Author Topic: Loss of father  (Read 1651 times)

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Offline tisla

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Loss of father
« on: February 02, 2018, 07:33:58 PM »
I lost my father in August 2017, after a long and traumatic battle with alzheimer's. We didn't have a great relationship, so everything has been really complicated for me. It turns out that my main grief response has been anger.

So now it appears I've also lost my relationship with my partner who I love very much. I have managed to drive them away through being angry all the time, and being impossible to comfort. But, I feel like they have not really supported me - I'm young and I think lots of people my age have no reference point, and don't know how to help someone who's grieving.

I feel completely alone, and totally adrift. I feel as though the rug has been pulled from under me and my whole life feels pointless. Meanwhile the world around me continues to go on. Because our relationship was difficult, I'm not finding I have the feelings of missing my father and really any fond memories to look back on. I just feel angry and as though I can't cope. If anyone has been through similar emotions, I'd really appreciate hearing from you. I've had some counselling - it helps a little but I don't feel as though I'm moving forward at all - and now I also have to grieve for my lost relationship at a time when I feel at a loss to cope with it.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Loss of father
« Reply #1 on: February 02, 2018, 08:18:45 PM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug:
It is hard, people young and older, who havent lost a loved one do not comprehend how long grief lasts or how intense it is. Many people think everything is ok again after the funeral. It can also confuse people that we sometimes fluctuate in our moods too during bereavement and we cant always articulate what we need to feel comforted - It's truly a rollercoaster

Have you tried journaling perhaps? Keeping a diary could be a way for you to write down everything you are feeling, safe from judgement and could help you process the feelings.  If the feeling of anger is intense it might perhaps help to do some aerobic exercise, a way to burn off that pent up energy too

Some days it may not feel like it, but keep talking and searching for solutions and it will keep getting easier to cope in time xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline tisla

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Re: Loss of father
« Reply #2 on: February 03, 2018, 01:04:29 PM »
Thank you so much, I really appreciate the reply. I’m in awe of everyone on here who’s continuing, it just feels impossible to get through every 10 minutes. I think I naively thought I’d got past the wo at as it was 4 months ago, but I think it’s just beginning to hit me. Thank you for the advice about journaling and exercise. I don’t feel like I’m up to doing much of anything but I guess I have to try. It’s hard to get past the feeling that I can’t try, and I don’t want to.
I suppose that’s the essence of grief - everything carries on around you regardless. Thank you again for the words of support.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Loss of father
« Reply #3 on: February 03, 2018, 04:39:54 PM »
In the earlier stages and on bad days sometimes we just have to concentrate on one day at a time, or hour by hour even. Just tackle the present moment. Grief takes alot of energy so dont feel bad if you need to stop and rest sometimes.  I found sometimes I just needed a dvd day, where i would eat something tasty and just watch films. It gave my mind a rest, a little like escaping temporarily.  But its important to also not withdraw and only do that

One thing I found which really helped me was starting to feed the birds in my garden, that has become part of my routine now - i get up, stick the kettle on for my coffee and whilst waiting I throw a handful of food out for the birds. Now they all flock into the apple tree whenever I step in the garden, and a little robin visits daily.  Connecting with wildlife and nature has really helped - I think with all the advances of technology we have forgotten the benefits of this connection

Do you have a local park, lake or woods nearby? Making yourself take a walk, preferably around nature, can really help. You could try starting making yourself do it then after a couple of weeks notice if it has helped atall.  Try and be present in the moment by noticing details around you - that can help give your mind a rest too, which makes it easier to cope with the emotions the rest of the time

Perhaps think of grief a bit like hibernation, its natural to feel we want to retreat, find a cave and hide away, things feel bleak and hopeless, but hold on in there, seasons always change, after a period of rest there will be a spring again.  In the forum we are all in different areas of the cave, we start off deep in the cave, but gradually all move towards the opening as we learn to cope and there's members along the way ready with a helping hand.  Always hold on as there will be change to the intensity of these feelings and it will get easier to cope.  Xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Loss of father
« Reply #4 on: February 04, 2018, 03:54:24 PM »
Apart from very hazy memories as a small child I didn't see my real dad until I was in my twenties.I met him twice and we wrote regually and we got on well.Then he died.Although it wasn't the same as you because we didn't have a bad relationship just no relationship until it was too late.I was angry aout the reasons we had been kept apart all those years angry with myself for not making more effort to see him much more often when we were reunuted and angry that I had so little in the way of memory's and that having missed my childhood he wouldn't see his grandchildren grow up.So I understand being angry and guity an grieving not for what I had lost so much as what h or I would never now have.so not quite the same as you but similar.In time I'd did learn too be at peace with that situation but it takes a while. :hug: