Seen Dr....

[Twinkle]

So today I saw my Dr for a check up, as have been on anti depressants for a while, for once I told her the truth, I cried and said I just can't and don't want to cope without Mum, everything is pointless, and that I have a plan, if I feel no better when Mum and Dads stone is down I can just slip away, the Dr has doubled my anti depressants, I feel like, whatever,  pills cant fix how I feel, I am meant to self refer myself for counselling, and see her in two weeks, who knows? I just see my Mum lying on the floor as they worked on her, hear her try and tell me what is wrong, I can't and don't even know that I want to erase that. It was August and i know many of you have suffered loss much fresher than this, and I feel pathetic that I can't be better and help you more...

[Scared1]

Well done for going to your doctors appointment twinkle. I too am in bits over my loss that happened In August so you're definitely not alone in that. I cry , sob , scream in to my pillow multiple times a day . I'm broken over it all. ... i Hope with the higher anti depressant dosage it may dull the rawness a bit for you. Thinking of you x

[Karena]

 :hug:I am glad you told your GP the truth -please go ahead and refer yourself for the counselling too.Pills cannot take away your pain but they can help you cope with it  even if that is just to be able to function on a daily basis -counselling may reduce your need for them at a later stage but that is something you will also need to do as your GP advises when the time is right.
August is no time at all please dont feel your grief is any less valid than anyone elses,there isnt a time scale.Some of us are a lot further on this journey than you are but that doesnt mean we dont also have our crisis times -we do.
Supporting others is something you do in different ways - just by posting here at all - you can be supporting others without knowing it - some-one will read your posts and realise that they are not alone on their journey and that is very important. If we all said we were fine after four months, it would provide no help for some-one else four months in who is feeling as you do. as scared 1 has written you are not alone that you are still feeling this way after the same time.
The truth is important or else we continue to live with the myth that everything goes back to normal after the funeral,  feeling alone and feeling that this myth is true - therefore there is something "wrong" with us - is one of the ways we punish ourselves even more. Many times in the early days i would read something someone had written and recognise it as the same way i was feeling which was a huge relief.
This isnt something you can rush grief is grief and it will take its course -all you can do is go with it -there isnt a shortcut or a cure just a life journey full of traps and pitfalls and reverse steps but one we have to take.There are things you can do to prop you up when you need it one of those is this site  antidepressants and counselling are another.meditation,mindfulness, spritual and  holistic methods can also play their part.Use those props in whatever forms help at any stage as you move along.

[Twinkle]

Thank you both, I felt so guilty that others were still in that first bit of disbelief of grief and I possibly wallowing. I will refer myself for the counselling and certainly a spiritualist group is something I am interested in for the future, for like all of you am struggling to survive hour by hour,  I just miss her so much everything really seems pointless.,,

I spoke to my eldest sister today, told her how I was feeling, my get out plan etc she was understanding to agree, said she was struggling too, she didn't understand the need to give up etc but it helped a little. Reading the love letters mum and dad shared ( I was the only child of mum's second relationship, she left my siblings dad for my dad) made me see that she was really happy at that time,  but then sad that I didn't ask her enough about it, everything  just makes me want to cry....

I am having a meeting in January with the hospital as her care was negligent to say the least, and will always be grateful I got her home that last week, even if  she wasn't meant to die, I can still hear her G P saying to me when he rang she shouldn't have died....i will be strong and do this so hopefully others may not suffer.....

[Emz2014]

You don't have to forget any memories, it just gradually becomes easier to deal with them. For traumatic memories there are techniques used by some counsellors which remove the traumatic element, but not the memory.  I had alot of issues remembering the phonecall telling me dad had passed unexpectedly. I never thought that memory wouldn't feel so raw. I can't concentrate on it too long now but a fleeting memory of it does not hurt as much as it used to

Take it one day at a time - dont worry yourself about the future at this stage.  Day by day is plenty to deal with for the first year. And continue to be honest with your Dr 

Im 4 years along in the journey, almost 5.  There's hope hun, and when there feels there is non, rest, hope will return xx

[Twinkle]

Thank you, I had a few sessions with a human givens you counsellor who did a rewind technique on me for that night, and for a while it  worked, but soon the horror and the fear came back, like you I can only allow a brief memory of it and I have to shut it down as it is just  such a physical pain. I thought I struggled losing Dad 23 years ago,  at the time I was a proper Daddy's girl, it really broke me, but my wonderful Mum was there and it was my turn to take care of her for 20 years, and now it feels so so empty.... I am so glad I found this forum, thank you so much....