Author Topic: Still stricken by grief, and changed because of it.  (Read 2948 times)

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Offline Ncooper910

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Still stricken by grief, and changed because of it.
« on: July 17, 2017, 03:16:14 PM »
Recently I'm needing the space to clear my head of thoughts and feelings, sorrow and grief are mainly what fills my mind. I should be remembering all the wonderful moments and memories that you filled my life with instead my memory is obscured by last events, these images haunt me.
I find everyday that I think of you, it may not be a memory as such just a thought or your name, during the day when my mind is busy and your name appears it's usually when I'm more able to remember the good times. Night time however is when my mind decides to bring back last events, images permanently engrained in my brain, scenes replay, the mind wanders divulges into regrets to further twist the knife into my already fragile heart, unable to fully repair from the loss of you.
I feel like as I'm writing this that I'm talking about these images but I have yet to explain what these are I think I am unsure on whether to open up to that yet or if these images will only become worse if they are allowed to be put on to paper...I'm still toiling with this.
Something that I suddenly realised a while ago was how quickly you forget a voice if it has not been heard...when I realised that I could no longer remember your voice my memories didn't have sound anymore like an old movie, moving pictures but silent, it became more real that you truly were gone . I didn't want to believe you were gone I had to try and remember your voice...your voice...your answering machine. I rang it i had to remember what you sounded like, even though it was more than a year after you left us the message was still there and there was your voice I thought it would have been comforting to hear you again but it wasn't, even though I couldn't remember your voice the message on the machine didn't sound like I had thought you sounded. I still call to listen and each time no void is filled, no memory has sound, and grief is still within me.
Grief, is it something you ever get over? I don't even know if it's something I've ever allowed myself to do properly, if there even is a proper way, there are times where I feel so consumed by it that I think I need help and other times where I'm effected very little by it. I can speak your name in a conversation and talk about you freely, but at night the thought of your name sends tears rolling down my cheeks, I don't know if this is normal or if it will ever end, I suppose when you love someone it's hard to let go and to be honest I don't want to let these thoughts go it reminds me that you were real. 

I wrote this a year ago one night while I was at my lowest, it's about my Auntie she passed away from lung cancer 2 years ago and it's effected me so much. We knew it was coming but actually sitting there in the hospital room seeing her die in front of my eyes has changed me...I'm not the person I once was. My cousin who's mum it was seems to be getting on with life she never really cried not that I saw and it made me feel as though I couldn't, no not couldn't but shouldn't grieve not if she who's mum it was seemed to be okay. So I bottled it up and one night that paragraph above came out. The image that I'm talking about that is ingrained in my brain is seeing my auntie at the funeral home I can't go into how that makes me feel as it still feels raw and I should have never gone to see her one last time as now I struggle to remember the good times instead now all I remember is that image.

I used to call her voicemail all the time to hear her voice but the phone line has been cut now for so long but when that happened I went cold I instantly couldn't remember her voice I play over different voices in my head but nothing fits I can't even place her laugh to a memory nothing it's gone and that scared me had I forgotten a bit of her and now it's never coming back.

I just needed somewhere to vent this out any comments would help but I feel like I'm lost there's no help for me out there and I'm now forever this person I don't want to be because of this huge life event that can never be changed.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Still stricken by grief, and changed because of it.
« Reply #1 on: July 17, 2017, 09:53:37 PM »
Sending a hug  :hug:
I too forgot my loved ones voices - it panicked me, thinking I'd lost another part of them but in time I could remember the voice again.
I dont think we 'get over' grief, I think we learn to cope, live with it and build up our lives around it xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Still stricken by grief, and changed because of it.
« Reply #2 on: July 18, 2017, 10:23:13 PM »
I think people have different experiences of funeral homes and viewing the person they lost.Some see them as being at peace and take comfort from that.
 What I saw with some one I lost was emptiness a body with no soul,A heavy metal fan,guitarist with green eyes and a cheeky smile,now in a pale blue silk lined box wearing a suit because those wernt my decisions to make .What I saw was not him,because none of it was about him.Like you that picture haunted my nights,I was afraid to sleep,I didn't go to bed but stayed in the chair until sleep dragged me in kicking and screaming then showed me that picture.But there were other pictures,the real pictures,the cheeky smile,the rock t shirts,the guitar,the joiner with a pencil being his ear,the guy who rescued the scruffiest ugliest dog in the world and brought it home,who played with my kids,helped them with their homework,brought me bluebells.told daft jokes. So I collected those pictures and in my mind put each one onto a card.So I had a pack of cards and only one of them was bad.When sleep out the bad card in front of me I threw it out and replaced it with one of the good ones.Over and over again,until eventually I knew the good ones much better,spent much more time with them,knew all the details,but the bad one faded,it wasn't him,it had never been him and so I didn't look at for the length of time I did the others. It was weaker than the others so it faded to blank and one night I threw it down and it didn't come back.Sure I could bring it to mind but it never got there on its own any more.
You could try that as I did purely with pictures in my mind,or if you have a photo of a good memory,of how she was in life.Put it next to the bed and every time the bad picture turns up switch the light on and look at the photo,rather than allow that upsetting image to stay.

Offline Hubby

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Re: Still stricken by grief, and changed because of it.
« Reply #3 on: July 28, 2017, 10:48:12 PM »
I read once that some people have to have brain surgery while they are still awake. Some have reported that while the procedure is being carried out they have vivid memories as if they were actually there. They even remember smells and tastes. I think that shows that we never really forget. Our memories are all hard wired in there we just can't access them for some reason.

We haven't forgotten we just have trouble remembering.