All you can really do is take it one hour at a time, one day at a time and be kind to yourself.

If you had a physical injury and badly broke some bones - thats what you would do - be kind to yourself. and accept that to move anywhere is a slow process - some days you will need to rest others you take a few steps before going back to your bed -after a while there will be physio - just simple excercises that you dont want to do but force yourself too. there will be times you fall over - many times when something hits you out of the blue knocks you to the ground and you struggle to get back up.Eventually you start to walk more easilly -but it will be a long time even now before you start running and even longer before it is a marathon you run. - There will be hills to climb or mountains to go round -its exhausting, and at the end of all that - perhaps you will accept there wont ever be a marathon, perhaps on a cold and wet day those brocken bones will ache but you will be at peace with that because you will see how far you have come.

The problem with grief is on that same journey people cant see the injury - no -one sees the plaster casts or the crutches, no-one accepts that those excercises are necessary but you do them because you are forced too - return to work, go to the shops, drive, take a bus -come home to an empty house- bother cooking for yourself - everyday stuff that people cant imagine are difficult. Maybe some-one is there some of the times you fall over but they cant take away the pain, often you are on your own when it happens and you have to get yourself back up again - and generally people expect you to do this much faster and get that marathon run,and because people expect it of you then you start to expect it of yourself and stop being kind too yourself but start to see yourself as weak/uselss and even mad sometimes.More than anything the person who would have understood and taken care of you is no longer able too.

But in the same way as with a physical injury you will get there eventually and that is the knowledge that gets you through - that is the physio, the hill climbing, and the mountains to go round, and that person will be there in different ways, - in your head and your heart you will hear what he would have said and know that he loves you just as you love him and that knowledge will give you the strength to keep going.
You will run again but accept that your life is not going to be the same -and thats ok because you dont want to run a marathon any more you  want to climb a mountain instead of going round it  - maybe the one he wanted to see the view from the top of so and you go see it for him - and it doesnt matter if you limp a bit and the ache of missing him is part of you - sometimes you might need a painkiller or two most of the time you live with it -  but it is not as all consumimg as the initial pain.

7 years since my husband died i have hit that wall many times, sometimes the only option is to sit at the bottom of it and rest and then work out how to get past it or through it - maybe chip away at the plaster that hold the bricks together - or maybe some-one who has already done that will show you how they chipped away at it and made footholds and will reach down and help you over - show you the way down or reach out and pull you through - and for me this place, being able to write here and the people who were here, were a huge part of  getting me through them and keeping the black clouds behind me.I hope that this place will come to be that safety net for you too.

 yep until the grandkids discover it - then it will be mini japanese garden all over the carpet, in the food, in the sleeping bags,in the clothes,- just like my old one was really, but without the sand actually being provided by me. ( and actually i am as bad as them - my suitcase is full of sand from durban -how it got in there - who knows, as i still had my sandy beach clothes on when i got on the plane.

That pretty much depends on how she was as a friend before this - could be she genuinly didnt log in and didnt take in what you told her properly when she did  -could be she had things on her mind that you dont know about -  but also people who have not shared this experience genuinley dont know what to say or how to react - so i would give her the benefit of the doubt for now. I have found in a few cases that some people will be very sympathetis in the early days then soon lose interest and the ones who have held back initially become the ones that are there longer term.

Thank you Emz and karina for the kind words and being welcoming the last few weeks have been hard for me with sorting mums clothes and being at my parents house with all the memories there.

I had to put a brave face on for my dad as it would of hurt him to see me upset i think it's hard for me because i cant have the closure for a few years until we will have our mums ashes which will be anything after 5yrs as she is with Keele medical university Staffordshire as all we have is memories and a lock of mums hair that the nurses did for us when mum passed.

I know mum is happy in happy land as mum called it with her parents and 2 brothers watching over us every day as mum was a spiritual person as her faith was spiritualism.

Hi,I seem to be struggling today,don’t know why but I can’t say anything for now but I thank you all for being so kind and just knowing you are all there 

Hello Saffy.

What you are experiencing is not uncommon, but that is what the forum is here to do, to help each other.

Please feel free to message me if you wish.


Stephen.