Author Topic: Why is this year worse?  (Read 3723 times)

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Offline Rosaleen

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Why is this year worse?
« on: January 16, 2017, 06:23:55 PM »
14 months since my lovely George passed away. I knew Xmas and New Year and the lead up to them would be bad and that somehow in  January things  would 'ease off' a just little bit. But it hasn't.  it feels as though   my grief  getting worse.
 I remember reading on here that winter IS worse. Is this what it is?  Last winter it was all very  very raw.
This time  I'm crying more now than in the last two months.  I AM doing different things as distractions,  but sometimes,  as soon as  my brain says ,  yes, what I just did was OK, I then, in a heart beat(as I remember someone else here describing it) have a crying episode, sometimes it's  grief sometimes just self pity.
  It doesn't feel like guilt or anything like that, I've been doing distractions for a while. And it doesn't feel as though George's dying is sinking in any deeper than it already has.
I'm all mixed up.
Thanks for listening

Offline Norma

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Re: Why is this year worse?
« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2017, 06:33:44 PM »
Hugs Rosaleen, i think our subconscious tells us in the first year, get through all the firsts and the first anniversary and '' ill be fine ''  unfortunately it doesnt work  like that at all does it hun, for me it was when the reality set in and it hit home what my life had become. Xx

 :hearts:
Its been a rough week but i made it. How about you 💐

Offline Rosaleen

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Re: Why is this year worse?
« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2017, 07:24:46 PM »
Hi Norma,
Thanks for your post and your thoughts, I really  appreciate it. :hug:
For me, personally, I don't THINK I was expecting things to somehow be fine now at all.though I take your point, as I read how the second year is challenging in a different way and other things like that. 

 I do think maybe reality has already  set in.   I sometimes worry I'm kidding myself and it will all come crashing in big time,    except  I believe it did that already,that  first  Christmas Day evening when I had MAJOR Unbelievable meltdown. Since then life has been pretty pointless in spite of any and all distractions.

In common  with a number of other people I used to be a bit of a hypochondriac. Every  little ache or pain was something to worry about, it must mean something was ' obviously '  serious .
Now when I get aches and pains I hope  they ARE the start of something serious
i.e. terminal.   THAT,  I could look forward to. Awful I know but I don't care.
I'm not saying that to get sympathy I don't want or need it. I just wanted to share it.



Offline Karena

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Re: Why is this year worse?
« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2017, 07:49:26 PM »
 :hug: distractions pass time but they are just that and no more,valuable in their wa but not a cure for grief. There isn't really any way to escape the grief or speed it up and so we climb out of the pit then slip back again. Sometimes it seems never ending but it isn't, the footholds get firmer and you get a little closer to the top and the slips take you down that little bit less,I don't think it ever goes away but you learn to live with it,That doesn't mean though that life is all unhappy and has no value by any means,like a wound you get scar tissue which leaves you vulnerable to it becoming raw again but not hopeless if that makes sense.

Offline Hubby

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Re: Why is this year worse?
« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2017, 09:29:55 PM »
I can really identify with your thoughts on aches and pains rosaleen. Even though I am still going through 'firsts' I can't see anything positive in the future and feel that I am just 'existing' rather than living. I am coping better but my best days don't even come close to my worst days when Margaret was with me. Like you say everything dems pretty pointless.

That said these winter days don't make things any easier. Miserable weather, cold, wet, dark, we usd to have our partners with us to make the season more bearable but now find ourselves stuck inside with too much time to think. I'd like to think that spring is just around the corner, literally and metaphorically, and will bring with it brighter days for all of us.

 :hug:

Offline Rosaleen

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Re: Why is this year worse?
« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2017, 11:34:14 AM »
Hi everyone,
 thanks so much for getting back to me.I'm really grateful  to have your input.
Firstly for you Norma.....
.I had a long think this morning  about what you wrote,  what your  "life had become. ".
 What  you said is really resonating with me now, it would certainly explain these tears of self pity.
So a huge thanks for that Norma for helping me to see through all this awful confusion and depression.
 
I'll read  the other posts again and give them time for my brain to mull over


Offline Rosaleen

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Re: Why is this year worse?
« Reply #6 on: January 17, 2017, 11:36:57 AM »
Hi everyone,
 thanks so much for getting back to me.I'm really grateful  to have your input.
Firstly for you Norma.....
.I had a long think this morning  about what you wrote,  what your  "life had become. ".
 What  you said is really resonating with me now, it would certainly explain these tears of self pity.
So a huge thanks for that Norma for helping me to see through all this awful confusion and depression.
 
I'll read  the other posts again and give them time for my brain to mull over


( Not sure if the post went through OK  so this may be a repeat)



Offline Rosaleen

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Re: Why is this year worse?
« Reply #7 on: January 17, 2017, 08:21:19 PM »
Had a long long  think today about your other postings.
I try to to find  distractions so  I can use them to try and keep myself busy, not vegetating or spiralling down into a dark pit.
 I know I can't escape grief. I hope I'm being honest with myself when I say  that I don't expect to.  I think I've said before,.... the times when  I am physically grieving are the times I AM the closest I can ever be now to George.This closeness is strong, and the deeper the grief the stronger the closeness.  It seems to work in some weird way. I do feel loss  as well, but most of the time it's overridden by the closeness, which can prompt the welcome, happy memories.
My original post was because of a seemingly  ongoing, unrelenting, depressive state. Very different from the previous periods or phases I've had before, of feeling down, grieving,   interspersed with times of numbness, some element of feeling less down and less grieving so almost a little  respite.
I appreciate what you said Karena about things not being hopeless,  that it's not never ending. It means a lot.
And Hubby what you said about the weather, I needed to hear that, to remind me that this winter, in all senses of the word,  won't last forever. So thanks

Offline Karena

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Re: Why is this year worse?
« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2017, 07:38:53 PM »
I had SAD before and its certainly worsened since,losing him because winter used to be about cuddling up in front of the fire so i had that antedote that is missing now even more so this year without even the dog for cuddling and despite going to Africa for a break from it.
I feel closer to him outdoors especially gardening.  so not helped by missing that feeling either and so certainly I am more depressed in winter.
But I am more used too it and so know that the nights will always get lighter and shorter and things will feel better when I can get out there again.

Offline Rosaleen

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Re: Why is this year worse?
« Reply #9 on: January 25, 2017, 04:54:23 PM »
Hi this is firstly  a message for Emma; I couldn't get the link to work on the personal messages and can't figure out how to do it from the main site here
Just wanted to thank you for your words of support and forward looking thinking.
Karena, its reassuring to read how you're more used to it now,the depressive winter, it helps to know that I should be able to say the same further down the line

Offline Misst

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Re: Why is this year worse?
« Reply #10 on: March 14, 2018, 09:52:59 PM »
This is so useful to read as it covers a lot of what I've been feeling and thinking. I thought once all the firsts were done it would all start to get to a new normal and I would plan for a future and start to enjoy things again. But everything I do just brings thoughts of how much my partner would have enjoyed it or memories of going to places and doing things together which just brings overwhelming sadness and emptiness. Nothing seems to match up to him. Most of all I miss sharing my day.