Author Topic: Loss of my mum  (Read 1745 times)

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Offline Lisab38

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Loss of my mum
« on: August 01, 2018, 04:55:22 PM »
Hi I’m new to this but I’m hoping that someone understands how I’m feeling and would like to chat. My mum died suddenly before last Christmas and although I can pretend for friends and family I know that it’s just an act that at times I can’t keep up and then I become angry upset and a vile person especially to my husband unfortunately I don’t know anyone who is in my situation and I’m due to start counselling soon but even that makes me feel like what’s the point as they can’t change anything. I just would like to know that I am normal and what is the best way to carry on to the future as a feel that if I continue like this my marriage will not last. Thanks for reading xx

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Loss of my mum
« Reply #1 on: August 01, 2018, 06:51:56 PM »
Sending you a welcome hug  :hug:
It can feel like that, its a rollercoaster journey but it does get easier in time.  Try not to project your feelings into the future, it really helps to take it a day at a time. Need to be gentle with yourself, its a hard journey.
I think grief often puts a strain on relationships, we can feel such conflicted emotions which is confusing enough for us without having another person we closely interact with. I remember some days I really wanted company/support but then at the same time wanted to be alone xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Lost675

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Re: Loss of my mum
« Reply #2 on: August 02, 2018, 09:05:35 AM »
I understand where you are at. I lost my Dad who I was very close to, just before Christmas (21 Dec). I was so devastated, our whole family had revolved around him and we were all lost. My poor husband took so much anger from me, he could not do anything right. He was a very calm and placed person but I'm not and it's so hard to control emotions when dealing with grief. On 8 January, completely without illness or warning my husband died in his sleep and I'm beyond devastation. I'm not quite sure what I'm trying to say but I read your post and would give anything to be in your shoes now,  which is probably not something anyone is likely to say to you! I'm sorry I don't have the answers either I guess I just hope my story helps you find a little space before you react, I wish I had been able to. Counselling has really helped for me, it gave me an outlet to outline my grief without upsetting anyone. Take care of yourself on this journey, it's a tough one at best X

Offline Lost675

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Re: Loss of my mum
« Reply #3 on: August 02, 2018, 09:07:29 AM »
 Should have read 'outpour' not outline, bloody predictive!

Offline Karena

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Re: Loss of my mum
« Reply #4 on: August 02, 2018, 11:57:32 AM »
 :hug:Anger is a natural part of grief as is pretending things are fine when they are not, - my advice as well as going to the counselling is to take some time out of your day to grieve - that doesnt necessarilly mean a kind of faked slot in which you cry - although that is fine too - I have found anger dissipates with a really brisk walk. There is a hill behind my house and when i,ve stomped my way too the top i,m too exhausted to be angry = But also to try and find some peace  with what has happened.There are things you can do - for some this might be meditation or mindfulness - it could be a sympathetic supportive friend outside the familly for others it might be something you associate directly with your lost loved one.
 My mum was very much an outdoors person and loved gardening - when she became ill and stayed with us, un able to get outdoors we put bird feeders next to the window so she could spend time watching them. When she died i created a corner in the garden using those feeders, a water feature, bench and her favourite plants - i would go out and sit there in a morning before work with a coffee just to spend time in what i considered was her space. Sometimes talking too her sometimes crying sometimes just sitting and watching the birds as she did before me.
Later when my husband died and i had to move house i brought that with me and recreated not just her little corner but the pond he was so fond of and gradually found they had passed on those passions too me - this garden now is somewhere i can retreat from the pretending i,m ok world - be alone but not lonely and has become a source of inspiration for new direction in my life and so their legacys live on - where my children always expected to find grandma in the garden - my grandchildren expect to find me. We are all different we all find different ways to do it - the main point is to find a way to take time out for yourself and your grief and whatever emotions it is bringing you at a given time on this journey, because we cant keep pretending or hiding them all the time and doing so or trying too is probably also building the anger until we explode and potentially hurt those we least want too.