Author Topic: Guilt  (Read 1339 times)

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Offline Dawn Keenan

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Guilt
« on: January 01, 2019, 11:15:11 AM »
Hi this is my first post and I am very nervous about it.  My husband died suddenly on the 27th October 2018 and it has destroyed me.  I feel like I am falling into a black hole most of the time.  Without all the detail I realise that by taking one action I could of prevented his death.  As you can imagine this knowledge is overpowering me and to be honest at the moment all I want to do is to find him and tell him I'm sorry.  People have been very kind but they don't know the whole story and I feel totally hopeless. Thanks for reading.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Guilt
« Reply #1 on: January 01, 2019, 10:19:58 PM »
Guilt and 'should haves' are common in grief, try and be gentle with yourself.  We can only do the best we can with the knowledge we have at the time.
Hope you find the forum a source of support  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Guilt
« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2019, 12:51:14 PM »
Oh dear, that's one of those 'if only' or 'what might have been' situations, Dawn. What you need to remember is that no one can see into the future and no one can change the past. We could probably all think of some kind of scenario in what has happened to us and our lost loved ones that might potentially have changed what occurred, if only we had done this instead of that, but none of us can, because life just doesn't work like that. Personally, I can think of at least three times that might have made things turn out differently for my mum, if only I had done one ting instead of another, but I didn't know what was going to happen or that I could have helped if I had just done something different. You can't torture yourself with this. or blame yourself. As Emz says, we do the best with what we have at the time. Of course we might have chosen to do something different had we only known what was going to happen. But that's just it. We never do. It isn't your fault, just one of those nasty tricks of fate.

As for sinking into a black hole, I think we all spend time in there. Everyone has their own personal black hole and reaching out on this website, for me at least, has been like stretching out a hand to help someone pull me out of it a bit, so please keep posting and let us all do the same for you.

We don't need to know the details of what happened to know that you would no doubt have done all in your power to save your husband, if you could have done and I am sure he knows that too, but life just isn't like that. I'm so sorry, but it happens to us all and is just something we have to learn to live with. We can't change the past and that's that and it's unreasonable to expect anyone to foresee what might have happened if only we had had a window into the future, because none of us does. This wasn't your fault, Dawn. It's just one of those things that happens in life.

Try to see past this and accept the past for what it was. You can't change it. You can move forward carrying the memory of your loved one with you and accept that what was, was, however awful.

On a practical note, you might try counselling to discuss your feelings about what happened or ring the Samaritans. It sounds to me like you might benefit from verbalising this with someone and that is sometimes easier with a stranger. Also try to find little ways to move forward, putting flowers around and going for walks in the park helped me. Maybe join a class or something, Just anything that takes you out of yourself for a few hours a week and makes you think about something else. Just do whatever works in a positive way for you. But do keep posting here. We will all try to help support you.

All best wishes, Sandra