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Resources / This board
« Last post by Karena on September 20, 2018, 11:32:02 AM »
In order to protect our members and avoid commercial enterprise intruding into what we try to make a safe haven at a time when our members are often at their most vulnerable, we have long had a rule about not allowing external links to be posted.However we have decided to create a new board with some resources that we think may be useful - whether this is information about other organisations,specific media items such as upcoming tv documentarys or radio shows, a blog, a piece of literature, music or art (including your own bereavement related creations)  this is the board for them.

However we do need to continue to consider the sensativites and feelings as well as continued safety of all our members - just as we always have in the past, so if you find something that you think may be helpful to others that could be posted here, Please contact a member of admin by private message so we can double check any external links before posting.

We will pre-check all links and try to verify,to the best of our ability, whether they are
*Genuine,
*Appropriate too the forum,
*Not purely for commercial or other non altruistic purposes,

but please note we cannot accept resonsability for upset or strife that may be caused to individuals who visit external links from here, we will however remove any links, or issue warnings to others if you report back too us anything you think may be detrimental too any of our members.
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: New to this
« Last post by Karena on September 19, 2018, 10:28:30 AM »
All you can really do is take it one hour at a time, one day at a time and be kind to yourself.

If you had a physical injury and badly broke some bones - thats what you would do - be kind to yourself. and accept that to move anywhere is a slow process - some days you will need to rest others you take a few steps before going back to your bed -after a while there will be physio - just simple excercises that you dont want to do but force yourself too. there will be times you fall over - many times when something hits you out of the blue knocks you to the ground and you struggle to get back up.Eventually you start to walk more easilly -but it will be a long time even now before you start running and even longer before it is a marathon you run. - There will be hills to climb or mountains to go round -its exhausting, and at the end of all that - perhaps you will accept there wont ever be a marathon, perhaps on a cold and wet day those brocken bones will ache but you will be at peace with that because you will see how far you have come.

The problem with grief is on that same journey people cant see the injury - no -one sees the plaster casts or the crutches, no-one accepts that those excercises are necessary but you do them because you are forced too - return to work, go to the shops, drive, take a bus -come home to an empty house- bother cooking for yourself - everyday stuff that people cant imagine are difficult. Maybe some-one is there some of the times you fall over but they cant take away the pain, often you are on your own when it happens and you have to get yourself back up again - and generally people expect you to do this much faster and get that marathon run,and because people expect it of you then you start to expect it of yourself and stop being kind too yourself but start to see yourself as weak/uselss and even mad sometimes.More than anything the person who would have understood and taken care of you is no longer able too.

But in the same way as with a physical injury you will get there eventually and that is the knowledge that gets you through - that is the physio, the hill climbing, and the mountains to go round, and that person will be there in different ways, - in your head and your heart you will hear what he would have said and know that he loves you just as you love him and that knowledge will give you the strength to keep going.
You will run again but accept that your life is not going to be the same -and thats ok because you dont want to run a marathon any more you  want to climb a mountain instead of going round it  - maybe the one he wanted to see the view from the top of so and you go see it for him - and it doesnt matter if you limp a bit and the ache of missing him is part of you - sometimes you might need a painkiller or two most of the time you live with it -  but it is not as all consumimg as the initial pain.

7 years since my husband died i have hit that wall many times, sometimes the only option is to sit at the bottom of it and rest and then work out how to get past it or through it - maybe chip away at the plaster that hold the bricks together - or maybe some-one who has already done that will show you how they chipped away at it and made footholds and will reach down and help you over - show you the way down or reach out and pull you through - and for me this place, being able to write here and the people who were here, were a huge part of  getting me through them and keeping the black clouds behind me.I hope that this place will come to be that safety net for you too. :hug:


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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: New to this
« Last post by Dave Administrator on September 18, 2018, 07:02:45 PM »
Hi R and welcome to the group.

It happens all the time I'm afraid, and I guess it's because the numbing shock and disbelief starts to where off leaving you feeling like you do now.

May I offer you my heartfelt sympathy R, and hope you get lots of support from those here who understand.
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General Discussion / Re: Everyday general chat, everyone welcome, just join in
« Last post by Karena on September 18, 2018, 05:02:09 PM »
 yep until the grandkids discover it - then it will be mini japanese garden all over the carpet, in the food, in the sleeping bags,in the clothes,- just like my old one was really, but without the sand actually being provided by me. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:( and actually i am as bad as them - my suitcase is full of sand from durban -how it got in there - who knows, as i still had my sandy beach clothes on when i got on the plane. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: My Dad
« Last post by Karena on September 18, 2018, 04:53:50 PM »
 :hug: When you have spent your almost entire adult life being in a relationship and bringing up children, then become an empty nester and lose your lifetime partner fairly close together, what you say and feel might not be what you do - but its really difficult to function outside those roles - whatever the role she took was for all those years, it is a role she has played for so long she doesnt know any other way to be, and yes in those circumstances anyone might feel they cant function outside of that role so need some-one to stand in as a companion. and whether thats the companionship of a woamn or a man isnt really relevant but if you are just not used to female company then making that change isnt easy - but she may discover that women friends can be funny and witty and adventurous and loyal and she may enjoy that discovery. Out of my closest friends three are men - one i have known since i was seven because men can be all those things too.

If she meets  a guy, you could be right and he wont come up to her standards but that is for them to resolve should it happen.

If the desire to meet some-one as a companion gets her  to socialise outside her realtionship with you, she may come to realise through doing it that friendship and companionship is important and learn to take a different role and attitude to what has gone before in order to keep it with people who have no obligations too her.

She may find a bereavement group helpful in other ways and that going to one gives her the confidence to do other things and go to different places -which is a good starting point - buts its important to remember they are not dating sites - men there may not be ready to move into another relationship even one which is just companionship,  and at the other extreme also to be cautious herself about what information she gives people initially or going places with some-one outside of going as a group  -very occasionally a predator may slip through the net -  so i would certainly recommend she doesnt go with the view to dating, but to taking those first steps, talking to other people sharing some of the things she is going through and finding friendship with either men or women over a period of time in which trust can be built.

If she has to be in charge in the kitchen then maybe go out for meals - every so often and take it in turns to chose where ( it sounds like your choice will be the less good one to her -  but at least she wont be able to complain about the times its been her choice, or that cooking the meal is bothersome.)  - the together time could then be spent in the planning - do we go to town,do we go a bit further, what else is in the next town she might like to see - how will we get there, what date suits us both,what are the reviews on trip advisor like - etc etc. THis wont feed her proerly of course but you could send her ideas or if you make a big shepherds pie take some round for her that kind of thing. Is there something she was good at - scones biscuits or something that you could extol the virtues of and get her to want to make for you to take home.?
 
basically let her know that you are not abandoning her, you will spend time with her and help her out with some things - maybe the garden if she has one - or putting the rubish out - things she struggles physically with perhaps - but at the same time being firm that you dont want to move back in.
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Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: Friends
« Last post by Karena on September 18, 2018, 03:56:10 PM »
That pretty much depends on how she was as a friend before this - could be she genuinly didnt log in and didnt take in what you told her properly when she did  -could be she had things on her mind that you dont know about -  but also people who have not shared this experience genuinley dont know what to say or how to react - so i would give her the benefit of the doubt for now. I have found in a few cases that some people will be very sympathetis in the early days then soon lose interest and the ones who have held back initially become the ones that are there longer term.:hug:
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Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: Missing my family
« Last post by Karena on September 18, 2018, 03:49:14 PM »
If you plan on doing that again take a rose quartz and keep it in your pockect - it is suposed to counteract that effect. Dont forget you probably also used up some adrenaline and that will make you feel physically tired, and in turn might add to your negative feelings. :hug:
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Mums Passing
« Last post by jen on September 18, 2018, 03:28:15 PM »
Thank you Emz and karina for the kind words and being welcoming the last few weeks have been hard for me with sorting mums clothes and being at my parents house with all the memories there.

I had to put a brave face on for my dad as it would of hurt him to see me upset i think it's hard for me because i cant have the closure for a few years until we will have our mums ashes which will be anything after 5yrs as she is with Keele medical university Staffordshire as all we have is memories and a lock of mums hair that the nurses did for us when mum passed.

I know mum is happy in happy land as mum called it with her parents and 2 brothers watching over us every day as mum was a spiritual person as her faith was spiritualism.
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / New to this
« Last post by rdsm on September 18, 2018, 03:26:02 PM »
Hi all
Lost my husband 10 weeks ago thought l was coping well but now hit a brick wall don't cry but the sadness is overwhelming  .Would like to know how others manage to get through .
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Husband's death
« Last post by stephenpaul on September 18, 2018, 09:30:17 AM »
Hi,I seem to be struggling today,donít know why but I canít say anything for now but I thank you all for being so kind and just knowing you are all there  :candle:

Hello Saffy.

What you are experiencing is not uncommon, but that is what the forum is here to do, to help each other.

Please feel free to message me if you wish.


Stephen.
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