Can't get up

[Woodlands2017]

Agh - I just can't get up. My son is watching a lot of tv at the moment and I'm just lying here crying. It's a week since my wonderful step-dad of 38 years died and I'm just thinking about those last moments. He could squeeze my hand until right at the end. He couldn't speak anymore the last 48 hours which was bothering me - but I suppose we have to think that he said what he needed to say. I told him I loved him so many times those last few weeks.

I just feel distraught today and really angry. I feel like some people really don't understand how bad this feels. My half brothers and sisters sent messages on my birthday a few days ago just saying I hope you have an amazing birthday. I found that crass and insensitive. Has anyone else found a way to handle stupid messages? I really don't want any 'have an amazing Christmas' messages. That makes my blood boil.

So now I really need to get up and finish the Christmas preparations. Feel shattered and I know this isn't helped by drinking too much the last few evenings as a way to numb the pain. My mum is in so much pain herself, she is mainly just lashing out.

Agh. Hope others are having a better day.

Octavia

[Emz2014]

It's the worst time of year for messages like that, often people are stuck in stating the same message without thought to adapt it as they are sometimes robotically working their way through preparations as expected by the masses. And often, they'll want to send a card to show they care but don't realise the message printed inside jarrs so much with how we feel. Try and take a deep breath and think of the care they have for you beneath it. If they haven't lost anyone themselves unfortunately they can't grasp the full extent and depths of the emotions

Are you able to take some time to have a nice bath or shower to start with? Something that feels a little pampering (whether that's just because its not so rushed). It's totally normal to feel so bad, all I can suggest is treat yourself as you would a friend - understanding and gentle.

Sometimes I found a dvd/duvet day really helped me - giving myself permission to stop for the day and do something indulgent. Gave my mind a bit of respite.  As long as we don't allow ourselves to drift into doing that everyday it can make such a difference.  Permission to stop, be, feel sad without pressure on ourselves to get on with things xx

[Lyn Taylor]

Octavia I feel the same. I had a Xmas card yesterday which said "Tis the season to be Jolly" I felt like I had been kicked in the teeth and threw it in the bin and anger errupted so I let it out, wrote it down in my journal and bought myself some flowers. It also makes you realise how the true meaning of Xmas has been taken over by commercialism and is no longer personal like Emz says cards are not adapted to reflect the person on the receiving end. Grief can also provide you with so much clarity on things you never saw before. I avoid people at the moment because I find it shocking how some people react when you tell them you are mourning a loved one. A neighbour said to me "after the funeral you will move on and it will be better" I said my dad died 2 weeks ago I hardly think his funeral is going to change how I feel in such a short space of time and then walked away. I actually felt good about challenging that thoughtless comment.Again not saying that was the right way to respond but made me feel better. xx

[Woodlands2017]

It's so true Lynn

No one is going to tell me when I should feel better. It was my 40th three days after my step-dad died so I cancelled everything obviously. One of my friends said we should start planning a party for the new year. I said look, I have no idea when I will feel better about this and won't be planning any parties.

I know the solution is to seek out the people who understand it, but I just feel angry right now.

Tidying up the house 0.0000001 miles an hour

Octavia

[Woodlands2017]

Ps - I agree about challenging stupid comments.

If I get any 'have an amazing Christmas' messages, I'm just going to say - thank you but it clearly won't be amazing. Do keep us in your thoughts.

I need to get it off my chest.

Octavia

[Lyn Taylor]

Octavia you have every right  to feel what you feel and people who care about you will support and respect those feelings whether they have experienced grief or not. Since dad died my senses have changed. Some people I used to have around me now send a feeling in my gut that says I need to make different choices of who I mix with. I have found this quite enlightening as this massive change and loss in my life is creating a 'new' me. It's weird I know but it's a good feeling. I have spent so much of my life caring for others that I feel I want to be with people now who care about me and leave  superficial people behind. This change came from my mother and brother who have been so cruel to me and cutting me out of my dad's funeral arrangements and banning me from the family home. It devastated me as it was so disrespectful to my dad who adored me. With these new senses, I realised I knew deep down what they were both really like years ago but I put up with it for dad's sake and to not rock the boat. Dad knew too because they treated him badly but dad always was one to keep the peace and I helped him. I no longer have do that now so for me there is some freedom in all this and I know dad would want me to start a life because I put my life on hold for years to help my dad, not just his health care but giving him respite from my mother who ground him down. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat but things have changed and I strangely feel the blessings in disguise. Dad is at peace from everything now and free and I have to be to.

I have some housework to do and will probably do it at the same speed as you.....but in the scheme of things does it matter? I will probably end up having a glass of wine which I am doing in excess at the moment which I know I need to stop doing but again when I am ready xx

[Woodlands2017]

To be honest if it wasn't for my son Christmas would be off.

I do know what you mean about finding a new beginning. I think if anything good comes out of this for me it could be being more honest about how I feel and valuing more what I have.

Yeah, wine is providing me with a way to take the edge of it in the evenings at least. But everyone is drinking a lot anyway, and like you I'll get it under control when I'm ready.

Stay in touch and thanks for all your replies - keeping me going

Xx

[Rach1972]

Hi Octavia, I am really sorry for your loss.  Sometimes I think people don't really understand loss until they have truly experienced it.  At least I didn't until this year when I lost my Mum and Uncle 5 months apart.  The whole build up to Christmas has been crappy and I actually didn't leave my flat for four days last week just to avoid it all.  If one more person asks me if I'm alright I swear I may punch them!  For now, I am taking it a day at a time with the odd day of hibernation & Netflix thrown in! Take care x

[Lyn Taylor]

Hi Octavia

How are you? How did you manage over Christmas?

I'm glad it's all over but now dreading New year's Eve but will deal with it as it happens. I am definitely learning this one step at a time and hope one day it leads to a sprint!

x

[Karena]

Hi Lyn sorry xmas was so bad for you.hope new year will not be as bad as you. are thinking There is nothing wrong with hibernating for a while its probably the best thing to follow our natural instincts I spend new years eves on my own then light a candle which burns over midnight to symbolise taking my loved ones forward with me in spirit

[Lyn Taylor]

Hi Karena

Christmas was not as bad as I had prepared myself for. It was peaceful and reflective away from all the hype and commercialism and I could be at one with the peace it bought. I lit a candle as I often do as I meditate quite a lot.

The new year is the first one in my life without dad in the physical sense but like you say we take them forward with us in our hearts, memories and spirit. There is peace in death as there is in life and I am slowly acknowledging the peace. Love heals and I can feel dad's strength in this process and when dad passed a light temporarily flickered in my world but a profound sense of love at the same time strengthened that light and I know it will forever burn brightly x