Author Topic: Widowed in January 2019  (Read 2087 times)

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Offline JTS

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Widowed in January 2019
« on: February 23, 2019, 04:09:24 PM »
Hi everyone,

My husband died in January after a long fight with cancer. He was in denial up to the end and I'm finding it so hard to cope, my heart feels as though it's been ripped apart.  Family have been great but I miss him so much and i feel so alone right now. I so wish he would have talked about his feelings.... I would have loved to reminisce....

I'm back to work on Monday - the first day is going to be so hard. Can anyone give me any advice on how to deal with things, I so need help right now.

J xx

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Widowed in January 2019
« Reply #1 on: February 24, 2019, 11:50:55 AM »
Yes, I found going back to work hard. One year on, I still do at times. People are kind and patient in my experience, but more than a year on, I still find it hard to cope from time to time. I did have to have a bit of a cry when people told me how sorry they were. Holding back the tears was hard. Concentrating on work was hard too. Much like dealing with loss, just take it one day at a time for now. Some people find it helps to get back into a routine, so you may find it helps to go back to work. It can distract you from your grief too. If you can have a chat and giggle with colleagues, it might make you feel better, so go along with an open mind and see how it goes. It may not be as bad as you think. Sending strength and hugs.. :hug:

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Widowed in January 2019
« Reply #2 on: February 24, 2019, 07:38:16 PM »
It is a hard step but I found going back to work helped to give me routine and distraction.  Do you have the opportunity to go back on a phased return?  :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline JTS

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Re: Widowed in January 2019
« Reply #3 on: March 07, 2019, 09:27:34 PM »
Hi, thank you both for replying.  It was much better than I thought it would be. HR have been very supportive and said i can go at my own pace. However the work still needs to get done and there is no cover....

I'm struggling to get through each day though, I can be ok one minute and the next i can't stop crying. I miss him so much. Friends say my pain will ease with time which makes me want to scream.  My sister has been great but I can't keep relying on her, she has her own life. I'm embarrassed to see how I've let the house go. I can't even bring myself to sort anything out.

I keep thinking how l long can i take before I have to start sorting/cleaning  - is that awful to even ask that?...

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Widowed in January 2019
« Reply #4 on: March 07, 2019, 11:16:46 PM »
Hi JTS,

I'm so glad your return to work has gone better than you thought. That's the first hurdle over. Like you I have no one to cover my work for me either, so that is an added stress. Just try to have a plan and a list and prioritise whatever is most urgent or important. Don't let it get to you too much though. There isn't usually much that can't wait a while and you are only human and there are only so many hours in the day. so just do what you can, but don't upset yourself over it and do ask for help if you need it.

It's still early days for you, so it is understandable that you are struggling. It is hard to accept that anything matters when you are so mired in your grief. I was the same and I am sure we are not alone. I didn't want to do anything either, no cleaning, no washing up, no cooking, no nothing! I would sit all day in a chair if I had nowhere I had to be without having washed or dressed and it would be evening before I knew it and I would have done nothing but think and cry all day. I think that's why I always feel now that I must remind those on this website to eat and drink properly. It is so hard to do that when you are feeling so low. you just forget to, but it will be no good if you make yourself ill by not looking after yourself properly, so do try to do that at least.

Don't worry too much about the house. You are the priority at the moment. If it gets to the point that it is unbearable, you will end up doing it, but a bit of dust isn't going to do you any harm!

As for sorting stuff out, almost a year and a half on from losing my mum, I still pull open drawers of her things intending to sort them out only to push them shut again, unable to bring myself to do it, so unless you have to for some reason, leave that too for now. It will take time to gather the courage to do it and if you make decisions now about getting rid of anything, whilst you are still so upset, you may only regret it later and feel you were too hasty in having parted with something, so take your time.

I hope things continue on a positive note for you. Try to stay strong and just take it a day at a time. That will be quite enough for now. Sending you a hug! Well done for making it this far! That's quite an achievement in itself, so stop being hard on yourself!  :hug:
« Last Edit: March 07, 2019, 11:22:21 PM by Sandra61 »

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Widowed in January 2019
« Reply #5 on: March 08, 2019, 08:20:02 AM »
Have a think as to where there is somewhere you can go for a brief break when you're at work. I'd go and take a moment in the ladies when I needed, or a quick walk.  Im very lucky that I'm able to work from home, and most of my moments happened there - I still remember working away and all of a sudden tears are dripping all over my keyboard

Pace yourself, work will get done and you are more important.  My work also had no cover, it takes a while but it will settle down  :hearts:  we're here if you want to share how your day has been xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline CarolineL

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Re: Widowed in January 2019
« Reply #6 on: March 12, 2019, 09:49:00 AM »
Hi JTS,
Welcome to this forum, Firstly I am sorry for your loss which is such a short time ago, I too lost my husband to Cancer in the space of two weeks he had been diagnosed and died. Such a shock I know, I came back to work pretty much straight away and my work colleagues were so kind and helpful I do work with lovely people so am fortunate. My advice is take each day at a time, don't push yourself to hard and if things are getting to much (radio plays a certain song or someone who doesn't know your circumstances says the wrong thing) you just take a few deep breathes and a coffee break and try to start again. It will come in time JTS, it just all takes time  :hearts: take care of yourself x