Author Topic: Surely life is never the same again?  (Read 2816 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Kate3027

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 30
  • Karma: +2/-0
  • Gender: Female
Surely life is never the same again?
« on: May 21, 2018, 07:02:52 PM »
I suppose this is a bit of a vent for want of a better word, because I need an outlet.

We have just arrived home after a long weekend with the in-laws. Now it is no secret that my in-laws are not particularly emotionally intelligent people, certainly would never dare to address the elephant in the room and I have long since decided that the way to move forward is to simply not allow the subject of my Dad be any of their business. It has been working well, the subject is simply off the table. But if you ask me a direct question, I’ll give you a direct answer. My father-in-law asked me how my Mum is doing, and so I answered, honestly. I explained that she’s ok, but she’s also not ok. That eight months in reality has started to settle, and it hurts. She is no longer walking through a waking dream, this is life, he is not coming back and so in many ways, some things she is finding harder now, half a year later, than she found in the first few weeks and months after he died. There was no follow up question as to how I am. He looked utterly miffed at my answer. I decided next time to simply say that she’s fine.

He didn’t ask me how I am, nor did I expect him to. I would not have welcomed the question. I was quite quiet all weekend. I didn’t mean to be antisocial, but I often find that being there and experiencing a “complete family unit” quite difficult. And it was in my resigned state that I got to thinking. I might look back at this post in a few months and read it with a different perspective, even if I can see where I was coming from emotionally when I wrote it. That gives me comfort.

It seems to me that there is the Before and the After. Before is before grief, before the worst happens. Life is normal, we live as if we are invincible and we belong to the group who live life in blissful ignorance.

Then the earthquake happens, our core is shaken and we live in the After. Rose-tinted spectacles turn to grey, cynicism creeps in and a blanket of melancholy seems to cloak our world. We are all going to die. So we should seize the day, right? I just can’t seize the day yet and everything leaves a bitter taste. I know I can live life to the fullest, I can make new memories, have new experiences and go on new adventures, but in the back of my mind looms the inescapable sense that life will simply never be quite the same again. Now I move through the world with grief as a new companion and I don’t know how to open up and let everything in, when I feel only that my life will never be the same again without my father in it. One of the great pillars that held me up.

It has been eight months. Enough now, come back.

Offline Emz2014

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1904
  • Karma: +130/-0
Re: Surely life is never the same again?
« Reply #1 on: May 22, 2018, 07:41:49 AM »
Your description sounds so familiar  :hug:  We do walk life with grief as a companion,  in my experience it isn't fully healed or disappears, but the pain does ease as the years pass. I have noticed it subtly changes over the years, I think of my dad all the time and miss him but it is a different feeling to the first year  :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2132
  • Karma: +145/-0
Re: Surely life is never the same again?
« Reply #2 on: May 22, 2018, 11:00:32 AM »
Maybe your father in laws silence or apparent disaproval of your answer is because of his one fear -he wants your mum to be absolutely fine because all of us will face this at some time,he doesnt want to face reality, so he wants a different answer even if it isnt the truth.

Emz is right i dont think life ever does go back to "normal" how can it when the person we lost was such a large part of that "normal" But be wary also of what we consider normal is -because society and even some forms of psych theory sees normal as "cured" the theory is you follow a linear pattern of grief, and indeed some of those stages are recognisable - shock guilt anger etc and you follow it then break the bond that ties you, then youre "cured"  i think the official word is detachment - it seems to me such twaddle like the year of mourning thing - grief doesnt have a sell by date. - but we go along with it because we,re expected too we say we,re ok when we are not, we go back to our life as it was before, pretend to be the life and soul of the party if thats what we were before - because that was "normal," maybe we even believe ourselves "cured" - until something knocks us sideways and we,re in a heap crying again.
There is another theory though called continuing bonds and to me this is more realistic.Our culture, history belief system will dictate too a degree which direction this takes, it could be religion, heaven, reincarnation,etc so we think of them as looking down from heaven,we see them in an animal we suddenly see regually or a new borm baby in the familly,we take part in a ritual.of some kind, perhaps we lose faith and explore other ideas . Even if we believe in none of those things it doesnt prevent us from doing this,we seek closure but how can there be closure and actually do we really want that -maybe we think we do, so we can go back to being ourselves -but being ourself without the people who shaped us isnt being ourself either.

So i think the key is to do those things, live our life and have those adventures,but stop thinking in terms of trying to do that without them, which is what makes them empty -and find a way to take them with us.It could be simply taking something of theirs everywhere with us, writing about our advetures in diary form adressed too them, think about them in our decision making as though we were talking too them, what would they say what would they advise, maybe make some of those adventures all about them,go somewhere or do something they wanted to do, continue an interest they had so that in a way we may actually come to understand them better and carry their legacy forward that way. Also dont be afraid to go back somewhere because its going to evoke memorys and make us sad, go back because, even though that happens, it also focuses on the happy memories.
We used to go somewhere we both loved for holidays whenever we could get away, and although in the first year i thought it would be too painful so didnt go, and i,m now restricted to once a year, i feel closer too him there than anywhere, i had to slay some dragons on the way to going back, but i,m glad i did now.

Offline Kate3027

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 30
  • Karma: +2/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Surely life is never the same again?
« Reply #3 on: May 22, 2018, 02:00:26 PM »
Thank you both for your thoughtful and, as ever, sincere replies. I think many people think I need a cheerleader to tell me that I'll get back on my feet, but I don't agree, I think I need a realist and you two to me are realists, who look at my feelings with such regard and are honest in saying that no, it's not going to be the same, that is the way it is (in the best possible way)

I think I have started to take him with me subconsciously. On my birthday I purposefully wore a heart-shaped necklace he wittled for me from a piece of wood we found together. Every time I looked in the mirror I saw it and every time my hand when to my neck and found it, it did make me feel stronger.

I also don't think grief can be cured, it's like a shadow that walks with you.

Thank you again for your replies, you've given me a lot to think about :)

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2132
  • Karma: +145/-0
Re: Surely life is never the same again?
« Reply #4 on: May 23, 2018, 11:41:03 AM »
 :hug:

Offline stephenpaul

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 11
  • Karma: +1/-0
Re: Surely life is never the same again?
« Reply #5 on: May 23, 2018, 12:49:56 PM »
I suppose this is a bit of a vent for want of a better word, because I need an outlet.

We have just arrived home after a long weekend with the in-laws. Now it is no secret that my in-laws are not particularly emotionally intelligent people, certainly would never dare to address the elephant in the room and I have long since decided that the way to move forward is to simply not allow the subject of my Dad be any of their business. It has been working well, the subject is simply off the table. But if you ask me a direct question, I’ll give you a direct answer. My father-in-law asked me how my Mum is doing, and so I answered, honestly. I explained that she’s ok, but she’s also not ok. That eight months in reality has started to settle, and it hurts. She is no longer walking through a waking dream, this is life, he is not coming back and so in many ways, some things she is finding harder now, half a year later, than she found in the first few weeks and months after he died. There was no follow up question as to how I am. He looked utterly miffed at my answer. I decided next time to simply say that she’s fine.

He didn’t ask me how I am, nor did I expect him to. I would not have welcomed the question. I was quite quiet all weekend. I didn’t mean to be antisocial, but I often find that being there and experiencing a “complete family unit” quite difficult. And it was in my resigned state that I got to thinking. I might look back at this post in a few months and read it with a different perspective, even if I can see where I was coming from emotionally when I wrote it. That gives me comfort.

It seems to me that there is the Before and the After. Before is before grief, before the worst happens. Life is normal, we live as if we are invincible and we belong to the group who live life in blissful ignorance.

Then the earthquake happens, our core is shaken and we live in the After. Rose-tinted spectacles turn to grey, cynicism creeps in and a blanket of melancholy seems to cloak our world. We are all going to die. So we should seize the day, right? I just can’t seize the day yet and everything leaves a bitter taste. I know I can live life to the fullest, I can make new memories, have new experiences and go on new adventures, but in the back of my mind looms the inescapable sense that life will simply never be quite the same again. Now I move through the world with grief as a new companion and I don’t know how to open up and let everything in, when I feel only that my life will never be the same again without my father in it. One of the great pillars that held me up.

It has been eight months. Enough now, come back.

I lost my wife, but I understand completely how you feel.

I go on on a day by day basis, sometimes coping, sometimes bursting into tears just thinking of all the things we used to do together, and as my wife was also my carer, as I am disabled, it merely magnified just how much she did for me, and I never always appreciated it, which now makes me feel quite selfish.

I know that men aren't supposed to show the emotions, but I have learned to do that, and the people I know, friends, family , etc., have been very understanding. It doesn't though mask the feelings of loneliness I feel every day. I do have two cats to look after, though it feels at the moment they are looking after me, and giving me comfort in my grief.

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2132
  • Karma: +145/-0
Re: Surely life is never the same again?
« Reply #6 on: May 24, 2018, 11:13:04 AM »
stephenpaul - i really hope the days when men are expected to not show emotion are behind us. :hug:
In a sense your cats are looking after you, If i hadnt had my dog i wouldnt have had the will or the energy to get up or do anything even feed myself, but when we have a dependant, human or animal then we have too,so they dont just offer comfort but also incentive.

Offline stephenpaul

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 11
  • Karma: +1/-0
Re: Surely life is never the same again?
« Reply #7 on: May 24, 2018, 02:05:32 PM »
stephenpaul - i really hope the days when men are expected to not show emotion are behind us. :hug:
In a sense your cats are looking after you, If i hadnt had my dog i wouldnt have had the will or the energy to get up or do anything even feed myself, but when we have a dependant, human or animal then we have too,so they dont just offer comfort but also incentive.


The cats are the invaluable. I did have a border collie puppy, but my wife took care of her and my walking is severely limited because of arthritis. So with a great deal of regret I had to rehouse our puppy, and I miss her too.



Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2132
  • Karma: +145/-0
Re: Surely life is never the same again?
« Reply #8 on: May 25, 2018, 11:51:11 AM »
 :hug: thats a shame, but best for the puppy of course -I have thought long and hard about getting another dog,  mine died last year, and i miss him so much.I have been offfered a lab puppy by a neighbour but it wouldnt be fair to get a puppy as i,m at work all day and currently  having limited walking distance, has reinforced that too.
I have three older dogs that i look after for other people when theyre on holiday,and am considering occasional emergency fostering for a local shelter,its not the same as having your own,but the dogs welfare has to be paramount.
but you have your cats, and they will keep you going. :hug:

Offline jcass

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 15
  • Karma: +0/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Surely life is never the same again?
« Reply #9 on: June 19, 2018, 01:27:02 AM »
Oh Kate
I feel the same. Come back now, it will be ok we can sort it all out. I can't accept that this is now my life, I refuse too. I visit my mother in law in hope she will talk to me about her son (my husband) but no they don't even ask how I am so I've stopped visiting. Almost 6 mths since my husband went and I really don't know  how much longer I can hold on, it hurts. People say move on how do you move on from such a loss. I've found reading the posts here and knowing that I'm not alone has helped. Jx

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2132
  • Karma: +145/-0
Re: Surely life is never the same again?
« Reply #10 on: June 19, 2018, 01:03:57 PM »
jcass - you dont move on - people keep saying it but its meaningless it implies leaving them behind - so you cant and whats more you dont want too but you dont have too -  - you do move forward, and you find ways to take them with you - and quite often that means changing - which is something else others dont understand - so being the happy go lucky life and soul of the party might be how they saw you before - but you cant be that person you were, because life isnt as it was before.

It remains painful and it rears up and hits you even when you find peace in between -but the peace is the time in which you start to find the person you are now and will be in the future - and it takes a lot longer than most of us imagine it will.
Its like learning the basics again - how to walk - who or what is safe to lean on or cling too however long or briefly while you get your balnce again, and just like babys do sometimes we might start to run before we are able,or we might bash our heads on the table because we havnt become co-ordinated yet, but we learn how to get up from the falls and then  how to put our hands down to make them less painful. But in the same way when you learned as a baby how to do this, when you eventually ran across the grass, you could always turn round and see your mum or dad just over your shoulder - because although you had stretched the bond between you and i was a different shape  it never broke.In the same way the bond with your husband has moved and taken a diffierent direction but it is never brocken. 
I still talk to my husband i still laugh at the things he would have laughed at me for - i still look too his wisdom when i try to do things and i still try and live my life for both of us and do the things he loved to do - and the things we did together -and thats how i take him with me. :hug:

Offline jcass

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 15
  • Karma: +0/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Surely life is never the same again?
« Reply #11 on: June 22, 2018, 01:02:24 AM »
Thank you Karena,
Talking to my husband helps me get through the day, I say bye bye when I go out of the house and I shout Im back when I come home, Ive decided to do what helps me and not what others think I should.
You are correct in saying we must find a new balance.
thank you again for your words of help.
J x

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2132
  • Karma: +145/-0
Re: Surely life is never the same again?
« Reply #12 on: June 22, 2018, 12:00:17 PM »
 :hug:Jcass that is exactly right -it is our grief and we have to find a way we can cope, not a way others think we should.xx


Offline Kes1968

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 186
  • Karma: +3/-1
Re: Surely life is never the same again?
« Reply #13 on: July 08, 2018, 05:52:39 PM »
I was feeling that way last night, getting all nostalgic for my old life with mum in our old house, and it got to me a fair bit, I miss her so much and I know I have to make a new life for myself, it won’t be the same, it can’t be but I have to learn to move forward, just not always easy is it, hugs xxx :hearts: