First day in real world again

[Twinkle]

So back to work today for the first time since Christmas, everyone ask I g me how my Christmas was, which made me so angry, they all ow what has gone on,  but on the other hand why should I bother them with my misery,  thankfully I clearly have a stinking cold so I could just say it was quiet as I felt so I'll,  but am exhausted with trying to pretend everything is okay, my husband worse than useless and I have absolutely nobody who will begin to try and understand how I feel, I just feel like I am done,  there is nothing or nobody to help me....

[Lyn Taylor]

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for you

[Karena]

 

[Twinkle]

Well I survived another day! I feel so sad, I have tried to reach out to both sisters and my husband about how I am struggling, but everyone just shuts me down making me feel pathetic,  none of those could cope at the time and I was the strong one, now I am really not coping it's like" well we getting on with life now" one sister told me that today. I know 2018 is coming but I don't feel ready to leave 2017 yet, I want to treasure  the memories I have and block out the rest, I guess that sounds stupid, but I feel stupid, pathetic, wallowing even writing this I feel you must be thinking for God's sake pull yourself together, and to be honest some of me wants too, but some of me wants to completely and utterly immerse myself in how I really feel....

[Lyn Taylor]

 I don't know if this will help or hinder you but please take it with the love I offer it. I learnt during my dad's dying process a very valuable lesson that when you look outwards to other people to help you and understand what you are going through and there is no support or love coming back to you then you have to let go of them and become your own love,  your own support and your own counsel. When you are at your lowest ebb in life and there is nobody there to support you through it then you have to become the one that loves you. It hurts, it's hard, it's devastating but you have to let it go.

Seek comfort from yourself, seek love from yourself  and protect yourself. You had the love and strength to do this for your mum so now do it for yourself and in doing so, take your mum's guiding hand, her strength and her wisdom and do it for her as well x

[Twinkle]

Thank you Lyn  I know exactly what you mean, I have to love myself and take comfort from what I know and feel about both Mum and Dad, I know I have to get used to it, but at the minute I continue to be hurt everyday that those I turn to turn away, when I know if the circumstances were reversed I would try my best to help someone....

[Scared1]

Hi twinkle, firstly just wanted to say you're amazing for going back to work      .... and that I now have discovered the likelihood of finding a person in your everyday life who really understands how you feel is not very likely, so thank goodness we can come to places liked this online (or  a bereavement group in the real world ). I haven't answered much on here recently as I often can't find the words and have been too down to write but I'm thinking of you xxxxxx

[Twinkle]

Than you I am not amazing al all, I had no choice but to go back to work, I am the only wage earner due to his illness, we are in debt and I suspect bankruptcy looms in the new year, and more importantly although my home is rented it and the garden are escape and my haven, the night I got home after Mum died I sat for hours on a bench sobbing, and I often go and sit on it now, however cold it is, just to somehow try and connect, I also bought load and loads of daffodil bulbs and planted them so in the spring I can see them and think of her, it would totally finish me if I lost this place, so I had to back, if it is any help I don't think it has helped at all, it hinders you, forcing you to be what other people want you to be, and like you, finding someone who understands or actually wants to listen is hard, and I have found myself saying nothing at all as I don't want anyone to think I am going on... I expected my siblings, even though they weren't really that close to Mum, and my husband, whom my Mum adored and he loved her back, would actually allow me to be how I need to be, but it seems not, I am utterly alone, apart from you lovely people on here, who don't make me feel a freak!

Am sorry you have been feeling that down that you felt even unable to post on here? Was it the whole Christmas thing?

It is my day off today, and from the second I woke all I keep hearing going around and around in my head, is the song we played at Mums funeral as we left her, it's like even my mind ttrying to torture me now..

You take care xxx

[Scared1]

Yes Christmas probably didn't help ( I haven't seen anyone since Dec 22nd ) but it's just everything in general.  I've said before in another post, I just don't want to be here anymore. Just have to wait  for the years to pass till I can be with my family again.
So sorry to hear of your other problems , I so hope you get to stay in your place , with the garden you love and see those lovely daffodils come up in spring.
Oh no believe me there wont be anyone going through this that thinks you're a freak ! And yes my mind tortures me too with thoughts, memorirs and every time I do literally anything,  something comes up to remind me and I'm in floods of tears again xxxxxx

[Lyn Taylor]

Christmas Day I was alone sitting in silence as there was not one phone call to me to  say "hello" let alone "how are you"....nothing! 24 hrs is a long time with no human contact and understandably it hurts to think nobody cares especially when those around you know the loss you have experienced. To me it is just common decency.

Talking to people online who are going through this is a great source of comfort but does not replace face to face interraction, a hug, someone to just be there with you or just listen to you or take your mind of it with a nice visit or telephone call.

So many people are lonely and alone and unfortunately it's a sad reflection of society today.

Losing a parent is devastating but losing a husband/wife or partner  must be even more so when it comes down to being alone.

I always think there must be others worse off and I try to count my blessings and try to be content with just my own company and trying to find things I can do to alleviate the loneliness. Today I am going to read a book and watch a film this evening and hope that little by little it will get easier
x

[Twinkle]

Scared1, like you it's everything in general, I too have said I don't want to here anymore, and I have a plan when mum's and dads stone is down I can actually just leave and it will all be over, links that sounds weak but it all feels so pointless and it's just not getting better...

Lyn I agree with you today's society seems not to care about anyone suffering or alone, unless its overseas,,  i idid have a coupke of friends who texted me xmas day, but they realky didnt want to hear how i was really feeling. And yes face to face interaction would be perfect but it doesnt seem possible for me, my friend gave me a hug last night when she left work, and then said Happy New Year, which is natural I guess but why would my hew year be happy?

I am not sure you can quantify which is worse, losing parent, child, partner, it all just effects us in so many ways,  it just depends on the relationship I think, I can't seem to get into my books or t v, have decided to try and have bit  of a clear up, but it's such an effort....

[Scared1]

It definitely doesn't sound weak to me at all twinkle , I just try to stick it out on the earth so hopefully I can be with my family eventually. Like you things don't get any better. Hope your clear up is a bit of a distraction . I am lucky that I can get in to tv , it really is the only thing I enjoy. Especially the soaps ! Following what all the characters are up to everyday does take my mind off of things even just for 5 mins x

Sorry you spent Christmas day alone Lyn, i was very lucky that I had been invited to friends but being around other people's families just reinforces the fact that I don't have one . Having said that, I do count my blessings that I was invited and that they have texted me very regularly . Hope you enjoy your film x

[Twinkle]

I will watch Eastenders and love Harry Potter so have some things to watch on my planner, clear up didn't really help, mum is just on my mind every second, I would have spoken to her several times by now today, and gone down there later,  I can get what you mean even being with others families it doesn't help can just reinforce what we are missing, there doesn't seem to be an answer...

[Scared1]

I know hun, it is so so hard , I don't have any answer either . I wish i did. I'm sending you a hug    and we're here for you ...yes I've been loving eastenders over Christmas and Harry potter is the best , i plan to watch the half blood prince tonight as suddenly realised its saturday ( completely lost tracks of the days ) , so no soaps tonight unfortunately  xxxxxxxx

[Twinkle]

Eastenders has been the best over Christmas! A friend bought me for Christmas in a frame the saying in for me darkest of times, you only have to turn on the light from the film. I am going to try and watch Goblet  of Fire tonight and forget everything.....