Author Topic: Hi everyone  (Read 1424 times)

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Offline Philb

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Hi everyone
« on: August 19, 2018, 03:56:46 PM »
Hallo!

I said hi in the forum above, but happy to do so again; I’m Phil, 59 and my wife Jill died 8 years ago of bowel cancer when she was 54. It was a 2 year period of our lives, bookmarked at the beginning by the death of my mother, and a while after Jill died by the death of my father. So it was a rough old time.

So difficult in fact that it’s taken me this long to really start to process my feelings about Jill’s death, and it’s only in the last two weeks I’ve been able to look it straight in the face. I have been, and still am, suffering from complex grief disorder. I don’t know if it’s something people are familiar with or not. I did a quick search and couldn’t see anything about it, so I’m happy to go into detail if people want to know more. Suffice to say it has totally wrecked my life and sanity for the last 8 years!

Meanwhile it’s me and my Labrador Mr Rustypants, and we spend a lot of time walking, thinking and considering. I’m looking forward to getting a little more involved in the future here, but feel free to ask anything you’d like, and if I can help, I will.

Phil.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Hi everyone
« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2018, 10:46:04 PM »
Sending you a welcome hug Phil  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Hi everyone
« Reply #2 on: August 20, 2018, 01:16:53 PM »
Hi Phil - i have heard of complex grief disorder -it is seven years since my husband died - and like you there were other traumas around the same time which increased the difficultys - i am also no stranger to grief -this was the second time of bein widowed and one of the things that struck me was the difference in my reaction the second time - i truly believed because i had got through it once i was awre of the hurdles and the pain but also that there would be light at the end of the tunnel and quickly discovered that i couldnt even see the light let alone head towards it.But i was able to process it and now despite some unexpected setbacks perhaps i am coming out on the other side -  i dont believe grief ever really leaves us but processing it is about learning to cope with it and learning to accept the different person we become.THis site was a lifeline to me - but also i found something called continuing bonds theory - written by Dennis Klass, and Phyllis R. Silverman, it sugests that while most psychologies focus on "curing" us of our grief with the ultimate goal of letting go of the person we have lost it is an unatttainable goal - that instead, we change the way we retain a relationship with that person in a different way and the bond flexes but isnt brocken - this can be through embracing memorys or rituals or for some religious beliefs -much depends on our cultural backgrounds - but it was the point that we dont have to "let go" - put it "behind me" and somehow "forget"  which created a break through at a time when i felt i was mad,  i wasnt coping and i wasnt  doing it "properly"  - because i couldnt do that - and actually i really didnt want too - knowing that i didnt have too was the turning point so maybe it would be worth a read for you too.