New anxious member

[Gingey]

Hi there, I am new
This is something I would not usually do, share feelings and reach out
My husband died just a year ago last week, and due to his illness was unable to communicate with me for 6 weeks from diagnosis to passing.
It has been dreadfully hard, I miss him so much. We did almost everything together and I find the lonlieness and of it all so difficult. I miss his presence, the hugs, companionship and all . We were together over 40 years. No more chatting about just stuff, time out or cinema or weekends away and I find I am feeling extremely anxious about being on my own. I have family but they live away and although I have done some things with my sister, theatre etc it just doesnt feel right. I now hate weekends as friends and family have their own plans.I dont sleep much and feel on edge almost all the time. How do others cope?

[Hubby]

Hi gingey. I'm sorry to hear if the loss of your husband 

I wish I could offer you advice but I feel the same way following the loss of my wife 16 months ago. Most weekends are a complete write off and my social life is practically zero. I know I could do more to improve things but motivation is lacking. Even when I do manage to get out it doesn't feel right as you say. I'm hoping it gets easier.

 

[Gingey]

Hi hubby, thanks for saying you feel much the same. I have same issue with motivation, plenty to keep me occupied in garden, feel I should be out weeding etc. Its not just weekends I find tough its most days and evenings too
As you say hope it becomes a bit easier 

[Karena]

It does get better but it takes a while,and the expectation others often have that after a year it will suddenly be OK again is often something we also thought,but discover when it happens that it really is built on a false premise.
My personal take on it is we don't stop missing them ever,but gradually learn to live with them alongside us in a very different way.
Another thing people say is you should get out,socialise,join this and that which is fine if you are a person who does that.Personally I wasn't before my husband died, and that  sometimes felt like extra pressure as if we dont have enough to contend with,to be asked to behave in a way which isn't natural for us.I did try and join a couple of things locally,but it didn't work out, mainly because they were alien too me and didnt spark any real interest.
I do work so that kills time,and I did keep going camping with a group of really good friends we were friends with as a couple but unlike with a lot of things,you didn't need to be a couple they were always a mixed bunch.Its not day to day,but 6 weekends or so a year,but it helps to have them to look forward too.I,ve met up with groups from this forum too,and had a lovely time.I have also got used to travelling alone now and am comfortable with that.

For me the garden is a really good place to not feel alone because there is always something going on,and that has deepened my love of wild life.Doing the weeding isnt exactly exciting but it gets me out there.
As I had to move my incentive was to re create the garden we had both loved,I think in a way even though he was no longer physically here,he was and still is my motivation,doing stuff we loved to do together,and some of the things we wanted to do but didn't manage too.
What I,m trying to say here is nothing is easy,but to be motivated I think it needs to be something we want,not something we do just because we are widowed if that makes sense.Having said all that I have just got back from one of those trips,and still felt the sinking stomach and dread of the empty house but its much les intense and more shortlived  than it used to be.

[Gingey]

Thanks Karena for insight and sharing
May I ask when your husband passed? Some people say its early days still and I know a year since he passed compared to the 40 + we shared is nothing.
Every day is hard.

[Karena]

It is six years now,but I didn't really start to feel I had any sort of life until maybe the third year.I think we pin hopes on feeling better after all the firsts have passed and get really upset when that isn't the case,but everyone around us also thinks that and so we think there is something wrong with us.A lot of people here have found the second year worse than they expected.But everyone is different,there is no right or wrong,way or time frame,so please dont be discouraged by that. The second year wasnt all bad.
If you broke a leg,you accept that you need crutches for a while and physio and all that stuff and you get impatient with yourself because its taking longer than you thought,you want to run but can only walk,but the pain would be gradually less acute,there would be good days when you didn't notice it quite as much and days when a wrong step or a twist ,even damp weather would jolt you back too the pain,but those days become less frequent and they become setbacks of shorter time frames, until it becomes more of an ache,you walk faster,become more confident of doing so,but you still arnt going to run any marathons for some time to come.

Finding this place having somewhere to write which in itself helps put jumbled thoughts into some kind of order.and the support of others on the same horrendous journey made a big difference too me,and its not just grief support,but real friendships,somewhere to talk about the every day stuff too,somewhere we even have a laugh from time to time.

[Gingey]

Thanks Karena 
I did hope that after 1st anniversary It would feel a bit easier if anything days are worse

[Gingey]

Hi
Another sunday and I feel so lost and empty
I find myself stressing about filling my time and distracting my mind from this feeling of emptiness. How do you cope, I am just so anxious

[Rachaellee]

For me, the weekends have been the worst, too. I look outside and see everyone happy and in their own little worlds while I am so sad and lost inside. I can't even begin to imagine what the ho;idays are going to be like.

[Gingey]

Hi Rachaellee
I know exactly how you feel, it is a horrible feeling.
I feel lost on my days off too. I did go out a lot for coffee and lunches at start but people drop off and have their own things to do. I am having a really rough time, feel gave gone back a bit in last few weeks. How to move on ...
 

[Rachaellee]

Gingey, I work from home, so most of my contact is with people who don't even live in this country. THey understand my situation to the best of their ability, but unless you are going through it, you have no idea. If you need to talk, hit the email button.