Author Topic: New persons problems 😥  (Read 2461 times)

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Offline Illeybing

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New persons problems 😥
« on: April 26, 2017, 06:20:30 PM »
Hi. I think I need to introduce myself. I feel like I am losing the plot a bit and don't know how people keep going feeling this way. I lost my mother unexpectedly this year in February.  My father left when I was young but I have a half brother who is younger than me but he has Congenital Myasthenia which is like a muscular dystrophy, so has had to deal with a lot in his life but I'm at a breaking point as I am having to deal with everything to do with mums death pretty much alone. I feel like if I wasn't here in her house everything would go to ruin, her beautiful garden would start dying and nothing would get done if it wasn't for me but I feel it's to the expense of my health. I literally feel so run down and have to be so strong that every few days I blow and get terrible panick attacks which scare me. I have been reading up on how to control them but I still feel so overwhelmed and I'm so frightened living his life and don't see how it's going to get better. I know people have lost loved ones for ever and ever so my loss is nothing new, however my mum was my love and we went through such a lot together and I can't believe there is no one above me now. I find it heartbreaking, as well as the circumstances in which she died where I now feel I have to make an enquiry as to the way she was dealt with by the doctor. Her 10 day hospital experience from admission to death was pretty horrific and I haven't even been able to start with dealing with that and putting in a complaint about the way we were treated when we could tell she was going to die but the doctors wouldn't confirm anything  and some staff were so unsympathetic and telling me to stop being so negative or trying to play god controlling who comes and sees my mother when she was so unable to breath due to her lungs filling with fluid and the rest of her body, that she would throw of flowers her clothes and would go to the toilet in the bed as she could only have nappies, and I was cleaning her along with my aunt, but I knew my mum wouldn't want people seeing her like that and the doctor told me I was trying to play god and control things when my mum was still clearly breathing. The whole thing was horrid I was in India and had a call to come home and she died after 10 days out of the blue. I have since found out that she visited the doctors a few times and they basically sent her away. Now I am left with everything to sort and have tried to keep my brother's involvement to a minimum because I don't want him to get sick and lose him as well, but I can't feel I can take anymore of what is now my life, and there's only so much a person can take. I am able to go out now but every few days I have these panic attacks which I'm dealing with, but since mum died there has been one thing to sort after another and everything comes down to me. I have auntie's and cousins around for me but they have their own lives and own problems and they don't live close. I feel like everyone has started to pick up their life apart from me and I feel jealous of that. And I know if it wasn't for me not working and sorting everything nothing would get done. I get less and less phone calls now from the family, and if I phone my cousin instead of phoning me back she texts what's up, and I'm paranoid I'll start getting on their nerves because they have all moved on a bit more than I have. I am terrified to work as I am so up and down, and I am trying to distract myself but I still can't watch the news or listen to music I find things too hard and bad things make me depressed. My friends don't live in the area of my mums and they say I can call, but I call and they're all happy and I'm embarrassed at the state I am in so I pretty much keep myself to myself. It scares me not earning money as I am self employed but I'm not ready to work. I have to clear out my mums house also so we can let it but no one really offers help with this. It's almost like I feel people want to be there for the good bits like maybe taking the odd thing they like but everything else is down to me. I have no boyfriend and no children which maybe is a blessing as in not coping but I think how would I ever attract someone in the future when I'm so unhappy? And how do people learn to live with this unhappiness within because I constantly feel diseased. I know no one can bring my mum back but I always had her there to turn to, and I'm struggling with moving forward now I have no one that really understands me. My brother doesn't like coming to the house and his girlfriend is of no help whatsoever and I'm starting to question why I am busting my calls to protect him when his life has pretty much continued as it was (but without my mum) and my own personal life has completely stopped. I feel so alone.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: New persons problems 😥
« Reply #1 on: April 26, 2017, 06:45:22 PM »
I'll start by sending a hug  :hug:
Losing our parents is overwhelming, and shakes our foundations.  There is so much to do at the beginning it can feel too much.  The main advice I can give is to stop trying to plan/think too far in advance.  Now is a time for breaking things down into chunks to tackle - no-one is super human and we cant do everything in addition to planning for every future eventuality.  So, perhaps make a master to do list so you can write down what you need to do - but then break those tasks down and only focus on one at a time

Give yourself permission to slow or rest sometimes - grieving is draining - emotionally and physically, and sometimes we need some TLC (think how you would respond to a friend who was in your position, and show yourself that same kindness)

And some days, just concentrate on one day at a time - we cant control the future and sometimes when its overwhelming we have to refocus on the present.  On especially bad days just take it hour by hour - achieve each hour, then tackle the next hour

Often it will not feel like it, and will think its impossible,  but it will get easier in time.  It wont be a 'lightbulb' change - you will find that gradually over time better days will appear between the bad.  During the journey we need to accept we will feel bad - it's painful and we need time to heal and cope better. xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: New persons problems 😥
« Reply #2 on: April 26, 2017, 07:44:49 PM »
I can almost hear the panic in your voice as you wrote that,it seems there are so many issues you are trying to deal with.Emz advice is sound try breaking it down into more manageable pieces.
Anxiety and panic attacks are a normal part of grief,but also you went from India back to this nightmare with no warning or inkling so there is an element of shock as well.As for the practical stuff then it could be that youvhave taken on a role and given the impression of coping and fooled people into thinking you are coping.So they don't offer help.perhaps you could give a little on that.Ring your Auntie or text your cousin back  and ask if she can help clearing the house.The worst that can happen is that she says no.Could doing that bring in rental that keeps your head above water so you can take time out or could working take the pressure off to clear the house,because it seems that if you act on one of those issues you can potentially give yourself breathing space before tackling the other.On the work side of it is there a way to get back into it gradually starting part time.Another option might be could you live in your mums house and rent yours,out that way you dont have to rush to clear her stuff and you are on site to care for the garden.I don't know if that's possible or even desirable but what I am trying to say here is that if you break things down take a deep breath and a different look you may find there are other options that you are not seeing just now.

Offline Illeybing

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Re: New persons problems 😥
« Reply #3 on: April 26, 2017, 10:09:10 PM »
Ok. Thank you both for taking the time to reply to me. I know you are right I guess I'm just trying to get this whole horrible process over and done with so I can try and move on with my life. I've always put pressure on myself to do everything but I think that's because my mum brought me up to be fiercely independent and know not to rely on anyone. I get what you're saying and it's nice to have an opinion other than what is circling around and around in my head. My heart was racing as I typed the message so I probably did come across as anxious 😞 It's just so hard. I will try and break things down more. I think my trouble also is if I stop I think and then I realise she has gone. X

Offline Julia

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Re: New persons problems 😥
« Reply #4 on: April 27, 2017, 06:09:21 AM »
Losing someone you love so suddenly and especially if it's the first loss in your life,  forces you to deal with emotions you haven't dealt with before, yet it feels like as an adult you should be in control, responsible, strong and rational. It takes time to learn how to go about this new feelings, and create support system around yourself that works. It sounds to me like you are isolating yourself at the moment and feeling upset that others don't approach you, I've been doing a lot of that since I suddenly lost my partner in February. It's almost easier to get upset and hurt with things and people around you, because then you don't focus on the real reason for this massive heartache. It's perhaps in a way a coping mechanism, so don't be scared to feel this way.

A few years ago when I was struggling to break off from the relationship I wasn't happy in, I went to a therapist that changed my life. I didn't want to talk for hours with a psychologist as I felt that would lead nowhere, so I was looking for something different. His style is combining simple meditation techniques, you just sit on the sofa and he talks you through a little meditation session to help you calm down,  and then you discuss the problem you are facing being in that calm state of mind. It does wonders. I email him recently asking to help, he now lives in the UK, but comes to the Netherlands every month. I thought I'll share a segment of what he responded to my feelings of helplessness, worthlessness, loss of confidence and the start of anxiety:

"The first and main things to know are you are not worthless and you are not helpless.
I know it really looks like that at the moment, but you're having trouble remembering these two things:

1. You have all the help you're ever going to need right inside you. Sure, others can be a lot of help, but when the rubber really hits the road, you can help yourself best.

2. All the self worth you're ever going to need is also inside you, right now. Again, it's covered over with feeling bad and ideas that you don't have it, but it's still there.

You're probably wondering what you need to do to access these things. Well, the strange thing is 'nothing special has to happen', these qualities are available now, but you're labouring under the impression that you need to look somewhere outside for them.

It's a very common behaviour, most of the world it looking for it's self worth outside, but it always comes from the inside."




Offline Illeybing

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Re: New persons problems 😥
« Reply #5 on: April 28, 2017, 09:11:53 AM »
What a wonderful response Julia! I like the idea of this it makes sense. I have started to focus on breathing as apparently its key to controlling panic attacks. I need to meditate. Are you in the Netherlands? I made a trip to Eindhoven with my brother there as he is ill. There seem to be a lot of good alternative  practitioners coming from the Netherlands. Can you private message me?   I am in the U.K. Xx
« Last Edit: April 28, 2017, 07:42:21 PM by Karena »

Offline Julia

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Re: New persons problems 😥
« Reply #6 on: May 01, 2017, 09:02:33 PM »
Sent you PM with his email address, I hope it helps :)

One friend of mine recommended app called "head space", I am still testing the first 10 sessions that are for free, but I know it helped my friend to deal with a burnout, and once again the magic seems to hide in simple breathing and mind relaxation exercises.
 
I think it's good to try different things that you think might help you cope, just try to go through your daily routine slightly differently. I sometimes purposely take a different route to get home, sometimes I serve my lonely dinner for myself in a nicer way, just to snap out of the bland, unexciting routine (like eating a sandwich on the sofa). I completely irrationally bought a very expensive bottle of wine and had some by myself, normally I would think it's not economical and a waste of good wine if I have to leave most of it for next time.  Nothing is really exciting, and it's a bit of a forced effort, but I find that those little things matter. Do something nice for yourself, even if it's ten minutes of breathing, and with time you'll have more good energy to deal with all those annoying problems  :hug: