Author Topic: Hi I'm new  (Read 2229 times)

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Offline cupcake18

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Hi I'm new
« on: April 23, 2017, 01:36:27 AM »
Hi, I lost my mum to cancer 20 months ago. I feel stupid for writing this now. I have never been on one of these forums before but tonight I feel overwhelmed by grief. I feel like I shouldn't be doing this all this time later but I just feel so so sad. I miss my mum so much and feel so sad she is not here. It feels like it is too long now for me to share these feelings with others as I feel that surely I should be OK by now.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Hi I'm new
« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2017, 09:07:25 AM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug:

Grief doesn't fully leave us, in time it becomes easier to cope and better days come between the bad, and we regain a new 'normal' but there will still be times/occasions when years down the line we feel the loss intensely from losing someone so valuable in our lives. Unfortunately only people who have also lost loved ones understand most of the time (on one of the other threads theres a diagram to  explain grief, where your life grows around the grief rather than the grief shrinking)

I found the 2nd year brought it's own challenges, so don't beat yourself up for the timing. For me the 2nd year was trying to adjust in some way, making sense of life - I did alot of reading, searching for answers.  It seemed to me the first year was just raw - the shock, pain etc,all the 'firsts', feeling bewildered, not recognising myself and my reactions. 
As long as you are moving forward on the grief journey and not getting stuck you're doing fine - its the right pace/timing for you  :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Julia

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Re: Hi I'm new
« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2017, 11:24:59 AM »
Sending you a welcome hug  :hug:
There is no limit to grief and it does terrify me to even get used to the idea that it will be part of me forever, but reading others stories in this forum give me some sort of comfort, that there is a way to make it a more comforting part of your new reality.
I personally most often try to fight sad thoughts away, but I just drain myself while doing that an d then I cry every night like a baby. I'm trying to accept every feeling I get and fight it a bit less, cause I don't think it's doing much good. If you feel like it's still all very raw 20 months later, don't punish yourself for that, just let yourself feel sad for as long as you need. Try accept every emotion, and some days you will also be able to let yourself enjoy things a bit more too.
My partner died in Feb when it was still cold and rainy outside and then a few weeks later the trees have started becoming greener, the flowers started blooming and I just dislike it so much, because I think it's too soon and it's not fair I cannot enjoy it with him.  When others tell me how much they like the spring weather and tell me it will get better when the sunshine is out there.. I just find it so offensive and painful, though I know they just mean good. Grief has no logical pattern and others are not meant to understand them anyway, but you are understood and supported here, so feel free to be as upset for as long as you need and talk about it, don't keep it in :hug: 
I am generally a closed person but I find myself writing long posts, just like this one  :whistle:  and it's somewhat helpful to let it out. You are clearly keeping too much to yourself, just shout it all out here :)
« Last Edit: April 27, 2017, 09:18:31 PM by Julia »

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Hi I'm new
« Reply #3 on: April 27, 2017, 08:59:45 PM »
I found that helped me too Julia, trying to accept the feeling and not fight it. Is hard to explain but sometimes its easier for me to notice and name the emotion, accept its there then give myself TLC, or just be kind to myself, and I often find it easier to deal with it. But there were also occasions it was too painful and I had to distract myself for a bit

Just try not to give yourself a hard time for feeling the various emotions.  Thats the one comfort I take from change - no emotion stays the same, in time there's change xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Julia

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Re: Hi I'm new
« Reply #4 on: April 27, 2017, 09:51:21 PM »
I agree Emz, it goes both ways, it's good to let yourself be sad, but we also need to kick ourselves now and then to distract ourselves, take a little break. I find evenings are the worst, that's when I can let it all out after trying to look fine at work throughout the day.
I don't have much energy to do research, but if somebody gave me an option to volunteer somewhere abroad and live in a little shed for free, I would go tomorrow. Sometimes it feels like focusing on other's pain would help make mine more insignificant, but here I am stuck complaining about my life :)
« Last Edit: April 27, 2017, 09:53:23 PM by Julia »

Offline Petal

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Re: Hi I'm new
« Reply #5 on: April 29, 2017, 04:05:03 PM »
Hi Cupcake, I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my Dad 20 months ago too, he had a sudden and unexpected heart attack and I know exactly how you feel. The feeling of loss is so strong. Just recently my emotions have been all over the place. At the beginning I was use to the tidal waves of grief, but then I felt I was managing to handle it, but the last few weeks have been horrible. Having found this site helps (not something I've ever done before) and I'm trying to give in to my grief when it comes rather than bottle it up. Hope you're feeling a bit better now. X  :hug:

Offline cupcake18

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Re: Hi I'm new
« Reply #6 on: May 05, 2017, 12:55:19 AM »
Thank you all for your lovely replies. It is nice to hear from others and how you are all coping. My friends and family have been an enormous support to me but there comes a time when you don't feel you can burden or worry then with your own pain and grief. Sometimes I feel OK but the that sense of loss will hit me and it feels as painful as ever. I miss my mum xxx