Author Topic: Dad  (Read 4357 times)

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Offline Lyn Taylor

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Dad
« on: December 14, 2017, 02:39:51 PM »
Hi

My name is Lyn and my dad passed away on the 6th December. Dad was my world and I am struggling to cope with all the heartbreak and  devastation. I am on my own with very little support. My surviving mother,  I am estranged from due to how she treated me and my dad. I have a brother who lives in London and who visited my mum and dad about 3 times a year, he came up when my dad was taken ill about 3 weeks ago with his partner and from the day he arrived he
 has refused any communication with me. Refuses to allow me in the family home (he is staying with my mum) and organised my dad's funeral which is next week behind my back witholding all information. I am bewildered that he and my mother have done this to me because my dad would be heartbroken. I was dad's caregiver for over 15 years and we were so close. Any advice would be really appreciated

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Dad
« Reply #1 on: December 15, 2017, 06:00:18 AM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug:
So sorry to hear about what has been happening :-( it's hard enough losing our loved one without that aswell.  Unfortunately grief and the heightened emotions can make people act in various ways and is often a time families fall apart.  I know my relationship with my wider family certainly changed, I was surprised as I had thought we were a close knit family
Xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Lyn Taylor

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Re: Dad
« Reply #2 on: December 15, 2017, 09:38:28 AM »
Thank you for welcoming me and and replying. I feel so alone in this world at the moment and just trying to function and deal with my own emotions. I pleaded with them to pull together for dad but they still refused to communicate. I am dreading the funeral and having to face them. Dad and I were so very close, he was my best friend, my protector and my guiding light and I feel so helpless. I feel for everyone on here who has experienced this life changing loss and I want to move out of this anger I feel so I can grieve for my dad, I welcome any advice of what I can expect during the grieving stage as I am so scared of what I am going through xx

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Dad
« Reply #3 on: December 15, 2017, 07:57:07 PM »
Grief is a bit of a rollercoaster, there are lots of emotions and they dont necessarily work through in an orderly fashion either.  Anger is a normal part of grief. Although we all have an individual journey personal to us, you will always find someone here who has been through similar or the same emotion.  It does help to know you're not alone on this journey, no matter how lonely it feels at times

Be gentle with yourself, it is best to take it one day at a time right now xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Lyn Taylor

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Re: Dad
« Reply #4 on: December 16, 2017, 08:47:33 AM »
My heart goes out to everyone who is going through this. It's early days for me still. My dad's funeral is next Tuesday. I am walking round like a zombie with no sense of reality. Days and nights just seem to merge together and every hour seems to drag on forever. I feel like I am bobbing along out at sea with no purpose. All I cling to is knowing that my dad is at peace xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Dad
« Reply #5 on: December 16, 2017, 01:33:56 PM »
 :hug: family rifts can be awful.I recently went too a funeral where there were separate wakes,although they did manage to get through the funeral service itself without open battle.Do you have a friend who would go with you just to be there for you.Also,I think maybe you could create your own tribute too him later without their involvement Something meaningful to you.Maybe a small garden area or plant a tree or create a memory box.There are a lot of things  you could do like those and maybe focussing on something personal too you might help take the edge off the feeling of being outcast from making funeral arrangements.

Offline Lyn Taylor

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Re: Dad
« Reply #6 on: December 16, 2017, 05:14:04 PM »
Hi Karena thank you for your reply, I do have a couple of close friends who will be there with me for support. I am not attending the wake after as I couldn't face my brother or mother as would not trust myself not to say something and the day is about dad! I have thought of what you say about creating my own memory of dad after the funeral when I have hopefully got to grip with some of these emotions that just engulf me. Managed to go out the house today, first time since dad passed! I went to the hairdressers as my hair was a mess and I was dreading it because of all the Christmas conversations but I actually found comfort in the normalness of it all and a belief that life does go on xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Dad
« Reply #7 on: December 17, 2017, 12:45:38 PM »
 :hug: My friend at the funeral I mentioned and her daughter,neighbour and a handful of friends had a meal and a few drinks at a pub in the next village while the wake was underway.For a funeral it was nice because we were remembering her husband who was also our friend , gently and with love talking about our times with them as a couple.I heard the official wake involved further in fighting and fall outs.I,m pretty sure I know,if given the choice which event was more about him and had more respect for him.No matter what they do or say they cannot take away your memory's of him because that was your relationship with him . theirs was different.

Offline Lyn Taylor

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Re: Dad
« Reply #8 on: December 17, 2017, 01:05:58 PM »
Karena you are such a compassionate thoughtful person, I can tell by your choice of words. I thank you for that and my wonderful dad would so appreciate your words of comfort to me. Life can feel so cruel but being blessed by unconditional love like dad and I had keeps us going through all the heartbreak that grief brings forth. It does make us stronger and it is so important to surround ourselves with kind people. I spent too much of my life caring about people who didn't care about me and it took dad's passing for the realisation to hit home.  Even in passing my dad gave me this wisdom and strength to now change my world xx

Offline Lyn Taylor

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Re: Dad
« Reply #9 on: December 17, 2017, 01:14:04 PM »
Why is it than in our darkest times it is the kindness from strangers that bring us the most comfort of all?

Offline Karena

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Re: Dad
« Reply #10 on: December 18, 2017, 03:00:31 PM »
 :hug:
I came here after losing my husband,and found the same,and that new friends emerged as others faded away.The lady i mention was one of those few who stepped up, but friendships from here also spill out into the "real"world, It is first and foremost a bereavement site and i remeber feeling confused on seeing laughing emojies here, i certainly never imagined i would use it,but i do sometimes,because as well as our grief just having somewhere to share our thoughts and everyday chats also helps.
People in our daily lives dont mean to hurt us but often just dont know how to deal with our grief or understand it.
 I know that you will take that wisdom and compassion your dad gave to you and keep it close in your heart,and in that way you will never leave him behind but take him forward with you. Tomorow will be a hard day and i am glad you have people to stand by your side through it.I Will be thinking of you.

Offline Lyn Taylor

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Re: Dad
« Reply #11 on: December 18, 2017, 03:56:28 PM »
Thank you for sharing with me. Tomorrow will be the hardest day of my life, one I don't want to face but know I have to. I want to remain focussed on my dad's life not this pain and hope I see it through with dignity and grace as my dad did whilst he was slipping away xx

Offline Lyn Taylor

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Re: Dad
« Reply #12 on: December 21, 2017, 10:37:46 AM »
My dad's funeral came and went in a blur, it was a nice service but the strangest feeling of all was I could not feel dad's presence, he simply was not there if that makes sense? I wonder if this was down to the infighting of my mother and brother and the fact it would all have really upset him. Day after the funeral and I just feel numb and sad again. I have had 3 weeks off work and have to start thinking soon of going back and I literally cannot face it. I work in a call centre talking to the public all day and I have no idea how I can deal with it xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Dad
« Reply #13 on: December 21, 2017, 11:40:41 PM »
 :hug:.I think we somehow think we will feel better after the funeral but rarely do.My friend said the same about her husband and which wake he would be at but also  our group all agreed the funeral didn't seem to be about him and more about the ones who arranged it. Partly because they picked a church he never went in a priest who never met him and there was a lot of religious stuff he didn't believe in,but also that it was about someone we didn't recognise.Given all that,I think maybe he wasn't there but sat in the pub waiting for us to join him there.
Going back to work is often one of those issues that can be worse in the anticipation than the event,..It can be a distraction and at least adds some structure too the day.One thing some people here have done is negotiated a phased return so you get back into it gradually.

Offline Lyn Taylor

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Re: Dad
« Reply #14 on: December 22, 2017, 07:30:28 PM »
As hard as this is our loved ones would want us to carry on and find some joy and happiness. That was their gift to us as and we have to fight hard to honour that. I try each day to smile so my dad knows I am trying. He didn't die to see me suffer. He had come to the end of his life but would want mine to carry on and grief will not define me or him, I watched him fight a brave battle as he took his last breath but I am still breathing and I breathe through him and with him to continue my journey and our journey as that is what he would have wanted. It's a lonely journey but I know dad is with me and that's all that really matters