Author Topic: New to this  (Read 2278 times)

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Offline Sandra61

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New to this
« on: October 19, 2018, 02:24:35 AM »
Hello Everyone!
Just joined this group last night and am already really humbled by reading all your many stories and posts. My mum died about this time last year and like many of you, I'm still dealing with the fall-out with no end in sight as yet. Still haven't ironed out all the practical problems, and have found this really hard to try to cope with whilst also trying to come to terms with the loss and the grief and carrying on with everyday life and form-filling, worrying about IHT etc etc etc. It's been a long and lonely, soul destroying year. I've found I have to make a heroic effort to carry on with everyday tasks sometimes. Some days I forget to eat or drink and some days couldn't be bothered to get dressed unless I had to go out. I have had to accept that I am pretty much on my own with everything. I have a sibling, but that hasn't helped very much. I seem to be left to deal with everything myself, so have just had to accept that. I did find myself initially sinking further and further into misery and despair in the early months, and soon realised I would have to do something about that if I were to prevent the onset of a deep depression, so I made myself look for a new interest that would take me out of the house and out of myself. I returned to an old interest in the end that I briefly took up 33 years ago, only to drop it again when my dad died. As well as the grief I felt then, that visited new responsibilities on me and I became my mum's carer as she had a heart condition and suffered symptoms from that, which necessitated many hospital appointments and tests over the years. In the end, although she made it to 96, she died due to a lack of knowledge on the part of the doctors that mixing certain medications she was on could cause a massive bleed on the brain, which was what happened. She had damaged her knee and was told it was safe to take paracetamol on an on-going basis for the pain whilst also being on warfarin. It turned out this was not safe and led to a nightmare six weeks that ended in her death. Anyway, taking my inspiration from her, I took up ballroom dancing again and am so very glad I did. It needed courage to go on my own, but I made myself do it and now look forward to the nights when I go. Mum always loved life and had loved dancing too in her younger days, when she had enough breath to be able to do it. She always wanted to live for as long as she possibly could and did just that! She never stopped making plans or looking to the future. Her friends,all of whom she outlived, referred to her as a Peter Pan as she never seemed old or lost interest in life. Her nickname was Smiler, as she was always smiling! She had a lovely smile. Anyway, I felt she would have enjoyed going dancing with me if she could, so I decided to give it a go and on the nights I am there, I find I can forget all my troubles for a while and come home with a smile on my face too, so thank God I found that! It was a bad night last night however. I couldn't sleep and instead got up and went on-line and found this website. I was down today, but I hope for a better day tomorrow and finding somewhere where there are so many other people going through similar problems and emotions has really helped, so thank you to all those who post on this website. It's a help to know others are struggling too. Best wishes to everyone! Try to stay positive. xxx

Offline Karena

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Re: New to this
« Reply #1 on: October 19, 2018, 12:14:26 PM »
Hi thankyou for your post i am sure it will help others here.
I found this site after my husband died and like you on a night filled with desparation -and i did find writing here - just the act of writing itself helped, but also the answers  from others and recognising that i was not so alone afterall,  that when i thought i was going mad others had felt the same and i wasnt - and so we share the the journey and those at the front reach back to help the others along, and because of the nature of the journey it isnt always the same people at the front - they fall back and the ones behind catch them - its pretty unique i cant think of a real world situation where that happens.

Your mum sounds a really lovely person full of character and i think going to the dancing, doing something she would have loved to do is a good way of carrying her forward with you in a positive way - rather than being overwhelmed with the negativity, not just of missing her but as you say yourself the paperwork and turmoil surrounding their loss.
I decided to revisit places we had loved -even though it hurt and created some obstacles that had to be got round or over, because i decided losing him was bad enough - why make things even worse by losing all those things too, but also did some of the things we wanted to do and didnt get the chance, and even a couple he would have loved to do and i would have sat out on, but when i am doing those things i feel closer too him - as though i will continue by being his eyes on the world.
 
My mum died a few years before that and as she loved to watch the wild birds when she was ill, we had set it up so she could watch them on the feeders etc from the window. After she died they then became part of a little corner of our garden-where i could go to remember her - to have a chat with her or just to relax, and through doing that, even after her death,  she ignited a passion in me for all wildlife and for garden design and land management and building to help wildife, and so that became her legacy which i take forward with me and hope i am passing forward to future generations - on one level to my grandchildren and on another As I was always passionate about Africa - and she was a teacher, i became involved in permaculture and a school gardens project in Africa.
We never really lose them because they will always be a part of us -but the pain and distress means it often takes a long time to see that and to recognise that although our lives will never be the same and we will always miss their physical presence we can go  forward a step at a time and take them with us - just in a different way.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: New to this
« Reply #2 on: October 19, 2018, 01:41:36 PM »
Hi Karena,

Thanks so much for your kind words. Like you, I also revisited places Mum loved to go. She used to love going out for the day to the seaside and I have been back to a couple of places she loved since and although it felt strange to be going without her, I think she may have come along in spirit. I hope so anyway. She loved the fresh air and the way the sun glitters on the water, so I think of her whenever I am by the sea.

Anyway it's a lovely day today, all blue sky and sunshine here, and I do feel a bit better. Slept better last night, which helped. I think, having finally finished and sent off all the IHT and probate forms and so with the worry of having to complete them now off my shoulders, perhaps the grief is rolling back in again. I certainly seem to be back to feeling the tears just below the surface again and leaking out rather easily this last few days. I read in someone else's post that it felt like waves to them, sometimes receding, then rolling back over them again. I think I agree with that.

I find the whole IHT process rather frightening and am not sure what the consequences of that may be until I hear back from them, so am rather dreading that. I didn't expect to switch worries about Mum's health for worries about getting mugged by the taxman, but that seems to be how it is. I can't think of a crueller tax. You are at the lowest ebb you could ever get to and then you are asked to complete long complicated forms and have money worries imposed on you on top of everything else you are going through!

Anyway, enough of my moaning! Have a lovely day, Karena! I intend to try to! Dancing tonight!

Best wishes! Sandra

Offline Emz2014

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Re: New to this
« Reply #3 on: October 19, 2018, 02:19:35 PM »
Lovely to hear about the dancing - its so important to find something like that to help give us a brief respite and hope  :hearts:  I carry my dads memory with me and I still do things which will make him proud, or something he would have done and it brings me alot of comfort   :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: New to this
« Reply #4 on: October 22, 2018, 11:47:42 AM »
It is all a nightmare - i had all sorts of problems with my husbands bank - deciding they needed him to close his account himself  - despite being sent 3 death certificates on 3 occasions, and then when they finally accepted it ( my stepson taking the ashes in to the branch helped) - because they had continued to pay his direct debits out  they thought i should pay them  the amount they had overdrawn it by.
As the recipients had also been notified i told them it was entirely up to them to retireve the money from those accounts - as clearly i had no authority to do so - and that i wasnt paying for their mistakes  -so  take me to court - they didnt, - i never heard another word - but the point is you are right we shouldnt have to deal with this kind of stuff when we are at our lowest.

The sea is definitely my place too - its a shame i live just about as far as is possible too from it. :rolleyes:

 But there is this place in Wales we used to go Dolphin watching - we were going to retire there to a caravan - that wont happen now sadly  - but i do go back when i can.
I once felt some-one was standing right behind me to the point i felt warmth off them when a dolphin came in to the harbour, part of me darnt turn round for ages knowing he wouldnt be physically there, - but at the same time - i needed to know why i felt so comfortable with this - when potentially it could be a stranger as there had been a group of people standing there watching -When i did turn they had all moved off and there wasnt a living soul anywhere near me.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: New to this
« Reply #5 on: October 22, 2018, 10:53:40 PM »
That sounds like a very special experience Karena. It must have been very comforting to feel your loved one so close to you at such a special moment.

Sorry to hear about the horrible experience with the bank. I didn't have too many problems with the bank thank goodness, but really found the whole IHT form- filling process a nightmare. It took me months to get through all that. I don't think it's healthy to have to concentrate on all that when you are grieving. I was told I needed to bag up all her clothes in black sacks and weigh them for rag value and put that down on the form! I thought they were joking, but they weren't! How utterly insensitive can they get?

I had a week in April, some six or seven months after my mum died when I felt in a complete state of panic about it all and couldn't think what to do for the best. Tried to decide whether it might be best to move or stay put,  then realised I couldn't sell anyway before the probate comes through, then wondered if I wanted to move or not and if I didn't where I was going to find the money to pay the IHT. I think that was my worst week. I just felt utterly alone and worried to death about it all! I'm still waiting for the response from HMRC and will have to decide then what to do for the best, but feeling in less of a panic about it now, though not sure if that is right or wrong. I suppose this could just be the calm before another storm, but trying not to worry too much about it anyway.

It was months before I could bring myself to strip my mum's bed. Doing that seemed too final an act and I haven't started sorting out her clothes much yet either. I don't want to have to do all that before I feel ready, so do worry in case I have to sell up to find the money to pay the tax with. You expect the loss of a loved one to tear you apart emotionally, but not for your whole way of life to be put under threat as well. It's such a huge additional stress right when you don't need it.

So hard to keep positive and keep trying to cope with everything.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: New to this
« Reply #6 on: October 23, 2018, 08:02:58 AM »
Its such a horrid tax, and not a pleasant process. My dad rented his cottage, the owners were kind but had to empty the cottage within 2 months. That was hard. It took a while for me to be able to separate belongings from my dad - apart from special items that had more meaning, the items were not my dad. That helped me mentally.

For the clothes, if you are forced to go faster than you want you could maybe get some vacuum bags so you could effectively put them in storage for a while (I still have a vacuum bag of my favourites from dads tshirts , I haven't decided what to do with them yet)

Try and take it one step at a time, conserve your energy for when the next step happens  :hearts:
Sending you a big hug  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: New to this
« Reply #7 on: October 23, 2018, 11:07:25 AM »
Weighing clothes - that is beyond ridiculous the weight of clothes in no way reflects their value - it might weigh a stone and be from primark or a pound and be from Harrods and the Harrods one would still be worth more.It is really unfair to burden people with this, it wasnt designed originally for people who cant afford the legal help to wade through the quigmire , but house prices have gone up higher than the threshold has, so it all falls on us now.

I agree with Emzs store the clothes until you are ready to decide what to do with them dont be pushed into making snap decisions.If you dont have to make the choice to sell then stick with it a bit longer until you feel stronger and can decide about moving or not for your own reasons.

If you do have to sell then try and think of moving as a step forward,maybe to somewhere you will be closer to more amenitys, which has more of a commmunity, a house thats more affordable to heat and maintain, has a nice outlook etc.

I had to move - ours was rented and i couldnt afford to keep paying it on my own - and i didnt have much choice about where to go -so nearer to work it was  - I immediately set about re- creating the garden - a smaller version of the old one which kept me busy for a long time and softened the blow. Hung his dressing gown on the back of the door - its still kept there - 

I loved that old house and really missed it - and the tiny community it was in.
At the time and for a long time after, if  i had been given the opportunity to go back i would have grabbed it,  but now i realise it would have been a massive mistake - in 2010 it was cut off by snow for 7 weeks and i had a four mile walk to work and back across the fields in the dark coming back  - i can easilly forget how bad that was, because we do sometimes look only through rose coloured glasses -  i think of it as a time when i would see the light of his torch coming down the road, hear the dog running to meet me, the fire was lit, tea was on  and i was coddled  - but later it would have just been the bad stuff a cold dangerous exhausting trek and no welcome at the end.
I know that we associte houses with happy memorys but we can take those memorys with us - sometimes in the contents that we take and sometimes in our hearts and heads and the way we live in the new house.

I will move again, it isnt practical to stay here beyond being handy for work either, - but now,while i have the stopgap, i am biding my time looking at what i dont want and through that discovering what i do, but knowing that once again i will take lost loved ones with me - and also because i have never chosen before for myself starting to think about what is right for me, so a bit of an adventure which i am now strong enough to take on perhaps.

But as Emz says, take this pause in proceedings to gather your strength, because worrying about the next step wont change the outcome, but being stronger will change how you cope with it. :hug:
 

Offline Sandra61

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Re: New to this
« Reply #8 on: October 24, 2018, 02:01:08 AM »
Thanks, Emz and Karena for your advice and encouragement. I suppose I'm just a bit surprised by the degree of fall-out from an event like this. You expect the emotional upset and the shock of someone not being there anymore, even though it's so much greater than you might have imagined before it happened, but you don't expect the effects to ripple out into every corner of your daily life and make waves! Ah well, it is what it is and the trick, it seems, is not to go under when the waves roll in. I suppose you just have to do what you can to stay afloat and keep on keeping on.

Offline Karena

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Re: New to this
« Reply #9 on: October 24, 2018, 10:10:29 AM »
 :hug: yes you do - but the time will come when you reach the shore, and when you have rested and pinned down your true position you can think much more clearly about which direction to take from there.