Author Topic: Supporting partner through loss of Mum  (Read 1278 times)

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Offline Scmorgan

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Supporting partner through loss of Mum
« on: March 26, 2018, 06:39:27 PM »
Hi

My long term boyfriends mum passed away unexpectedly at the start of this year. For the first month he didn’t seem to react which I put down to having to much to keep him busy after she died and wanting to be strong for his family.  Over the last 6-8 weeks or do he’s become increasingly quiet, particularly at home.

If we’re around other people he acts like his old self, I’m presuming to put on a brave face.  He tells me he just wants to be left on his own, but will willingly stay late at work or go out with friends every night instead of coming home, which I’m trying not to take personally but feels like he just doesn’t want to be around me/at home.  He will interact with other people in the same way he always has (phone, online, text) but will barely communicate with me at all, to the point where quite often I don’t know where he is until he comes home in the little hours of the morning.

When I ask him to talk to me about what he’s feeling he doesn’t seem to be able to tell me, which I can completely understand.  He also doesn’t want to speak to his family for fear of being a burden to them or a professional who might be able to help him process what’s going on.  He has said he just needs space which I’ve tried to give him but asked that he tries to communicate better just by letting me know he won’t be home until later, but he still will not reciprocate.  It seems to be at the stage where he actually wants one of us to move out so he doesn’t need to be around me.

I’m just looking for some advice as to how I can support him. Am I best to let him continue to work through this himself and let him know I’m here or is there anything I can do myself that may help?  I may not be able to do anything and it’s up to him to work through this himself but I feel myself becoming increasingly upset and angry at the way he’s treating me when I’m just trying to be supportive.

Any advice would be much appreciated x

Offline Karena

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Re: Supporting partner through loss of Mum
« Reply #1 on: March 27, 2018, 11:49:15 AM »
It is early days for him yet.I think he is acting as normal with others around him because he isnt as close too them as to you and so this displacement activity with them has taken over -he doesnt have to think about it when he,s ou with his mates or working -but because he is closer to you he knows you can see through it. Perhaps also because the foundations of his life, his mum has gone he is frightened of being close to some-one else -like he is trying to protect himself from future hurt by withdrawing emotional attachment too you -thats not to say he can but his brain at this point in his grief might be telling him otherwise.Its difficult to explain but realisation that you can lose everyone creates fear - and it doesnt always follow that you then become over protective or want to spend as much time as you can with them, but you go the other way and try to prevent future hurt by putting a barrier between yourself and them.

Which doesnt help you of course and not suprisingly you are hurt by this and angry at his behaviour.Its not easy to give him space for a bit longer,but in the next few months, maybe rather than trying to get him to talk, you could see if he will commit to an odd day out or doing something together regularly which doesnt necessarilly force the intimacy he seems to be avoiding -but to try and break the cycle of what feels to be self destructive behaviour  - Try not to make this an opportunity to ask him to talk to you about his emotions, make it a low key pleasant activity, one which continues his displacement activity in a more healthy way and with you rather than his mates and then let him lead on talking about his emotions later and in his own time.