Author Topic: Being totally self indulgent..  (Read 2979 times)

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Offline Treece

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Being totally self indulgent..
« on: October 05, 2017, 10:35:00 AM »
Hello..forgive me, I just really need to write the things I can't say to people as I'm seen as strong..even been described several times as inspirational! I don't feel it.My dad passed six months ago tomorrow and I'm still crying.Prior to that I'd just finished radiotherapy, chemo and surgery for 2 cancers.My dad didn't know about the cancers..we all managed to keep it from him.In January when he became I'll I was having radiotherapy and recovering from surgery so I couldn't get shopping for him as I'd like bit managed to bus to his a couple of times a week to clean and help with bits and sit with him.He was only poorly for 3 months and had been well all his life but I struggle to get past those memories of his last weeks in pain and confused on medication.I'm being totally selfish in that after a tough last year I was looking forward to this year of recovery and days out with the family- we always took dad out with us since mum passed four years ago.Every occasion we go out now I miss my dad next to me..family meals, day trips.I rang him every day at tea time and he always wanted to know what I'd been doing and if I was going out.He was 90 and as my daughters say, he's lived a long life and was ready to go so I can't tell them how I miss him every day.Life just seems hard right now..I got through cancer and stayed strong with that and now feel like this.I cope daily with all the side effects of the cancer- pain in joints, fatigue, weight gain, mouth problems.I now have a mouth abscess which may result in losing at least one tooth.I live alone and sometimes feel overwhelmed with trying to work and live like normal when I feel so sad.I feel like everyone from past have now gone..no more memories to share.Just wanted to get that out as I can't say it in real life.Thank you.

Offline Karena

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Re: Being totally self indulgent..
« Reply #1 on: October 05, 2017, 11:33:40 AM »
 :hug: that is in no way selfish, no matter how old some-one is and how full life they lead it makes no difference to how you feel when theyre gone. Of course you miss him, you were obviousely so very close and you missed out on the plans you had to spend time with him,there will always be a place at the table, but by sharing  memorys of him, funny things he said and did, characteristics, annoying habits, the person he was, the place will start to feel less empty.

In time you will start to replace those last memorys with better happier ones those that were his whole life not just the last few weeks of it.I consciousely do that (i lost my husband) -imagine a pack of blank cards and place a happy memory on each,then when a bad one appears imagine throwing it down and replacing it with a happy one.
six months really isnt long to grieve,and i dont think it ever completely goes away,11 years after my mum died i found myself in floods of tears completely out of the blue over a stupid xmas carol.

I think the more people tell us we are strong  we expect it of ourselves and try to live up too the expectation, so admitting too not being infallable becomes more difficult - but you have been through so much, a steel pillar is bound to sway in a storm and actually it needs too or it will snap.

This is a safe place to come too express the emotions you need too, you never need to ask for forgiveness for doing so. :hug:

Offline Treece

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Re: Being totally self indulgent..
« Reply #2 on: October 05, 2017, 11:46:55 AM »
What a lovely message Karena- thank you so much.Lovely analogy, I will try that.Just hate feeling so sad and things I would shrug off seem the last straw.After recovery people can assume you're back to normal but recovery is never complete.I used to work things off by throwing myself into housework etc but am too fatigued to do that so get to thinking instead.Thank you..feels good to talk.Hope you have a good day.x
« Last Edit: October 05, 2017, 11:50:50 AM by Treece »

Offline Karena

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Re: Being totally self indulgent..
« Reply #3 on: October 05, 2017, 06:57:06 PM »
 :hug: Physical and mental fatigue of all you have been through is bound to make doing anything at all challenging,even things you wouldn't have thought twice about before.and I know even doing none physical things,even just reading which isn't something we imagine could be tiring is.My only suggestion is setvyourself small challenges then rest in between.Also I know its coming up too the wrong time of year try and get outdoors even if its just 20 minutes a day.I wonder whether mindfulness or meditation would help.There is also a sleep yoga which doesn't require too much physical effort.The only thing you do with a lotus is visualise one,not try and sit like one.

Offline Treece

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Re: Being totally self indulgent..
« Reply #4 on: October 05, 2017, 07:09:52 PM »
Thank you.I'm tired but back working 20hours a week and running round..people assume I can carry on now as normal.I have to work as there's only me and on my feet a lot.I sleep very poorly so maybe a sleep tape would help.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Being totally self indulgent..
« Reply #5 on: October 05, 2017, 09:08:30 PM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug:
Sometimes we underestimate how much down time is good for us.  Find some time to be gentle with yourself, let yourself stop sometimes and just be.  Have a nice pampering routine to help build yourself - whether thats a nice relaxing bath, or doing something which feels pampering. 
If you're struggling with sleep a night routine could help, to help give your mind the signals to prepare for sleep.  If worries are weighing on your mind, see if it will help jotting them down, so you can put them aside for the night to enable sleep/rest  :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Fleur

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Re: Being totally self indulgent..
« Reply #6 on: October 07, 2017, 09:25:04 AM »
Hi Treece, you are an inspiration. Not because you have tried so hard to resume your "normal" life but because you have expressed your innermost feelings here...they have certainly inspired me and I thank you for being here.
My night times were difficult for me too, my husband died very suddenly and unexpectedly a few months ago after 51 years of a happy marriage. It left so many things unsaid so I wrote letters to him in my journal. I'm sure that helped even though it seemed to break my heart all over again each time I wrote. Getting it out seemed to stop the "what if" and the "I wish I'd said (or done)" things going around in my head each night which allowed me to settle and sleep.
Maybe this would help you?
This too shall pass.

Offline Treece

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Re: Being totally self indulgent..
« Reply #7 on: October 07, 2017, 10:47:17 AM »
That's really kind of you Fleur.I speak allowed to my dad sometimes..when something comes on the telly he watched it something.I know I'm only talking to myself really but I think it helps.I think I'm just going to let myself be sad for a while..I've been fighting it trying to be positive but I don't think it's helping.I'm at my most vulnerable now post cancer.You're no longer in a bubble and have to face an uncertain and scaredy future.Its much harder during recovery in my opinion than during illness.I know I wouldn't want my dad here if he was frail and ill.I guess floodgates are never really opened after illness and bereavement as no one dates find out how you really are.

Offline Fleur

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Re: Being totally self indulgent..
« Reply #8 on: October 07, 2017, 06:16:25 PM »
I do think that we need to allow ourselves to be sad at times, after all there is no short cut to grieving.

When I went through a phase of allowing myself to be sad I was very afraid that I would sink into a deep depression and not be able to find my way out of it, thankfully that didn't happen and I live to face another day with a different perspective.

Please remember that there is a lot of support here for you when you need it. It has certainly helped me. I have found the people here to have a real understanding of our feelings.
This too shall pass.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Being totally self indulgent..
« Reply #9 on: October 08, 2017, 08:31:49 AM »
Its hard to put into written word, but I also found that sometimes just permitting myself to be sad, and not fighting the feeling, did help it to ease in how sad I felt.  For example, if I had a day I felt particularly down, I would notice/acknowledge it then do something which provided more TLC - sometimes this would mean I'd snuggle on the sofa, with something nice to snack on and watch a couple of films.  Seemed doing this now and again gave me a rest I needed and I often felt a bit stronger to face the next day or challenge.

If a friend was struggling, we'd do similar things for them, sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to focus on ourselves.  We are just as important and is not self indulgent atall.

If you find your mood is remaining at the same very low level, try introducing a little walk, or engage with nature a bit - I started feeding the birds and that became part of my morning routine, its a lovely way to start the day throwing food out for them and have them fly down - watching them, hearing the flap of their wings etc

Think baby steps - its a rollercoaster journey.  Sometimes we expect too much from ourselves, sometimes we need to slow down or rest a bit.  It helps if you look for little achievements each day,maybe write it in a little notepad.  We used to do it here on the site, 3 positive things each day. An item could even be just a tasty cup of coffee, doesnt have to be big things, just whatever feels like an achievement.  It helps our minds to notice the positive things  xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx