Author Topic: I don't want to face my grief because I'm frightened it will never stop.  (Read 1805 times)

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Offline Dawnlouise06

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Hi everyone,
I'm Dawn, I'm 25 and I lost my grandmother and mother figure 10 months ago, suddenly after a short illness and some pretty horrific care from the NHS. I don't know if anyone will read this, but I feel like I need to talk about what happened, how I feel and just open up about the fact that 10 months down the line, I still feel unable to face the trauma of losing someone so important in my life, to the point that it has made me quite physically unwell.

My gran was always my rock. I grew up with a mother who suffered with depression and put a lot if pressure on me for support. My gran was my stable place. I would speak to her about anything, share my worries, anxieties and stresses. I would ring her when working nights, because she would always answer. My world is awfully quiet since she left.

We were all together on christmas day when my gran complained she felt unwell and was struggling with her breathing. I took her to hospital and they reported that they thought she had a chest infection, this had caused a little bit of heart failure, which the doctor had put down to her being dehydrated and reassured us it would correct itself with treatment and hydration. Because it was christmas, and the hospital was on black alert, she was moved to a surgical ward because there were no other beds in the hospital to treat her medical needs. It was there that they pumped her full of fluids and antibiotics, and she experienced some awful care and treatment. My gran reported constantly that she wasn't feeling any better, she couldn't sleep because she was frightened that she couldn't breathe. I was worried sick and working night shifts, going straight to the hospital after to care for her with no sleep because I was so concerned she wasn't being cared for. I witnessed a number of really worrying things. A healthcare assistant tell her to stop making a fuss, that she couldn't be tired because "if you were that tired you would sleep standing up!". She was denied access to a toilet, because no one would answer her bell quickly enough. It wasn't until I came in one morning to find her struggling to breathe, terrified that I demanded answers from the doctor and raised my own concerns to the heart failure previously reported (they did not think this was the case but by this point her legs were swelling with water to the point it was coming out of her legs) . They xrayed her because I insisted, found increased heart failure and openly admitted if I hadn't had insisted on a x-ray she would have drowned in her own fluid in the lungs - the fluid they had been giving her through a drip. That night she suffered a suspected heart attack, she was moved to a high dependency ward and then to a side room. We saw a surgical doctor who specialises in bones, we saw a different doctor each day and no one seemed to know her, her case or needs.

She was then moved to another surgical ward. It was here she continued to deteriorate and started to suffer from anxiety. She was petrified, scared. I would go in and she would be crying and begging me to help her. We were informed by another patient across from us that she had been shouting for help all night and nurses had been telling her to shut up and be quiet. They had been putting her in incontinence pads because they didn't want the inconvience of taking her to the toilet.

To cut a story short, I had a massive meltdown and kicked off, to the point they took me into a side room so I wouldn't make a scene and then agreed to move my gran to a heart ward - for a bed we had now been waiting for for 7 days. This brought temporary relief, but by this point my gran, a normally strong willed, brave and wise lady was a terrified mess. They started pumping her full of tablets and these made her feel nauseous and unwell.

I had no idea what the situation was, I had no idea how bad things were, nobody told me or kept me informed.

It was a few days later that I went into see my gran after a shift. She presented as cold, very matter of fact and told me that she had had enough, that she didn't want to be here anymore and had started to refuse her medication. She wanted to die.

I cried, we argued. She told me that I needed to stop being selfish anď get on with things (It was like talking to a different person, very hard a cold - It hurt me deeply and I walked out of her room in tears. And That was the last 2 sided conversation I ever had with her. She deteriorated,  but not as quickly as she expected or hoped. After three days of declining medication and ignoring and refusing to talk to me whenever i visited,  she told doctors she had made a hasty decision and wanted to start accepting medication again.

It was a few days later that I was informed by doctors to say that my gran had signed a fast track agreement to be moved to a care home. I do not believe she had capacity to make this agreement because she was so incoherent by this point and it is my opinion that she was fast tracked because they wanted her bed. It was only when she was moved to the care home that we were informed that she had been fast tracked on a end of life care package, and was being given palliative care (a massive shock to me). Over the next few days she struggled to eat, started to hallucinate and suffered fits.

She died a month after being admitted, even then, I didn't want to believe it.

Her funeral came and went in a blur. I carried on, went back to work, supported my mum (now struggling even more) and I had lost my person to talk to, confide in, my support system.

I put it to the back of my mind, too frightened to think about it or cry, because I honestly don't think I would ever stop. Months down the line I have gone from a size 12 to a 6. I am suffering with severe hair loss due to stress and grief and I feel like I don't know how to fix the mess I have let myself get into.

I am due to get married in 5 months time and although this should be a happy time, my confidence has taken a massive hit due to hair loss, and I feel sad that she won't be there. I'm terrified I won't ever feel better and I'm worried I will never not feel stressed or hurt like this.

I feel so betrayed by the nhs and feel disgusted by her care. I work in mental health for the BHS and could never treat someone the way she was treated. I feel hurt that my gran gave up, on herself, on me. I feel sad that this one person I always looked up to as strong, someone who never gives up- did just that. I feel angry that the last proper conversation I had with her was a argument, and that I didn't support her or understand. I feel scared that my body has reacted in this way, and I feel so lost and lonely in a world I never imagined wouldn't have her in it.

Just writing this has been extremely difficult for me. I don't know how to fix myself or how I feel, but I know I can't change what has happened or the traumatic scenes I witnessed.

Thank you for listening. 

Offline Emz2014

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Sending a big welcome hug  :hug:

Grief is such a hard journey. I hope you will find some comfort with us here, we've all lost loved ones, are at different stages of the journey and understand  xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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You didn't let her down,you visited constantly and even after she wouldn't talk to you.I wonder if maybe she had an inkling of it being the end of her life and pushed you away deliberately.Sometimes people do that to loved ones in the mistaken belief that it will lessen the pain.
Does the hospital have a complaints system.I know it won't bring her back but maybe someone else's grandma won't be treated so badly if you make it known you are unhappy with the way she,and you were treated.

Grief is a slow process  but its not something we really can avoid,Many try,but keeping busy not allowing yourself to think doesn't make it go away.In a way it is something we live with forever but not in its present form, the intensity fades away,and we start to remember the best of them not just the end of their lives often it remains tinged with sadness that they are no longer here but we remember with happiness too as we remember little things,habits,sayings,the things that made up the whole of them as the person you love.

You have made a big step making your first post here,and while it is difficult make that step you have done it,I found writing helped me make sense of my feelings because sometimes in writing to be coherent for others you make more sense too yourself.There isn't 24 hour deploys here but rest assured yourvposts will be read and answered.None of us are professional grief councillors but all of us are here because of our own experience.
I think if things don't change though you might think about approaching your GP.Some practices do offer grief counselling.