Author Topic: Lost my mother and feeling so lost  (Read 1708 times)

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Offline Richjp

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Lost my mother and feeling so lost
« on: February 07, 2018, 09:38:07 PM »
I lost my mum at the end of November, exactly one week after her 89th birthday when I had taken her out to her favourite Italian restaurant. She had a fall at home and although she said she was in very little pain once we got her into hospital they diagnosed a double break of her femur so there was no alternative but to operate.

The last words I heard her say as the lift doors closed to take her down to theatre were “I’m scared”. She got through the op but died in the recovery room. I was with her when she passed, but dn’t Think she was aware.

I lost my dad 11 years ago but had Mum to help through it so although it was bad, I knew it would hit me so much harder when I lost Mum, especially as I gave up my job two years ago to care for her so it has been her and me 24/7.

I’ve been kept busy sorting through her belongings with help from my two siblings, but they have their own houses and families to go home to each day. For me I get to stay in the house I shared with Mum and find the evenings so hard and end up going to bed early just to get away from my thoughts.

I have to face the inevitability of leaving the house I’ve lived in for 45 years as it will be put on the market in a matter of weeks, I have huge debts because of not working and am struggling to get back into the workplace - partly because of my age and partly because I have zero self confidence.

So everything in my life seems to be under attack from change, all at the same time, and none of it feels doable. All the while trying to grieve. I can only tell my siblings how I feel a certain amount as they have lost their mum too, but they have families to lean on. I’m feeling lost and very alone. The people we knew in the village were more mums friends than mine, I’ve had no social life because of not wanting to leave Mum alone. People have already stopped checking to see how I’m doing. I seem to get more support from online friends, people I have never met but who care...but even there I feel there is only so much sympathy they can offer.

I’ve suffered from anxiety and panic attacks for a number of years and of course the current situation is making them ten times worse creating a brain fog that makes it near impossible to make proper decisions and see a way forward.

Daytime, I can find jobs around the house to keep me busy. Evenings not so much which is when the panic and loneliness sets in.

Edit...sorry just realised I should have posted most of this on the other board not the intro board.
« Last Edit: February 07, 2018, 10:19:02 PM by Richjp »

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Lost my mother and feeling so lost
« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2018, 09:51:35 PM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug:
Bereavement often impacts our confidence and causes anxiety like feelings, so can feel overwhelming when combined with anxiety and panic attacks. Its totally understandable to feel like the floor beneath your feet has moved

In the early stages its best to concentrate on one day at a time, or even an hour by hour on particularly bad days. We need a general plan, but we often scare ourselves by trying to think too far into the future and fill in the unknown elements

Grief is a lonely journey, but you're not alone in going through this journey. Others here have also found that people drift away after the funeral, returning to their lives leaving us floundering.  Keep reaching out to your siblings, it will be good to support each other and in time be able to share memories

Have you spoken to your Dr about support for your anxiety?  There are options of therapy and medication. Have you tried some breathing exercises? Breathing exercises can be powerful in tackling both anxiety and panic. 
You can do this, take it one step at a time xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Richjp

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Re: Lost my mother and feeling so lost
« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2018, 09:59:32 PM »
Thanks Emz.

I’ve been doing guided meditations and breathing exercises for a few years now since the panic attacks first started, but am finding it harder to focus on them since Mum died. I try to go out walking every day and that helps with lol the conflicting emotions, but they soon take over again once I’m back at the house.

I suppose being forced into finding a new place to live is not necessarily a bad thing as this place will always be full of reminders.

Both sisters are going to be away for a month at the same time later in Feb so hopefully I will find a job by then to keep me busy.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Lost my mother and feeling so lost
« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2018, 08:21:05 AM »
Definitely keep up the walks, even when you dont feel like it as they will help a lot.

Have you considered if there are any local groups or classes you can try? Something to start that step of rebuilding your social circle
For evenings, perhaps have a look at the courses Future Learn provides? They are supplied by universities, for free, on a wide range of topics, and you can interact with other students.  It wont take away the grief but may give you something to try and focus on a while in the evening xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Richjp

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Re: Lost my mother and feeling so lost
« Reply #4 on: February 08, 2018, 08:43:57 AM »
That’s actually something I do want to look into - taking Italian classes (the dream is to be running a guest house in Italy), although I suppose the main priority should be finding work to pay for things like classes.

Also going to join the Ramblers I think. I’ve always been a solitary walker so perhaps I need to make myself socialise now more than ever.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Lost my mother and feeling so lost
« Reply #5 on: February 08, 2018, 01:23:51 PM »
You could try Duolingo in the meantime, which is a free online language course, in many languages. I did try the Spanish with duolingo for a while (which I will go back to at some point). Looks like the bbc still have free language lessons online too - I did one with them years ago, it was good.  If you search 'free italian courses online' in google a few links come up, which could get you started, then when things are settled with a job could expand to attending a class? (And having started may feel more confident going to a class with others)

Sounds like a great idea re the ramblers.  Widening our social circle/support network helps so much with grief.  It can't take it away but it makes the journey easier.

But dont feel bad if you need to rest now and again.  All little steps and lots of TLC needed through bereavement

And remember to notice all your achievements, note down all the things you've achieved, no matter how small it may seem, the more you do that it can help your anxiety - you'll start to see how much you have done and can do despite the anxiety trying to tell you otherwise. You can prove that anxiety wrong, that you can do the things you want to do   :hearts: xx
« Last Edit: February 08, 2018, 01:27:18 PM by Emz2014 »
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Richjp

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Re: Lost my mother and feeling so lost
« Reply #6 on: February 08, 2018, 01:28:05 PM »
Thanks Emz all good advice. I’ve heard good things about Duolingo so will definitely start with that.