Lost my dad 3 years ago

[weylunduk]

Hi there,

My mum has had a bad time of it. I guess we both have but I have my wife and daughters to keep me sane.

The only family really have is my parents and my nan, they moved up from the south 8 years ago, and then nan died 6 years ago to Pancreatic cancer, and then dad 3 years ago to brain cancer.

Nan was bad, but she was very old, Dad was awful, he was ill for a few weeks and then mum called me in a state saying she'd wondered where he was and he was half dressed 3 hours after going up, and then he started spasming.

We got to hospital and they thought he'd had a stroke, but pretty soon it was cancer. He deteriorated over a month, forgetting everything it was like altzhiemers at speed, he tried to commit suicide twice, and then he eventually passed away on the about 2 months after being admitted.

That entire time was a nightmare. I was working full days then traveling 2 hours to Hull from work and then back to Leeds around midnight every day. Weekends we were with Mum and then looking for homes, and then hospices until he passed away.
We spent most of the first year going to my mum's at weekends to keep her eating, but we see her less now just due to the girls getting older and having stuff to do at the weekends.

I know it's nothing to what people go though for years but the intensity of it was insane, I have a very stressful job anyway and this pushed me to breaking point. For the most I held it together but I was depressed for most of the next year. I did ask for help and around Easter the next year I got some counseling (about 4 sessions). Most of the time I'm OK, but I do feel sorry for mum and she's never really recovered. She's aged in herself.

But something that's kept happening since my dad died is any film with strong emotion, I find it really hard to keep together, and end up crying, Disney's, Star Wars, Mamma Mia!

I guess this is a very long way of saying does anyone else have this? does it go away? or do I need help?

[Emz2014]

Sending a welcome hug 

I have had that reaction to films when I've been going through emotional times - when I was getting divorced I remember bursting into tears part way through Lord of the rings when boromir died.  Ive never cried at a cinema before!

In some way perhaps it's a good thing, as its providing a release of pent up emotion?

I think our losses do change us - I'm not fully the same 'me' I was before my loss. There's aspects of me and some of my responses which have changed.

Have you been able to talk about your loss, but also talk through memories and thoughts?  Talking helps us process our loss, which might help, especially when it has been sudden or traumatic.  But also, I dont think grief is time bound/works in a tidy order.  We learn to live with the gaping hole of our loved one - we build our lives back up around it but the missing remains.  It's been 4 years since I lost my dad, and I still think of him all the time and miss him. I think it helps to be able to still talk about them - say when you are feeling sad from a memory.  I think that helps me, as it kind of acknowledges that its ok to feel sad sometimes

Perhaps have a think of whether you're under pressure at the moment, with travel or work, and whether there are any changes you can make which would ease the pressure.  Are you getting time to relax after work, time to follow your hobbies or interests? Are you getting some time alone to just be sometimes? Some small changes or introducing new elements may help balance your emotions?

Hope that makes some sense?! Xx

[Karena]

I agree with Emz that general stress coping strategies will help,but also that bereavement does change us,and part of that change is accepting there will always be those gaps left by our loved ones from which often in predicted emotions come spewing out every so often.Many years after my mum died I found myself sobbing over a Xmas carol that took me back too her playing it on the piano for her infants class nativity.Even now watching my grandsons Nativity's brings tears too my eyes because she put a lot of effort in to them as a teacher.
I lost my husband 6 years ago yet found myself crying at a wedding a couple of weeks ago.Also a film or a song can whack me out of the blue.Finding this place after losing him was a real help,writing helped but also finding a community of people also experiencing this journey helps you realise you are not alone and not going mad but experiencing something for which there are theory's but none quite fit.