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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Sudden Death
« Last post by Karena on Today at 10:15:38 AM »
It takes time Ramesh and i know thats a cliche, but thats my experience -i also had the same thoughts as you about being with him but i knew how he would feel about me hurting others. especially his already devastated grandkids. In the early days just getting from hour to hour, then day to day any way you can is the only choice. :hug:
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Sudden Death
« Last post by Ramesh on February 20, 2018, 11:50:28 PM »
Karena

Thanks for your thoughts - from a perspective on the journey that is so far ahead.  I cannot imagine 7 years hence and OK to focus on right now.
Like the idea about numbness - makes sense.  I do feel a little odd though as I have tears welling up behind my eyes but they don't come out past this background of nothingness.
Hurts to even think about laughing or enjoying something less her.  Liek the idea of building on the love and using that as a guide to life.  Feels too raw to get into that frame of mind.

My immediate decisions around how I might honour her memory have been more about wanting to join her than any consideration for a distant future.
This experience, has however, shocked me into a stop and hope that it will prompt me to see differently.

Empty bed - I'm sleeping on her side of the bed.  Still hurts when I stretch out to not find her there - miss her presence.  Guess I have some way to go before I can sense her filling the space.
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I survived the majority of my grief wearing a very efficient mask - most people didnt see the me who was struggling.  Only one friend was always able to see behind the mask. This forum helped so much

Maybe you could consider some short periods of volunteering? A way to start building confidence?  :hearts: xx
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Hello again - 6 months on
« Last post by EmmaInRome on February 20, 2018, 04:47:10 PM »
Thanks again Emz & Karena
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General Discussion / Re: Green Fingers
« Last post by Brian Of Galloway Scotland on February 20, 2018, 04:22:46 PM »
Aye we were pretty organised and bought extra freezers especially the Broad Beans and French Beans...we did it for quite a few years until one year everything failed due to weather probs and we decided that it was costing much more than you could buy them in the supermarkets so didn't bother again which was a shame as it great being able to use our own veg.I grew 20 hanging strawberry plant and had them all down the walls of my workshop, I place one above the others then when you water the top one you also do the bottom one so saves water. Once I have got everything sorted here and i can get some work done I will grow some more Veg/Fruit and would love a heavy duty greenhouse on day.
I love Rhubarb Crumble!  we grew some and it tasted metallic horrible for some reason, down our farm track there is around 1/4 mile of Blackberries every year and they are all mine!  made myself sick one year with a recipe that didn't work out  as it should  :smiley:.
Oh well all this talk of food has made me hungry so off for a cuppa
Bye
Brian
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General Discussion / Re: Green Fingers
« Last post by Karena on February 20, 2018, 12:24:07 PM »
Sounds like you and Ruth had the same system as me and Keith, i grew he cooked.
In some ways it is a good thing that this garden isnt as big or as good for growing as the old one was, or i would have freezers full of uncooked food -as it is i have an awful lot of rhubarb that needs using up before this years harvest -and thats despite giving most of it away last year.There is only so much rhubarb crumble a girl can eat. :rofl:
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Hi Doug
so sorry for your loss -i lost my soulmate too when i lost my husband - I know that having grandchildren cant make up for that nothing can but the one thing i did take from having grandchildren was a determination that they would know him -even though three were not even born then, they know him, through me and through what the older ones pass on.They know what was funny,loving,irritatating,what he stood for, what he believed.
So even though they cant replace him -no -one can do that,keeping his memory alive and building on that by living my life for him has been a lifeline - a reason to keep fighting
This place has been another lifeline and i hope that i can be for you too.
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Mum
« Last post by Karena on February 20, 2018, 11:56:55 AM »
 :hug: It is hard to cope when you become an orphan no matter what age you are -i remember sorrow but also a feeling of fear when my mum died -she was suposed to get old and i was suposed to look after her in her old age thats how it is suposed to work - but she never got old, and now suddenly i was the matriarch -the one who had to take up her role and i wasnt up too it i could never be just like her.
Our parents are our foundations the building blocks of our lives,  we move away have careers famillys homes of our own and take responsability for our own lives, but those foundations stay strong. When the first one dies we are there for the other one, half the foundations have slid away but the rest remains, but then the second one goes and suddenly all those building blocks have gone too -but they are not really gone, we cant see them for a while  -but one day when you are searching for an answer you find one of those blocks, because all that they gave us,and all they taught us is never really gone but remains as do they, in our hearts and minds.   
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Sudden Death
« Last post by Karena on February 20, 2018, 11:44:02 AM »
Hi Ramesh

You are at the start of a long difficult journey and it is very early days. It is almost 7 years now since my husband died  so i am a lot further along it than you.

You are right people that are left in your life do change, some will fade away others step up and remain by your side.
I think the periods of numbness are your brains way of giving you a period of  rest while it can process what has happend.I distinctly remeber one morning as i set off for work seeing buildings and cars and people moving through their lives as though i was looking from a great distance and actually wondering if it was me who had died.

I know what you are saying about not wanting to let go of your pain - and that instinct to hide away and wrap yourself in it is also a perfectly natural response us humans with our busy lives and timed slots deny our instincts -often they conflict with societys expectations - but the need to withdraw too the lair like that is a natural instinct  - You might also feel that it would be a betrayal  to come back out. The first time you laugh that guilt hits,then the first day you enjoy doing something, or the first time you go on holiday - but in time you will come to see that allowing yourself some happiness isnt letting her go, because just as in life both pain and joy are shared and joy doesnt have to end, but is shared in a different way.She will still guide your life even though she is no longer physically present in it.
We never stop loving some-one when they die, and we can build on that love and use it to find a way to move forward in our own lives by calling on that love.

I decided i would live my life for us both and overcoming some of the hurdles too get that without falling into the endless pit of despair that his physical presence left behind isnt easy. Even now i can get very close too the edge at times,and find i am suprised to be back there -this up coming anniversary is one of them -why is this any worse then the last few i dont know - but then i imagine him watching,and holding out a hand to steady me and move away from the edge again.
If there is anything good that could possibly have come from all this, it is that by trying to look at the world through two pairs of eyes i see its beauty much more clearly than i ever did before -and yes i used to put a pillow in the bed too  - but i find i dont need to fill that space now as in an intangible way he still fills it.
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Hello again - 6 months on
« Last post by Karena on February 20, 2018, 10:27:36 AM »
Hi again.
If you find writing helps then you could start your own diary thread -i used to write one in letter form on the old forum board -i found the act of writing helped -reading back when i felt i had taken 1 step forward and 2 back just so i could see that it wasnt really the case -but also because i was writing letters it also helped me focus on the here and now because it wasnt all about how much i missed him but also what i was doing what familly was doing -where i had been,the stse of the garden -just everyday stuff that i supose you would write in an old fashioned letter if some-one had gone away for any reason.
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