Author Topic: Don't know what to say  (Read 1431 times)

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Offline Kate3027

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Don't know what to say
« on: February 05, 2018, 02:33:37 PM »
Today is a hard day. My mum's Godmother, who has been like an Auntie to her, died over the weekend. She was 91 and was found in her home. She had just managed to find a place in a home for her husband (90) who has alzeihmers. As sad as it is to say, I think she stayed strong for him, as long as she could and then her body gave in. My mum is very upset, she knew her a lot better than most of her family who never really bothered or made much of an effort. The family is now arranging the funeral and making decisions which were not her wishes. The service won't even be held in the church she visited every Sunday. Of course my mum has no say and can do nothing about it.

Meanwhile a friend of mine's husband is terminal. He has a tumor on his brain stem and doesn't have long to live. They have a 3 year old girl.

There seems to be so much death and sorrow.

I want to write to my friend to offer her my support (she lives in a different city), but as stupid as it sounds, I don't know what to write. All the things people told me when my dad died didn't help. To look at the faces of my children, to remeber the better times, he's in a 'better place' - all of those sounded like empty clichés to me and simply didn't and still don't help. So I wan't to write to her, but I don't want to write to her as a negative person, bumbling along my own giref journey with no words of wisdom to offer.

I want to tell her how sorry I am, how much I am thinking of her and her family and how lal she can do is spend the time that she has with the man she loves.

It just sounds so empty. I still can't justify death, I still can't understand any of it, there is no rhyme or reason to life, why some people are killed in freak accidents and some people live long and full lives. At the end of the day it ends, there is sorrow, and we all try to get along the best we can. I prefered to live in blissful ignorance of death and sorrow, before my life was altered by it. I can't be ignorant anymore, I know what death is, I feel loss every moment of every day. How can I possibly say anything of any use to somebody who is about to go through that?

Offline Karena

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Re: Don't know what to say
« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2018, 05:04:32 PM »
Actually what you have written in your post could make up some of what you could say - that you know that  -(the cliches) is of no consolation (believe me if some-one had said "at least he will be out of any pain" one more time i would have thumped them)  -you know that there is no words to justify or console for what is happening - as there is no justification, but you will be thinking of her and will do you best to be a friend for her in this most horrendous time of her life. :hug:

Offline sallymk1

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Re: Don't know what to say
« Reply #2 on: February 05, 2018, 05:40:17 PM »
Hi Kate
Both you and Karena are right. The cliches do more harm than good. My worst was "at least you have your memories". I would have had those had he still been alive and could have made some more! You could try getting a blank greeting card of your choice, reminding that you are thinking of her, not to knock back any help even if its just to sit with her. Sometimes grief needs to be shared. "I feel your pain but have no words to make it better".
Also she can prepare herself as much as she likes, it will still hit her like a steam train when it happens - sorry about that but having only recently gone through it I know that to be the case.
Your mum must try to find her own way of remembering her godmother. Famiies often drift apart when a pivotal member dies, maybe consider a memorial service where she did worship. I don't know, I'm not religious so have no real insight into these things.
Whatever you choose with your friend will be fine and appreciated.  I used to find his family members just breezing in, doing something practical he had asked them to do and then leaving me to deal with all the emotional stuff the hardest.