Author Topic: After the funeral  (Read 3717 times)

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Offline Badger55

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After the funeral
« on: April 03, 2017, 03:07:40 PM »
Simon's funeral was this morning and I am now back home alone.  Before it, I thought it would be OK and that I would be strong, but the whole thing has just brought everything back up to the surface for me and I now feel emotionally as bad as the day he died five weeks ago.  Completely gutted.  Shocked. 

The funeral doesn't seem, for me at least, to have brought the closure I thought it might.  Everything seems just as raw, if not more so.

Offline Rolande

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Re: After the funeral
« Reply #1 on: April 03, 2017, 08:20:07 PM »
I've been thinking about you today. Can imagine it is a bad day for you Badger. You were in my thoughts. Sending you a big hug  :hug:

Offline Karena

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Re: After the funeral
« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2017, 08:31:11 PM »
 :hug:I think the time before the funeral we are so busy trying to sort everything not just admin but putting heart and soul into making sure the day goes right.choosing music etc that even though we know why we are doing it,the reality of the situation doesn't really hit until after.For some,less close life does go back to normal after the funeral,but for us there is no normal anymore to return too without our loved one.All you can really do is take small steps,one day one hour at a time.

Offline Badger55

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Re: After the funeral
« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2017, 08:33:30 PM »
Thank you both
 :hug:

Offline Badger55

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Re: After the funeral
« Reply #4 on: April 04, 2017, 01:13:18 PM »
Today is the day after the funeral and I just wanted to come here to let out my feelings.  Yesterday, it seemed like the whole world was with me through texts and messages.  Today, those have all stopped.  As I think Norma said, they have all gone back to their normal lives, whilst I am still feeling abandoned and desolate from it all.  Nobody is asking how I am today?  I cannot stop crying.  I know that that is the grief now starting to happen following the lead-up to the funeral, but I am really struggling to cope with it all.  I feel so terribly sad and empty now.  My life seems to have lost all of its meaning.  I have to go back into work tomorrow to run a training course.  I know that all of my colleagues at work with have forgotten that I am still in the grieving process and just expect me to be my normal (that word again!) self.  I am not sure that I can cope with my life alone now.  So sad.

« Last Edit: April 04, 2017, 01:17:43 PM by Badger55 »

Offline Rolande

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Re: After the funeral
« Reply #5 on: April 04, 2017, 01:29:17 PM »
I understand you so well. I KNOW that feeling of "desolation". It's horrid. It will get better. I know that's what everyone says, but it's true, it does. Keep talking and sharing your hurt, I really think it helps darling. Sending a hug xx

Offline Badger55

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Re: After the funeral
« Reply #6 on: April 04, 2017, 01:55:19 PM »
Sobbing my heart out at your lovely response Rolande. 

Thank you so, so much.

 :hearts:

Offline Emz2014

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Re: After the funeral
« Reply #7 on: April 04, 2017, 03:17:47 PM »
Take it gently, don't put too much pressure on yourself to be back to full efficiency,  you will need to increase TLC for yourself for a while - it's a tough journey and during the worst moments it feels like it will never ease, just take it slowly, day by day, hour by hour if need be.   it's a rollercoaster journey but gradually some gentler/easier days start creeping in between the hard times
If your colleagues are supportive, maybe confide in one or two to let them know you need their support right now (if they haven't lost anyone before they may have no idea what they need to do to support you, so may need guidance) and there will be times which feel overwhelming for you. I found being able to take mini breaks now and again helped, like a little escape route.
 :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Badger55

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Re: After the funeral
« Reply #8 on: April 04, 2017, 05:42:33 PM »
Thank you Emz.  I look forward to those easier days creeping in.  Was starting to have a few easier moments, but am now reeling from the funeral and feel back at square one.  The constant anxiety is awful right now.
« Last Edit: April 04, 2017, 07:28:44 PM by Badger55 »

Offline Karena

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Re: After the funeral
« Reply #9 on: April 04, 2017, 08:37:40 PM »
 :hug: be kind to yourself I think we all give ourselves a hard time trying to be brave trying to function as normal and feeling like we somehow failed if we don't do that.Which then increases anxiety.In reality just getting up and dressed alone is an achievement at this stage.If you think about it if you had a Brocken leg you would be laid up for a while,then take a few steps on crutches each day,,maybe go for physio .Some days you would walk more than others ,then just as you're starting to move around a bit more those pesky crutches give you blisters on your hands so you have to slow down again.Then the cast comes off but there's more physio and you still need the crutches and so it goes on.At no point would you expect to jump up and run a marathon for a considerable time.Other people would see the crutches and know you have an injury,perhaps help or give up their seat or simply be more considerate and kind.But with grief they can't see the injury there are no plaster casts or crutches .But it isn't just about others perceptions because we ourselves expect ourselves to run that marathon and its no more possible than it would be with the Brocken leg but it doesn't stop us beating ourselves up when we discover that.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: After the funeral
« Reply #10 on: April 04, 2017, 10:41:07 PM »
It's so easy for anxiety to run away with itself, and snowball.  Remind yourself one step at a time - dont need to tackle everything at once, can break it all down into smaller steps.  Smaller steps are the key  :hug:
When you are feeling anxious try some 7:11 breathing. (I have found it helps me)  Ensuring you are breathing with your diaphragm (can see belly inflating not just chest), breathe in for count of 7, and then breathe out for count of 11.  This engages our natural relaxation response.  If 7:11 is hard can do lower numbers as long as the out breath is longer (i.e. count 3 in and count 5 out)

If you find you feel panicky atall, practising 7:11 breathing regularly, for 5-10 mins, should find its easier to do when starting to feel panicky, calming you much quicker

If feeling particularly anxious another way to try is to locate a rectangle in your environment, a window for example, and let your eyes follow the outline, breathing in for short length and out for longer breath. You may find that helps to engage/distract your mind xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Hubby

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Re: After the funeral
« Reply #11 on: April 04, 2017, 11:47:09 PM »
In the early days we are numb, shocked, and everyone rallies round us. Then comes the funeral and just as reality hits us people think we are moving on with our lives. We aren't of course but do a pretty good impression of someone who is. Till we get behind closed doors and take the mask off.

It's a cliche but it does get easier to cope with time. The periods between setbacks get longer, the setbacks get shorter, but I don't think it's something that we ever get over, more something we learn to live with.

Wishing you strength.

 :hug:

Offline Badger55

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Re: After the funeral
« Reply #12 on: April 05, 2017, 07:20:42 AM »
Thanks Hubby

Badger xx

Offline Julia

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Re: After the funeral
« Reply #13 on: April 12, 2017, 08:01:34 PM »
There's no perfect time for the funeral. I wished to have more time before the funeral. The day I lost my loved one, his organs were donated, which is a good thing, but I found it so traumatising to think that the body I hugged and kissed yesterday is now being cut open like just a piece of meat. He was cremated a week after his death and I wasn't ready for that at all, it felt like I was forced to deal with it then.

Now reading your story, makes me think that extra time wouldn't have helped either. It's just sad and very difficult either way. There will be many more difficult moments, but you will make it through all of them!   :hug: