Hey
Forgive me, I'm finding this whole telling people about this a little weird.
Back in August, I lost my best friend, mentor and father figure wrapped up into one. It wasn't sudden, although it was I think in the end. He hadn't been well for a while, you know? But I didn't expect it... Or I did, but not really and that's the part I'm struggling with. You know the Don McLean song 'empty chairs'? There's a line in it '...although you said you'd go, until you did I never thought you would,' it's a lot like that.
I know it's silly, and was the wrong thing to do at the time, but I gave myself 2 weeks to grieve. But i didn't though, I'm not one to be into all the feelings thing. I'm not a crier, it's just not something I do. And when he died, I had the task of breaking the news to my boss, my supervisor, my colleague, my mother and my sister. The last three of which just started crying immediately, and I then had to comfort them...which was weird because looking back it should have been the other way around. But then I'm not a crier, so why should it have been any different?
I know the whole 5 stages of grief thing, I think I'm jumping back between anger and saddness at the moment. I didn't hit saddness until about 2 months ago, it's almost like my grief has poisoned me inside and I'm getting terrible acid reflux, something I didn't have until the week I now refer to 'the week I broke'-which involved a session Mindfulness that opened up some kind of gate, and now it's like I can feel EVERYTHING. I'm not used to it, I used to be a robot, and I could turn my emotions on and off like a switch. I know I'm afraid to feel, it's always been a problem. I used to be super sensitive when I was little, and then about 10 years ago a switch got flipped and it was like my heart hardened. And it makes sense I've got this reflux thing because I can feel the grief in my chest, like I'm swallowing it down, because I'm scared I'm going to drown.
Reading back not of this makes sense...is it meant to?