Recent Posts

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 10
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: Work and guilt Arrrgh
« Last post by longedge on March 23, 2018, 07:01:44 PM »
Hi Pam - I'd put off making any binding decisions for as long as praticable. I know everybody has different experiences of work but it is a way of keeping some purpose and structure in your life. Even if it's nothing more, it's a reason to get out of bed in the morning and a way of mixing with other people both of which are missing for some of us  :rolleyes:  :smiley:.
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: Work and guilt Arrrgh
« Last post by sallymk1 on March 23, 2018, 01:22:34 PM »
Hi again,
Lifes a bitch at times isn't it. I had planned to take early retirement in July of this year to concentrate on just being together as he had spent so much time dealing with my horrendous shift patterns. I guess that won't be happening now. I do however have to make some decisions this coming January - I will have had thirty years in and my supperan will be complete. If I carried on working full time after that I will be paying a considerable amount of my wages into something that I won't get any benefit from - something like 12.5% of my salary for nothing. Anyway that is a rant, just wishing you peace, take care and look after yourself.
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: Work and guilt Arrrgh
« Last post by Karena on March 23, 2018, 12:35:41 PM »
 :hug: :hug: :hug:
perhaps the worry about the potential ultimatum is more frightening than the reality -sometimes the best way through this is to just take each day as it comes.

We had plans to move too our favourite holiday spot in Wales,live in a caravan off his pension and whatever casual work i could pick up. Afetr he died I thought i would never go there again how would it ever be the same -but at some point i also thought the best thing i could do would be to go ahead and carry out some of those plans  -do things we already loved to do,planned to do, even things he might have loved to do and i wouldnt -as a kind of tribute i suppose or a way to be his eyes on the world - just planning to do them gave me a focus -created a goal so to speak and even though the big plan just isnt feasable any more, i do go back every year. The first was difficult but now and its actually a place i still feel very close too him.
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: Work and guilt Arrrgh
« Last post by Pambo on March 22, 2018, 05:49:30 PM »
Hello again thank you for replies I was off work last year whilst my husband was in hospital and as I was my husbands carer before he went into hospital I've had to have time off when he has been ill  or hospital appointments etc . I did have phased back to work in October and was still working three days a week until a month ago. My employers have been OK so far but I feel there might be a time when they give me an ultimatum. I feel so distraught it wasn't supposed to happen  like this  we were supposed to grow old together and we had so much planned .
 :hug:I,m glad it went ok -as you say -as ok as such a thing can be.Your mum will probably drop the subject fairly quickly now.

Perhaps your partner is feeling a bit insecure -Some people do have difficulty in understanding that things from our, -before we met them life,  and our relationship with the people close too us at that previous time dont magically dematerialise because a relationship between two people ends -or changes from a couples too a friends situation  - but that doesnt  mean we love the new people any less.Your ex mother in law was a friend  - had she been your "bezzie mate" from school who you grew up with perhaps he would be more able to understand your grief, -but real friendship comes from all sorts of people in our lives including, for some, our in-laws and maybe he cant see that because it is outside his range of experience of friendship.I dont know if there is any way you can help him see that and re-assure him that he is your partner,his position in your life or your relationship are not changed by this -but your grief for your friend, and your concern for your sons grief for his grandma are real.
Thank you Emz2014 and Karena for your replies. Sorry I haven't got back to you until now. Well, the funeral was today and it went well - if that's a term I can use for a funeral. I did what I had to do and ignored any looks or comments my Mum made. She has kept going on about the funeral since we got back which is getting on my nerves. At the moment I still feel so devastated and even though everyone else was giving my ex husband hugs I was afraid to do so as I felt it wasn't right but hope he still realises I was and will continue to be there for him. My current partner has seemed to be a bit quiet and odd with me the past few days and if he thinks now the funeral is over I can now 'get on with my life' I don't think I can just yet. I feel so so upset I just don't know what to do and am wondering how my ex mum in law is feeling and where she is now which I know is silly but I cant help these thoughts :( x
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: Work and guilt Arrrgh
« Last post by sallymk1 on March 21, 2018, 06:01:35 PM »
Hi Pambo

I cannot really add anything more to Karena's post but just to say I know that all staff are pushed at the moment. I have been off work for nearly four months. Three on sick and then unused annual leave till the end of March. I start a phased return next week. I am dreading it, my colleagues tell me about the changes and the continued staff shortages so I don't know how I will cope.
What I will say though is that I needed the time off, there is no way in the world I could have done my job. I still don't know if I can but I have to try. I have only 15 hours the first week and 22.5 the second week. I can take two more weeks of short time but I have to use annual leave for it. Please do not feel guilty whichever way your colleagues meant the texts. You have to do whats right for you and again as Karena said, at this point in time work is unimportant. I can't say you will know when you will feel like returning to work, take the month and then review it with yourself and your boss and GP.
Take care, sending you peace of mind if I could.
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: Still in shock
« Last post by Daffodil on March 21, 2018, 12:43:55 PM »
Thanks, Karena. You understand exactly how it feels. Thanks for your kind words and the hug.  :hearts:
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: Still in shock
« Last post by Karena on March 21, 2018, 11:47:06 AM »
Hi Daffodil. Welcome to the forum.
Given you have suffered so much loss and abuse as well it isnt really suprising you feel you have shut down -in a way shutting down is all we can do just to survive -living a half life not letting others in -because when we do they hurt us in one way or another. Recovery from that is a long process - it can take much longer than others or even ourselves expect it will. Looking at the timescales it seems your daughter stopped speaking to you just after the worst of this happened too.I think just like when a machine breaks down we can only really re-start it one componant at a time -so is there any way you could start by reaching out too her  and build that relationship slowly back up again.
As for your ex-there is no excuse for abuse -many women put up with it -but you didnt and thats a very brave thing -it shows you have strength -but you feel you have lost that on the way into this hell. It isnt lost but sometimes you just get so tired after having to be strong over and over again that you  feel you cant drag it out again.

We are not professional counselors here and a next step for you might be too seek counselling maybe your GP could help there  -but we are all at some stage on this grief journey so we understand and ty to support each other.Just finding this place and making your first post is a big step -but you took it and youre here now and we will try and help.
Even just writing things down somewhere can help you make sense of your own feelings because in writing you have to make sentances - and to do that you have to take some of the stuff that was in your head and put it into words. :hug:
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: Work and guilt Arrrgh
« Last post by Karena on March 21, 2018, 11:28:12 AM »
 :hug: its not your fault and you have not let anyone down -imagine if you went to work and because you cant posibly be expected to concentrate made an error -which had catastrophic effects. Your colleague could have simply been trying to make some kind of general chat -rather than trying to make you fel guilty -maybe they were trying to make you feel wanted and needed, but if their motives are selfish they wouldnt be texting you if you had a physical injury  they cannot possibly understand what is going on unless this has happened too them -and even then everyone reacts differently.
 You havnt let your husband down either -we are not some kind of automaton that just carries on regardless -even though society sometimes would prefer us to be, but your husband would understand that you are not a robot  -if the situation was reversed would you expect him too have been. But guilt is also part of grief and we will look for anything we can find to feel guilty about.
I went back too work too early i made a couple of mistakes sent the wrong invoices too the wrong customers - Fortunately my boss is a human and i didnt get into trouble. When i wasnt making mistakes  i was in a corner crying some-where no use to anyone.
One thing others have done is to arrange a phased return to work -maybe your company would consider that -so you dont get thrown in at the deep end when you do return.

I also understand your not wanting to go back -part of it is that guilt thing -because going back sugests a return to "normal" and yet how can anything be normal ever again.
Part of it is not wanting to face colleagues -how will they re-act will their sympathy leave you a sobbing mess - will their lack of it do the same. One of my bosses although not without sympathy  was telling me all about an argument at home with his wife about the colour of their kitchen units - like i gave dam - i wanted to scream at him -lifes too short let her chose she might be gone tomorow -but i didnt -somehow you learn to bite your tongue - and i know he was a young lad -never lost anyone - but at least trying to make conversation despite feeling he didnt know what to say.
Also there is a feeling of how pointless it all is -here we are slaving away to put a roof over our heads when under that roof is a house full of empty rooms where the most deafening sound is the silence. In my case my whole job is pretty pointless Who cares if some-one got the wrong invoice or an advert doesnt get done on time -its all trivial compared to this loss.

In its favour, however, work does at least give your day structure -you have to get up,get dressed,clean your teeth, brush your hair, and eat in order to do it -and often we dont want to do that and when off sick dont have too -but if we have to work we do - Routine is dull and boring, but routine also helps us deal with the things that have happened which are completely the opposite of it. its a small step forward but small steps are the only ones possible. :hug:
Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 10