Author Topic: Introducing myself  (Read 1520 times)

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Offline Doris

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Introducing myself
« on: November 20, 2018, 06:20:36 PM »
Hi I lost my dad recently sept this year. Along with this I discovered while helping mum with bank that my son had emptied their bank of everything. I took on mums bills for her home as it is her own but gave up mine which was rented. My mum has dementia which has been a recent diagnosis. I have been strong for her but feel that I’m grieving for so many losses at once. It’s very hard as I’m an only child to be able to share memories of my dad as mum has lost so many of hers. I feel incredibly scared with the responsibility of mum and the loneliness of grief.

Offline Dave Administrator

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Re: Introducing myself
« Reply #1 on: November 20, 2018, 07:26:44 PM »
Hello Doris and welcome.

What a truly sad first post you have shared with us all, and please accept my sincere condolences for your loss.

It's still such early days for you and the feelings you have are perfectly normal, but never the less very hard to come to terms with and deal with I know.

You'll get a lot of support here from those who know what you are going through right now having been through or are in the same heartache and pain you feel at this time.

Please keep posting Doris, it truly helps pour your heart out no matter what I promise you.
Take care and please keep posting however small or large you can manage, we need them.

Offline Doris

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Re: Introducing myself
« Reply #2 on: November 20, 2018, 07:44:29 PM »
Thank you for allowing my post. It is a sad time for so many reasons. My son has a gambling addiction which I have known about for a few years. My dad adored his grandson and could never believe he would do anything like this to him.it had been going on since March I truly believe dad knew and struggled with it on his own. He had to order a new bank card in early sept as his got kept by bank he saw his last statement reading very little in the balance. He died 6 days after. He was admitted to hospital with a uti and chest infection. We live in Spain but I work in U.K. as a live in carer for the elderly. I never knew dad was in hospital and heard he died by voice mail from my son. I can’t just up and leave my job I have to organise cover and wait for carer to arrive then the agonising flight home. Sadly dad and I fell out in may due to a disagreement about my son I never had the chance to make up with him. What bought on grief for me was I arranged for care for my mum while I came back to work. A lady cleaned my fathers room stripped his bed because it was smelly. It felt he was washed awa and gone I wasn’t ready to grieve yet as I have so much to deal with and in a way I was annoyed with dad for not contacting me about all the bank mess so I could have helped. Sitting in his smelly bedroom I was able to tell him how annoyed I was how sorry I was and that I would look after mum. Yet how so quickly I failed

Offline Karena

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Re: Introducing myself
« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2018, 12:42:27 PM »
 :hug: You havnt failed, you will do your best for your mum but you cannot just put everything you feel aside to be strong for her, you need to be strong yourself ,which means looking after yourself as well.
If you feel you can talk to your dd in his room then changing the bedding doesnt take him out of the room or wash him away - but on a practical level did he have a favourite aftershave or soap that could bring back that sense of him being there - are his clothes still there - i found wearing a big cuddly fleece of my husbands comforting it had been washed but it didnt matter it still felt like his.
I understand why you feel annoyed with your dad but you know that he was trying to protect you in what he did - all any of us can ever do is what seems right at the time but we make those decisions only with love and thats really what matters, more then whether we agree they were the right ones 
Grief is a long journey, as is caring for some-one with dementia and you are just starting out -you will only ever do the  best you can for your mum on that journey.

Offline Doris

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Re: Introducing myself
« Reply #4 on: November 22, 2018, 09:53:19 AM »
Thank you for your reply. Nice words. Sadly none of them apply to me. My father was protecting someone but not me. Keeping him close was not a way of comfort for me but in a sad stupid way so he could see what his inability to face a problem to stop burying his head in the sand has caused. There were so many disagreements over the years due to my sons gambling habit and the cost the lies and damage that goes with it. Sadly my father chose to ignore it. I know I have never failed either of my parents even tho I was reminded of doing so constantly thro my life. As things stand now again I’m left to sort out a huge mess which I cannot see anyway of me being able to look after myself as there is nothing in the pot to do so. Grieve, taking care of myself is a luxury I have never had. Sorry to sound off like this .

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Introducing myself
« Reply #5 on: November 22, 2018, 08:55:58 PM »
Its such a tough journey, not easy when you're having to manage things whilst also trying to grieve. 
Try your best to remember time for yourself, even if it is just ensuring you're eating properly, or having time to go for a walk or time to yourself. Even if it is just ensuring you have time to come here to talk/download  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx