Thank you so much for your messages and support. My Mother and I had such a special relationship, she was truely wonderful. My brother and sister have made it clear to my wife that they knew I was her favourite, but then I always put more into our relationship, always on the phone and visiting her, she always said she felt as ease with me. I always gave my mother hugs and kisses and told her how much I loved her every time I saw or spoke to her. Something my brother and sister never did, Mum talked to me on many occasions that she wanted that from them also, but got it. I believe what you put into a relationship, you get back. To my brother and sisters credit they both adore me, I am the youngest, the baby of the family, even though I am 46. Maybe fortunately from them as they weren’t as close the aren’ feeling the same level of pain as me. They have both told me that their relationship is over, which I am feeling harder to deal with, as Mum would have been so upset. Deep down I think it was always going to happen, as family secrets have come out over the years, my brother is biologically my sister and i’s half brother. He is the eldest. My brother didn’t even know until he was 15. He asked my mother to keep the secret, as he didn’t want my sister and I to think differently of him. My sister found out years later when she met up with her and mine blood father, who walked out on all of us when I was 18 months old. My sister developed a loving relationship with our father, I wrote him a letter, with the help of my mother, to meet him, but he never replied to it. I found out the truth 3 years ago. Which as you can imagine, span me out quite a bit. The thought that everyone knew but me, I felt my life had been a lie. My sister was very angry as Mum begged them not to tell me, through fear of losing the special relationship I had with her. I had a very difficult night with Mum talking it through, but I understood why she did it, to protect my brother at first, then as years went by,it got harder for the truth to come out. I hugged my mother, she begged for my forgiveness, which I did, I understood. It must have been so hard for her, she truely was so lovely. My sister I now feel held that against my mother and brother, although I see it that she had our father, and I had my mother. I can’t imagine how it must have felt for my brother. When the truth come out, he texted me, a told me in his eyes it didn’t change a thing, I was his little brother. In my eyes too, nothing changed, he was my brother and I loved him, I felt sorry for him that he had to deal with abandonment from his real father, and fear of losing his younger sister and brother due to blood fathers. I love my brother and sister so much, equally. For years I was the glue of my family, the cheeky, funny one that all of them loved. Nothing really bothered me, they always thought I was carefree,and they love that about me, always smiling,but if something was bothering them about another one, I would confront them and tell them to do right by the other.Now though, I just don’t have the strength to bat it off. Them falling out, is making the loss of Mum so much harder. Mum’s ashes have been at the crematorium for the last couple of months. I collected Mum today to bring her home for Christmas, Mum always had Christmas with me and my family. I just couldn’t bear the thought of her being at the crematorium on her own. I really am in a bad place at the moment, the only thing that is keeping me going is my gorgeous wife, my two children,although having a difficult time with my beautiful 14 year old daughter, I wish she believed in herself,which is very stressful. My wonderful 20 year is moving back home tonight, again has some difficult teenage years with him, but has grown into a wonderful young man. Our huge 9 month puppy is a big help, although he is slowly eating our house. I don’t want to fail my fail,I have always tried to be strong.My wife and I were asked tonight to be Godparents to our lovely friends beautiful daughter tonight, which is is wonderful, although I left early as lots of friends there, and I felt I was suffocating. I don’t want to ruin our friends happiness or Christmas, by being so emotional. I don’t think Christmas is helping. I apologise for such a long post, once I started I couldn’t stop, maybe I need it. I am normally quite strong, it really has hit me lately, I thought I was coping, but I really am not. I realise that now. It really is quite strange how alone you feel, even though I have family and friends around me, who love me dearly. I just don’t want to upset, or make them feel awkward. No one can give me want I want for Christmas, I just want my Mum.
