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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Five years
« Last post by Karena on Today at 03:30:53 PM »
 :hug: :hug: :hug:
Five years i remember being startled that five years had passed,  two years later  I  also find the greatest peace in my garden or surounded by nature away from people  - and have in many ways got used to the changes but not altogether lost the fear of making my own decisions entirely alone,or being somewhere entirely alone, but learned to do it despite the fear  -I also find that the hole isnt filled - maybe just covered over then something or some-one pulls the cover back off and i have to stop myself falling back into it . Happiness - well if you mean that ecstatic kind that you get when you fall in love  - then no -but perhaps content is enough -   i have learned to settle for peace  and i have learned to be alone more than lonely, although sometimes i still am lonely - i laugh but sometimes i wonder if i looked into a mirror right now do my eyes  reflect that laugh because  it feels quite empty. Dating i cant imagine - but then i have never "dated" in the traditional sense -  i suspect i never will.
Is seven years on better than five was - yes i think it is,  i have certainly become stronger, but perhaps also because i am no longer startled that i still miss him.
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Hi Julie It is a roller coaster journey and  sometimes it feels like we are back where we started -it isnt easy at all but eventually the slides downhill become less steep and we can climb back out more easilly. :hug:
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Lost My Mum Very Suddenly
« Last post by Karena on Today at 02:00:45 PM »
Hi Laura it isnt suprising your head is mashed - i think all of us here can relate to that. The loss of my mum isnt why i found this site but i was a little older than you when my mum died -she died of cancer and it wasnt a sudden death like yours but nothing can really prepare us for it.Its like someone took the foundations out from under us and we,re left holding on to a slippery scaffolding pole and a big drop under us. It sounds like you do have support with your husband and familly and this site can become another support - perhaps you have already identified a good reason to join and a reason it helps - in saying you cant ask your dad right now.Because sometimes when we are supporting others we find it difficult to cope with our own grief and express those feelings if we are afraid it will make it more difficult for them -  so it is easier to talk about that to people not directly involved, yet who are sharing the same experiences with their own loss.
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Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: Hi everyone
« Last post by Karena on Today at 01:16:53 PM »
Hi Phil - i have heard of complex grief disorder -it is seven years since my husband died - and like you there were other traumas around the same time which increased the difficultys - i am also no stranger to grief -this was the second time of bein widowed and one of the things that struck me was the difference in my reaction the second time - i truly believed because i had got through it once i was awre of the hurdles and the pain but also that there would be light at the end of the tunnel and quickly discovered that i couldnt even see the light let alone head towards it.But i was able to process it and now despite some unexpected setbacks perhaps i am coming out on the other side -  i dont believe grief ever really leaves us but processing it is about learning to cope with it and learning to accept the different person we become.THis site was a lifeline to me - but also i found something called continuing bonds theory - written by Dennis Klass, and Phyllis R. Silverman, it sugests that while most psychologies focus on "curing" us of our grief with the ultimate goal of letting go of the person we have lost it is an unatttainable goal - that instead, we change the way we retain a relationship with that person in a different way and the bond flexes but isnt brocken - this can be through embracing memorys or rituals or for some religious beliefs -much depends on our cultural backgrounds - but it was the point that we dont have to "let go" - put it "behind me" and somehow "forget"  which created a break through at a time when i felt i was mad,  i wasnt coping and i wasnt  doing it "properly"  - because i couldnt do that - and actually i really didnt want too - knowing that i didnt have too was the turning point so maybe it would be worth a read for you too.
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 :hug: It isnt so much about who we lost whether we are widow or widower parent or child - but how grief affects us personally and for some that might be to get out of the house as much as possible, to seek increased social interaction and try and displace grief with frenzied activity, for others it will be to retire to our lair.Neither is wrong, there isnt a wrong or right way to grieve we have to do what is right for us.

to answer your first question though, yes it is something that makes me cringe too and it is something said often - but it is asked with different motives and thats whats really important not the words themslves  - journalists generally ask because they want a story - but sometimes because they want your story to create empathy among their readers which in some cases might lead to bringing some-one to justice or some further outcome (not all of them have purley selfish motives)

Outside that sphere of people, some will ask and hope you are not actually going to tell them, (but its better than those who cross the street or dive into a shop so they can pretend they havnt seen you)  - but others, and i think the majority of others,ask because they genuinley want to help and saying how do you feel means they are offering to provide an outlet for our feelings.
 Grief  isnt visible in the way a physical injury is but even with crutches and plaster casts people will still say how are you - while what they really mean is how can i help you.Those who do genuinley want to help are often left not knowing how they can do so with grief -whereas with the physical injury it is more obvious if you drop the crutch they will pick it up without saying, can i pick it up for you, or without you asking them too - but with grief it is less clear cut  - and so as Phil said asking them to do something specific will help, -whether that is practical -search out paperwork. or social - i dont feel like going out yet but come round and have a cup of tea with me.

Its a nightmare journey and very early days for you.I remember fleeing a shop in tears on overhearing two women talking where one said she had left hubby at home because he was a nusisance when she was shopping - and the other agreed with her - I  just wanted to really let rip and yell at them  - we do become perhaps oversensative to things others say -  and i realised later they wernt actually saying designed  to hurt me and they wernt actually saying anything i might not have said myself in jest, when he was alive.

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Thank you Phil.  I'm not very good at baring my soul on Facebook but I don't want everything I post to bring me back to my state of grieving.  I think a widow needs time and space to grieve in her own way.  The, 'How are you feeling?' question has got to me because it made myself and my husband cringe collectively if we heard a reporter ask that of a bereaved person.  I know my friends are concerned and I really appreciate that.  I have some friends who are giving practical help and then just letting me get on with it.  It takes another widow to understand what you're going through.  I can't speak for widowers.  I think men may cope differently but they hurt just as much.
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Five years
« Last post by Niftysixty7 on Today at 08:36:37 AM »

Itís five years this Thursday......FIVE YEARS....sometimes seems like yesterday, where has that time gone. Iíd hoped to be in a different place,state of mind, have found some inner happiness, and of course to a certain extent l have. Have moved, a home and she wraps herself around me and a garden that soothes the soul. I should be happy shouldnít l? So why am l not.

  The life l have has sooo much to be thankful for, and l am, but Iíd trade it all in to have him back. I have made a new life, left the old one behind, including friends and family, new friends, new life, itís the only way l can move on. But the hole which is still there, may be smaller, but still hurts like hell.
Itís easier to watch couples, envy tinged with a little sadness for them, they, at some stage have this to come. Who would want this.

   Tried the dating game, met many men, it isnít going to do it for me, big boots to fill, so will love, pamper and spoil myself. Is it easier, some days a struggle, especially this month, but Iím very lucky, wish for nothing......so will wallow this week, cry as and when, go breath in my garden, look at my view, and try to be thankful.   Love to all, its a hard road. 💋💋 
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As a society we simply donít face up to death and bereavement, so we havenít got a vocabulary to use. ďHow are you feeling?Ē Is a very poor way of saying ďIím worried and concerned for you and want to express thisĒ.  I think there are a number of approaches you can take here. First of all, if you can, reword the question in your mind into a statement that your friends are doing their limited best to show concern, rather than wanting to actually know how you are.

Get yourself a stock phrase to return an answer ďwell itís early days and I miss him more than I can say and Iím still getting to grips with this new worldĒ and leave it at that. Or actually take the question and turn it around ďwell actually Iím struggling to (do something) and it would be great if you could help out a bitĒ

Post to Facebook yourself and say ďJust giving you an update on how Iím doing so you donít feel you have to ask....Ē

The badgering thing is a bit harder. They all mean well but they donít understand the seismic shift in your life. Iíd be inclined to put that into a Facebook post as well. ďTo be honest, Iím only just at the start of this new journey and need some time to shift things into a new perspective and it will take time, so I need to find my feet firstĒ.

Your friends are of course tremendously worried for you; you donít need me to tell you that. If youíre finding it too hard just say something like ďin order to recharge my batteries I need peace and quiet to contemplate/meditate/think about things. Iíll be fine, but right now thatís my priority. I really appreciate you asking me, and I promise Iíll get back to you when I feel strong enough to take that next step.Ē

Hope that helps, and if it doesnít, thatís fine as well - anything there that jars you, see if you can rework it or smooth it out into something that does!

Phil
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Fantastic! :-)  thats really good to hear xx
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Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: Hi everyone
« Last post by Emz2014 on August 19, 2018, 10:46:04 PM »
Sending you a welcome hug Phil  :hug: xx
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