same, especially at a time like that, when you expect to feel happy and to be sharing your new situation with your mum. It must also have been very painful to watch your mum slowly deteriorating over time and must still be hurting you very much. As you say, sleeplessness just makes everything harder to cope with and this is a very common problem for anyone who has suffered a loss, so may be partly due to that, rather than just due to your baby needing you.

I found it helped to write down what I was feeling every day after I lost my mum. Somehow it helps you work out your thoughts and feelings and makes you feel a little better, plus, at a later date, you can go back and read over them and see how much progress you have made since, in coming to terms with all that has happened to you. Feeling short tempered is probably also due to your general fatigue and upset. Have you considered going to the doctor to see if they can help, not necessarily with medicine, but with organising counselling for you? It can help to talk it all out with someone not connected to the family or to your group of friends. You can tell a professional all the things you say you are not saying to your new mum friends or your husband or family. It might be worth considering.

It might be good to put together a memory box or a photo album too, so that when your baby is older, you can share your memories of your mum with your child. Just creating that will help bring back some of the good memories you have of her too, so that you focus less on the bad ones of when she was so ill.

Also, you can always talk to all of us here on the forum or on the Facebook Group. There's usually someone around whatever the hour and we all understand what you are going through and might be able to suggest other strategies that might help you.

I hope you find some help here. I know I have.

Sending hugs and lots of sympathy...
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