Author Topic: New member  (Read 6859 times)

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Offline Fairclough60

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New member
« on: June 09, 2017, 09:08:14 PM »
 :candle:
Hello I lost my wife last year while on holiday abroad, it was so sudden. I never got the chance to say goodbye to her I am struggling with the loss. I have now been left with 2 teenage sons our lives have been turned upside down we are all devastated, I am lost and so lonely without her.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: New member
« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2017, 10:48:47 PM »
You will find others here who understand the journey, hope you find support here.  It's a rollercoaster, and at times best to concentrate on little steps  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline pennyking

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Re: New member
« Reply #2 on: June 11, 2017, 01:15:29 PM »
My heart goes out to you Andrew.  It's 6 and a half years since I lost my husband suddenly.   Trying to raise my sons without a dad is so hard while trying to deal with all of our grief.  BUK has certainly helped me along my journey.  Being  able to come on here and vent or rant made a massive difference. Knowing I wasn't completely alone in how I was feeling. Have you spoke to anyone about trying to get some counselling?  It's not for everyone I do admit but it can help you deal with your feelings. Sending hugs. X

Offline Fairclough60

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Re: New member
« Reply #3 on: June 11, 2017, 09:43:03 PM »
Hi my wife was diagnosed in a Bulgarian hospital with a ruptured thigh muscle and sent away with medication. she returned back to the hospital  the same night 15th August in agony, that was the last time I saw my wife alive...i was denied seeing her while she was in there.. she was too ill... by the time the consultants had decided to treat her it was too late the infection in her thigh had took hold she had celulitous and she died of septic shock on the 18th August.. she had been dead over an hour before they told me...shevdied on her own in a foreign county ..the next time I saw her was in the mortuary..i am struggling to come to terms with all this..my life is shattered and I have to make sure the boys lives carry on as "normal" as possible. Yes I am having bereavement counselling each week. During the inquest I was told If she had been in the uk she would be alive today I'm heartbroken so is the rest of the family. 



Offline Karena

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Re: New member
« Reply #4 on: June 12, 2017, 06:48:10 PM »
 :hug: so sad that you find yourself here.but sending you a warm welcome.This was also a lifesaving place for me when I lost my husband so I hope we can help you the way I was helped.I can't comment on diagnosis or treatment in Bulgaria but I lost a close friend in the UK and her husband and son were also left in a visitor room and not informed that she had died for over an hour.It shouldn't happen anywhere but sadly it does.

In any circumstances most of us here have  tortured ourselves with what ifs, The truth is none of us has forsight and none of us could have predicted the circumstances but it doesn't stop this foul journey called grief  making us torture ourselves.

Offline Fairclough60

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Re: New member
« Reply #5 on: June 12, 2017, 08:49:07 PM »
Hi yeah this time last year we were getting things ready to go on holiday. I've had a tough few weeks since the inquest everything seems to have gone wrong all at once, i thought i was making progress but  I'm now back at  rock bottom again it seems so hard to get out. I feel I've gone backwards I wake up crying again not done that for a while. I had councilling today she said it's normal reaction to feel like I do after a knock back it's part of the grieving progress you go in and out of it the boys are keeping me going thou which is a god send really.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: New member
« Reply #6 on: June 12, 2017, 08:55:24 PM »
The grieving process is like a rollercoaster, just when you think you have got the hang of it or have gotten used to the feeling something else comes along.  Concentrate on little steps, it can feel like one step forward, two steps back sometimes, but it's all little steps  :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Fairclough60

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Re: New member
« Reply #7 on: June 13, 2017, 07:28:36 PM »
 :candle: Yeah it is,  but I feel so lonely I have also lost my best friend, I don't have many people to talk too. Why do people leave you alone after about a month then ask are you ok after few weeks later thinking you are going to over it!! There have only been 2 or 3 friends who have seen me most weeks since my wife died  they have seen how difficult all this has been i sure I've been hardwork and i know i have upset some of them when ive been really down but they are still there, everyone else including old friends ive known for years have gone away.
« Last Edit: June 22, 2017, 11:10:56 AM by Dave Administrator »

Offline Karena

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Re: New member
« Reply #8 on: June 13, 2017, 08:34:50 PM »
Sadly it happens all too often with friends,some will drift back , some genuinly believe you want time out others that everything goes back to normal after the funeral.A couple will persist.
Sometimes we do it ourselves by turning down offers of help and saying I,m fine when you really arnt. I was very bad at that,thinking I would be a burden i would upset them and cutting myself off.The thing is though if you turn things on their head you can start to think differently.If it was you , and a friend was in your position you would want to help,you wouldn't think of them as a burden.Friendship is about giving love and love is a gift,if someone refuses a gift your feelings are hurt.I,m not saying you are doing that or that I was aware that I was doing it but perhaps subconsciously I was.

Offline Fairclough60

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Re: New member
« Reply #9 on: June 13, 2017, 08:59:46 PM »
Yeah see what you mean, but people always say ring me if you need anything, then that becomes awkward for me because I don't really know what I want or need at the time and then end up not doing anything. I know its hard for people to understand how i feel, but I usually get that I'm depressed when really I'm grieving my wife. I have good days and very bad days at the moment. ive still not come to terms with how fast it all happened and how bad we were treated, It just seemed so surreal at the time I was walking around in shock.i still think I'm finding it hard to accept at the moment and just want to talk to friends rather than text them it's company I need at the moment I don't turn anyone away when they want to see me. I hope I'm making sense.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: New member
« Reply #10 on: June 13, 2017, 09:37:22 PM »
You are making sense  :hearts:
Unfortunately people often drift away after the funeral, they dont mean to, they just cant comprehend the pain and emotions if they havent lost someone in their life
It's a slow journey, but it will get easier, and we are here for you to help support xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Fairclough60

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Re: New member
« Reply #11 on: June 17, 2017, 11:01:52 PM »
Feeling down today, got results back from the MRI scan yesterday, got 1 bulging disc and 1disc pushing against the spine which is causing a trap nerve down the left  leg resulting in 30% loss in movement of left foot, been referred to a spinal surgeon to go through some options. All this on top of trying fo greive for my wife, it's 10 months since Liz passed away it's going to be another  difficult day. Plus it's fathers day it  won't be the same as Liz always made sure the boys got stuff and made sure they Made a fuss over me. I have also had to go on fluoxetine to help relax me after all the stress over the past few months and a nerve tablet to try and help the nerve, I don't feel that well at the moment taking them, around my back to me feet is hot,  I have gone off my food and feel so tired as well , just feel like my life has fallen apart can't see the way out of it all. Sorry for rambling on.

Offline Karena

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Re: New member
« Reply #12 on: June 18, 2017, 09:02:14 PM »
Don't ever apologise for rambling here,we all do it,ramblings good I used to find actually writing what I was feeling helped because in writing and making sentences to make it readable helped make sense of what that was.Grief is tiring really tiring,and depression is also something that is part of grieving.Add to that two teenage boys and your physical injury you're doing well to even get out of bed.I know what you mean about ringing someone,not knowing what it is you want,.My friends lived too far away to just suggest a coffee or anything like that,then I made a couple of disastrous attempt to " join" things locally but I realised I was doing it because people said I should not because I was interested,I,be never been a joiner so why would I start now.But I did learn to do stuff by myself so I don't mind too much now being on my own most of the time.Sometimes people on here have day meets in relatively local areas,so maybe one will come up near you.They're mostly fun but I can promise you no one will mind if you cry,I havnt been to one yet where there hasn't been both.Meanwhile keep talking too us.Even every day chat can make you feel less isolated,we have a section for that too.

Offline Fairclough60

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Re: New member
« Reply #13 on: June 18, 2017, 10:32:49 PM »
Yeah it's good to talk..i keep getting told to join clubs but don't know what to join. I joined the ramblers because I like walking but since I got the back trouble can't go. I don't know were to find any groups who meet for up over a coffee I could join. Yeah i will be looking out for meetings it will be good to talk to people in similar situations ..ill,keep posting but sometimes i dont know what to say i just feel empty and lonely...Am I posting these in the wrong area then

Offline Karena

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Re: New member
« Reply #14 on: June 19, 2017, 07:28:37 PM »
No not at all,its just that everyday chat is more lighthearted sometimes.what we did at work what we cooked for tea,what the kids are doing,often mundane stuff but the kind of thing that you would perhaps have shared with the person you lost part of the missing is sharing those little things with someone and its never the same of course but it does help I find,even though is online its part of the real friendship that develops over time.Sometimes when you don't know what to say,that's just what you need.
I,m probably not the best person to ask about clubs,my attempts were the WI,and amateur dramatics neither of which were that appealing but I live in a village and there's not a lot of choice.This has happened before to me and last time round I had more choices and buried myself in education at the local FE college.The great thing is everyone is there for the course so there is a definite reason for being there and you instantly have that in common,but naturally chat at breaks maybe go for a drink after etc.How about photography for example,you can ramble much more slowly still be outdoors in nature and actually at a slower pace than most ramblers go you see more.could just be in the garden or the local park.I,m still an education addict but restricted by distance I do online courses.Future learn do free ones that don't require lots of time or last too long.Much of it is based on interacting online with other students,its something to focus on,and being free you can pick several subjects as tasters which then leads to doing a "proper" course if you hit on a subject you really enjoy.