Author Topic: Emotional rollercoaster  (Read 3174 times)

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Offline Julia

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Emotional rollercoaster
« on: April 15, 2017, 11:14:07 PM »
It's amazing how so many emotions can run through ones mind in one day. I'm trying to keep myself busy, get out and push myself to get better, so today I went to the library, did some reading and even more of day dreaming gazing through the window, watching the boats passing by. Afterwards I went to a film museum and watched some cool little films shot by Bela Tarr - he is a master of the magnificent long take, a master of wonderfully shot, melancholic films that express the human condition. There was one short film I watched three times, as it somehow helped me see immortality, eternity around me even though I am not a religious person. If you search "Werckmeister Harmonies (Opening Scene - GR-EN sub)" in youtube, you will find it. It made me giggle watching those drunken regulars trying to personify the universe and its mysteries.

So I started my day determined to be strong, then got bored in the library, afterwards I cried in the museum watching this film about the total eclipse, afterwards I walked home, cooked a vegetable stew for myself, had a few glasses of wine in the process and started dancing to some really bad cheesy songs all by myself. Tears followed me throughout the day and even though I know it's a process, and I have to go through it all.. I feel exhausted. I don't want to need to get better, I don't want to not have my love with me right now :(

I've been pretending i'm dancing with him. I might need to have my head checked   :cray: 

Offline Karena

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Re: Emotional rollercoaster
« Reply #1 on: April 18, 2017, 07:06:31 PM »
 :hug: no you won't or if you do I and I imagine several others here will too.Look up continuing bonds,its more recent than most bereavement theory's but where the others see grief as a process through which you can be helped to cut the bond this is about the changing bond so even though it changes through physical absence it remains,how that takes place depends on personal and therefore cultural beliefs too an extent but for me instead of condemning and saying you must do this and this is normal and something else isn't,it gives you permission to do it your way., so if you want to dance with him go ahead.

Offline Julia

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Re: Emotional rollercoaster
« Reply #2 on: April 22, 2017, 07:00:22 PM »
Thank you Karena  :hug:
I did look up continuing bonds (will do more reading on that), though at the moment I am too confused with which direction I should let my thoughts go. I don't want to embrace it and let the memory be with me every day, because it just reminds me again and again of what I had lost and it hurts too much, but becoming detached from it is simply not an option, because the thoughts of him are with me every second. I just don't want to be going through this, and I am really upset that I have to go through this regardless, even when I feel so helpless and abandoned. In addition to that, there's no time limit to this sadness and piercing emptiness, which terrifies me. I am already ready to explode with such an overload of heartache.

I understand from your posts that you've lost Keith around 6 years ago, and now you are clearly a great support to others, you sound very positive, peaceful and in control, so I do have hope that long term - everything is possible. I know it never goes away though. I just cannot comprehend that thought at the moment..

Offline Illeybing

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Re: Emotional rollercoaster
« Reply #3 on: April 25, 2017, 09:57:22 PM »
Why do you need your head checked maybe he was dancing with you too who knows!!! And how wonderful if so. He's probably laughing at all your dodgey moves 😂

Offline Julia

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Re: Emotional rollercoaster
« Reply #4 on: April 27, 2017, 11:50:24 AM »
Hahaha, he would definitely laugh at me dancing with an imaginary version of him and would tell me off for crying. We had so much fun staying up late now and then, listening to music, eating smelly cheese, red wine and some silly dancing in the living room and the kitchen.  I miss it all too much, so I'll dance now and then even if it makes me crazy  :whistle:

Offline snowflakekim

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Re: Emotional rollercoaster
« Reply #5 on: April 27, 2017, 12:05:15 PM »
I can sympathise with that. Having cheese and wine in our kitchen was our most favourite thing to do!

Offline Julia

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Re: Emotional rollercoaster
« Reply #6 on: April 27, 2017, 08:55:11 PM »
Oh it's simply mind-boggling it's gone, isn't it?!  All efforts aside.. It's simply ridiculous that it's gone. I'm sorry we all have to go through this

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Emotional rollercoaster
« Reply #7 on: April 27, 2017, 09:01:42 PM »
So sad and such a rollercoaster journey, but how wonderful and valuable those memories are  :hearts:  xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Julia

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Re: Emotional rollercoaster
« Reply #8 on: April 27, 2017, 09:27:12 PM »
Very sad indeed  :cray:  it's tough that the lows of this rollercoaster are really low, long and scary, and the "highs"  are just...  Meh. Nothing spectacular. It's still a ride I suppose  :cray:

Offline Karena

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Re: Emotional rollercoaster
« Reply #9 on: May 05, 2017, 09:36:11 PM »
 :hug:but that's exactly how I did get through it.Imagining him laughing at me or telling me off for doing stupid  things.
One of our greatest jokes was me digging ponds.We had lots of land at our house and there was a natural dip which when we were creating the garden we couldn't think what else to do.So I bought a pond liner online but had severely overestimated the size.So I went out and started digging.He brought me a cup of tea and I was standing in a muddy hole with mud all over my face.so I got my second nickname from him of stig of the dump.( the first one being smurf ) next time he came out the little pond was a 4 metre pond because I didn't want to waste the liner.Within a couple of years it had been extended two more ponds and a stream.So when I had to move after he died the garden hadn't been touched for a decade but the first thing I did was clear brambles and nettles and build a pond.Another one was when we had to replace the heater matrix in the camper van.He put the old one on the kitchen windowsill and I kept telling him to throwvit out but thereviut stayed and I stubbornly said it wasn't my job to move it.Then I came home and there was a flower in the pipe,so I left him a note there and he replied and it just became a long standing joke.I still have it,and its on the kitchen windowsill here along with the used brake pads he never threw out the only expensive spinner dolphin hub cap that didnt fly off and get lost and the alternator that was the wrong size.All polished up and displayed.It looks totally bizarevto anyone who doesn't know but in my head its kept the joke alive.
I have also told him off when I discovered a shortcut that he must have known about but not told me.
and accused him of winding me up when the heater settings in the camper van mysteriously changed to heatcteet instead of window.That was another one.I,d be driving and he would be switching it to keep his feet warm while I couldn't see through the steamy windscreen so I,d open the window .

Its all silly things but its what we were about and who we were together.But I did think that I was crazy doing this stuff and that I was grieving wrongly I should be forgetting and moving on.Continuing bonds was a big weight off my shoulders because it gave me permission to do that and to actually not care if it makes me seem crazy.