BEREAVEMENTUK SUPPORT FORUM
Bereavement Support Posts => Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room => Topic started by: CarolineL on February 18, 2019, 04:02:46 PM
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Hi, My name is Caroline, I lost my husband in June 18 after 32 yrs of marriage. He became ill very quickly and within 2 weeks was diagnosed terminally ill with cancer and died. One week everything was fine the next I am arranging his funeral. Its taken me this long to talk about it because I think the shock has only just begun to wear off and I feel lost.
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Sending you a welcome hug :hug: xx
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Hi caroline. I also lost my husband - almost eight years ago, and althought now i think of hime every day still it is more with smiles than tears - in between has been a roller coaster journey where you start to climb a hill then slip back down again as you try and make life into something worth living again Finding this place helped because as you may have already found those around us go back too their normal life and even expect us too as well - just because they cannot understand if they have never experienced it themselves.Being here people had, and the times you think you are going mad or doing it all wrong some-how they were quick to say no this happened to me and i thought that too -we all grieve differently and have different experiences as part of that grief but at the same time find the commonality where we can share and give each other a helping hand or just a virtual cuddle because they help too. :hug:
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Thank you Karena and Emz the hugs are appreciated the last 8 months have been up and down its everything you have to deal with and the same time as missing the one you've lost and the pain can be overwhelming. Yes I think thisa forum will be a help, its good to talk, take care x
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Hi CarolineL, I,be been with my beautiful girl for 32 years and nine children. She became ill at the end of September 2018 and passed in January 2019 due to cancer. My beautiful girl was a CUP patient and the cancer was so aggressive that she deteriorated very fast but was wonderfully brave and I am so proud of her 🙂❤️ I don’t think I’ve even scratched the surface of coming to terms with this pain I’m feeling and I don’t think I probably ever will. So I understand your pain, you’re not alone 🙂
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Hello CarolineL. I lost my husband in Oct 18 and although in different circumstances (my husband went to work and didn’t come home) I understand how one day everything is ok and the next is life changing.
I’m new to this forum too and hoping to get comfort from talking to others who understand what I’m going through....I hope you do too.
:hearts: big hug xx
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Hi Pam and Monster Bear,
Yes Pam it takes some time, keep thinking I'm doing ok and then for no reason I get up in the morning and just feel down all day. In the beginning I used to say 'I'm not stupid, I know he's gone' But honestly sometimes now I have to remind myself that he has gone. Grief can play tricks but I also believe our own inner self protects its self.
Monster bear (9 children) how wonderful, my husband had liver and lung cancer, fine one week diagnosed terminal the next, I think that was a blessing in disguise for both of us, as some face the inevitable for months and months, though at the time I prayed for more time with him now I am pleased he didn't suffer to long.
Hope you both keep in touch, I'm still finding my way around the forum but do feel like its helping, don't feel so alone.
Love and hugs to you both x
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Hiya, hope you’re ok and had a good week 😀
Sadly I’ve had a bad time in the last few days and am badly missing my girl. Totally understandable I know, but very painful all the same.
However, I’m already planning my goals for the future and am coming to terms with accepting I’m going to be alone (without my partner) in the future.
I also feel that I’m now better organised and have the demands of the home and family now under control, so there has been progress.
I guess all I can say is inspite of being in a lot of pain, it is possible to function and get done what needs to be done.
Keep going, all the best
MB
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Hi Monster Bear,
Sorry to hear you've had a bad week, keep counting those blessing, all the things you are managing, and try not to be so hard on yourself x
I also have had a bad / sad week, my daughters (who lives with me) has been made redundant and I'm so upset for her, its times like these my Darren would hold me and tell me everything's alright but I have to be the supportive one now just feel exhaustipated (my new word for being tired all the time). I am all my children have left so have to support where I can.
Here's to next week MB lets hope its a better one, take care.
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I’m sorry to hear about your daughter Caroline L....I hope she is able to find work soon....I know that’s easier said than done sometimes ...
I have 2 daughters and although they both have their own places (very close by) and I don’t see them every day, I know they are also grieving and I don’t always know how best to support them as I am consumed with my own grief.... we do get together for meals etc and talk most days but I know their hearts are broken too and just want to make it better....as we parents do....and this time I can’t make it better :cray:
Xx
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I know its hard Pam, we worry about them and we need to look after ourselves too. Thank you for your kind words, my daughter has been fortunate and found work but I just keep worrying about what could come next. You take care of yourself x
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There's really no point worrying about the future, Caroline. Dealing with the present is quite hard enough, especially when you are grieving. Try focusing on what you have, rather than what you've lost. It's great that your daughter has found another job. Even small positives can help you feel better. One of the other ladies on here, recommends you look for little things every day that are good, even as small as seeing some flower;, that it is nice weather or some little thing that is good that has happened to you that day, like someone having been kind to you in some way. You can cross tomorrow's bridges when you get to them..xx :hearts:
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Sandra, thank you for your supportive word and you are right I have consciously decided to focus on what is good in my life and to try and stop fretting about the little stuff. I think after you have lost someone so close you keep thinking if that can happen what else can but I am very fortunate to have what I do have even though I have lost something so precious I still have so much to be grateful for. There is no point in worrying about the future, what will be will be, whats more important is what we do with our time now. I planted some seeds last week in an incubator as Darren would always set his seeds away for the garden at this time (my first try) and they have grown so tall already. I looked at those small seedlings and thought to myself , see what you can do, was so pleased with myself over something so small. Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words love n hugs :hearts:
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:hug: well done with the seeds - i think growing stuff and watching the seasons change as well is really therapeutic - and helps to see in front of our own eyes what can come from the harshest winters of our lives.
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Yes - Hurry up Spring, cant wait to spend more time in the garden and green house (which is where my rabbit is living at the moment to keep her out of the frosts) come on spring x
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Well done with the seeds, Caroline! I think all you can do is try to enjoy whatever you can in each day. The storms will come along anyway and usually out of the blue, so you have to make the most of the calm and good days. Keep going, Caroline. You are doing really well. :hug: :hug:
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I have been wondering about keeping a rabbit - there is one up for adoption from the animal rescue place - but i know absolutely nothing about rabbits and this one says he would make a good house rabbit which worried me slighlty as i have other peoples dogs who come for their holidays sometimes, so not sure it would work very well with a free range tasty house rabbit around. - To cap it off though a friend of my daughters has a landlord who is putting the house on the market and he might need some temporary accomodation for his pets if he ends up sofa surfing - two terrapins, two house cats and wait for it - two chickens - one of which is a permanant house chicken because its blind and a bit lame and old but he couldnt bear to kill it ( the other is a bit poorly but might be better and back out on his allotment where his others are kept by then hopefully ) - to explain how this happens, i already have three fish tanks - each one containing a fish that has been rescued and then brought to my door - each fish not able to live with any of the others - two of them were accomdated "temporarilly" allegedly -one i expected a couple of years tops (what did i know about parrot fish he has been here 8 now ) and now terrrapins - who will also have to be housed separately - my living room is going to look like a pet shop aquarium section soon.- house cats i assume dont go out, so thats going to mean litter trays (yuk) - and a house chicken which apparently gets on well with the cats - i assume that isnt house trained at all - although chickens do like scratching - maybe it can empty the litter tray and maybe it could spend some time at least during the day in a nice (padded) run in the garden - or maybe i should have a nice padded run and a strait jacket. :rolleyes:so anyway - it looks like i wont be adopting benjamin bunny or any other bunnies until that is sorted.
This is precisely why i dont have chickens, because they would be named, and be pets and taken to vets and kept nice and cozy, and then everyone would bring me their old lame ones knowing i am a soft touch.I also get poorly pigeons , blackbirds and hedgehogs dropped off from time to time. :rofl:
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You have made me giggle x :rofl:
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:hug: In the middle of all the pain that brings us here, its important to be able to giggle i think.
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I used to have 4 chickens and they would rush into the house whenever we opened a door. They would gobble down the cat food then make themselves comfortable in the sitting room. I remember it really freaked out an insurance agent once!
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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: i can imagine.-The Jury is still out on whether i get these new foster pets yet.
My eldest daughter was suposed to be here by now - but there has been a disaster with passports and visas -and the seeds i bought are still in the packets as i just cant catch up with anything - although the later they come now, the better from a keeping warm point of view because my chimney has mysteriousely got blocked ( iam convinced now the carbon thingy monitor was not working and the reason i am so tired these days is fumes not old age and burning candles at both ends (although that would also create fumes) ) - so no heating. (theyre coming from south africa so anything below 25 is too cold) but this delay has of course given me more time to get the house ready and that has created an over ambitiousness that has got me in a mess, as in bomb site looking mess. -I finally finshed decorating the living room including painting the ceiling which i had not intended to do but had too once the walls were lighter as it looked a delightful shade of sulphur yellow - then the chimney -smoke blowing back into the room meant i had to do it again. ( that stove has been there for 7 years and never done this before it was waiting for me to paint the ceiling)
The kids room was definitely ready for a refresh so last weekend i figured half a day would do it - (given they do 60 minute make over in 60 minutes i thought half a day was realistic fool that i am )
They have a three year old little girl the others are all grandsons and age range 4 to 14 - so how do you decorate a room for such a mixed group - having pondered it for a while I decided i would decide once i had shifted the furniture round and resurected the cot bed
- too much thinking not enough action i told myself.
Its down to accessorising the paintwork will do, i told myself -
Then i pulled the wardrobe out and only then remembered i hadnt pulled it out last time i painted, still it wouldnt take long to touch up a corner - i told myself
and trotted off to get paint but it was the wrong colour and i only had silk left in the (almost) right colour - which i cant paint on the outside walls as it stops them "breathing" -
By now i had of course painted over the patch with the wrong colour thinking it would dry the right colour - it didnt and there wasnt enough left to do the whole wall - so i made the patched shape into a tree - which looked odd on its own - so i painted another tree - several in fact - so there,s my theme - sorted - but hand painting trees takes longer than i thought, especially if you are quite enjoying being creative with an entire room wall as your canvas - oh the freedom -
so now the older kids part will have birch trees with silhouted bird shapes and a couple of silhouetted deer (yet to be stuck on the wall) and the cot bed side will have a more childish (girly: sorry Paul) colourful owl decals that i bought on a whim yonks ago and never got round to using - in between the top branches of all these trees and on the ceiling will be luminous stars (1,000 of them yet to be stuck on - i,m thinking of having a kids party - here you are kids a once in a lifetime opportunity to put stickers everywhere jump up and down step ladders and not get told off :rofl:) and the bedding and curtains will be white with stars as well.
Sunday afternoon and i have got to the point i can put the cot bed together - so where are the bolts why arent they with it - being the organised person i am i have a drawer for such things and i even keep them in separate bags if theyre a set and her was a toymaster bag of likely looking bolts (how clever of me to store bolts for a cot in a child related bag) then i tried to figure it out, but it would not fit together in any combination.
At this point the eldest grandson has turned up and is wielding my drill and suggesting he just drills new holes and we cobble it with screws - ( tempting) but luckilly i refused to go along with that idea, and we went down to re-think it (you tube) -which didnt help - then he had a genius idea and we wondered how appealing the idea of an indoor beach tent and air bed would be to a 3 year old girl (in keeping with the forest theme) I went back upstairs to see if the tent would fit the space. and on the way up remembered in a rare moment of clarity, when i took the cot bed apart i put the bolts in the top drawer of my dressing table, opened it and there they were a set of bolts all neatly lined up - ( heaven knows what the other ones are off) -ten minutes later it was done - ( although i do still quite like the tent idea, certainly for the younger two, possibly three (but older than her) boys maybe four given it was the eldest ones idea - a campsite even. The cot bed is too small for them and probably for her too by the next time they are over) :cool:
so having lost so much time last weeend , in theory this weekend i am going to
paint the porch door,
sort the spare room for the adults (i really hope i dont find any unpainted bits)
sort the bathroom put up a new shower curtain,change the back kitchen/ utility room into an office as he will need to work while theyre here,
move everything around in the "proper kitchen/ dining room to make room for the stuff formerly in the above room and create a play area,
Hide all the bits of spare furniture and other junk behind a curtain in my room (curtain pole yet to be put up curtains yet to be sourced ) -
Find out if the battery strimmer will charge and if it does, cut all the grass
tidy up the garden generally,
move and re-plant a dozen rasberry canes,
forget the protected seedling stages and plant pea and bean seeds straight into raised beds (yet to be weeded) and cover them in jam jars which will hopefully keep mice and pigeons out and protect from frost
- and they call this weekend a bank HOLIDAY. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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:hearts: nature and growing from seed is so nourishing, I spent time yesterday prepping containers, then planting sunflowers and wildflowers. I really enjoyed watching the sunflower journey last year and cant wait for the bees on the wildflowers xx