Author Topic: New to this  (Read 1328 times)

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Offline rdsm

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New to this
« on: September 18, 2018, 03:26:02 PM »
Hi all
Lost my husband 10 weeks ago thought l was coping well but now hit a brick wall don't cry but the sadness is overwhelming  .Would like to know how others manage to get through .

Offline Dave Administrator

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Re: New to this
« Reply #1 on: September 18, 2018, 07:02:45 PM »
Hi R and welcome to the group.

It happens all the time I'm afraid, and I guess it's because the numbing shock and disbelief starts to where off leaving you feeling like you do now.

May I offer you my heartfelt sympathy R, and hope you get lots of support from those here who understand.
Take care and please keep posting however small or large you can manage, we need them.

Offline Karena

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Re: New to this
« Reply #2 on: September 19, 2018, 10:28:30 AM »
All you can really do is take it one hour at a time, one day at a time and be kind to yourself.

If you had a physical injury and badly broke some bones - thats what you would do - be kind to yourself. and accept that to move anywhere is a slow process - some days you will need to rest others you take a few steps before going back to your bed -after a while there will be physio - just simple excercises that you dont want to do but force yourself too. there will be times you fall over - many times when something hits you out of the blue knocks you to the ground and you struggle to get back up.Eventually you start to walk more easilly -but it will be a long time even now before you start running and even longer before it is a marathon you run. - There will be hills to climb or mountains to go round -its exhausting, and at the end of all that - perhaps you will accept there wont ever be a marathon, perhaps on a cold and wet day those brocken bones will ache but you will be at peace with that because you will see how far you have come.

The problem with grief is on that same journey people cant see the injury - no -one sees the plaster casts or the crutches, no-one accepts that those excercises are necessary but you do them because you are forced too - return to work, go to the shops, drive, take a bus -come home to an empty house- bother cooking for yourself - everyday stuff that people cant imagine are difficult. Maybe some-one is there some of the times you fall over but they cant take away the pain, often you are on your own when it happens and you have to get yourself back up again - and generally people expect you to do this much faster and get that marathon run,and because people expect it of you then you start to expect it of yourself and stop being kind too yourself but start to see yourself as weak/uselss and even mad sometimes.More than anything the person who would have understood and taken care of you is no longer able too.

But in the same way as with a physical injury you will get there eventually and that is the knowledge that gets you through - that is the physio, the hill climbing, and the mountains to go round, and that person will be there in different ways, - in your head and your heart you will hear what he would have said and know that he loves you just as you love him and that knowledge will give you the strength to keep going.
You will run again but accept that your life is not going to be the same -and thats ok because you dont want to run a marathon any more you  want to climb a mountain instead of going round it  - maybe the one he wanted to see the view from the top of so and you go see it for him - and it doesnt matter if you limp a bit and the ache of missing him is part of you - sometimes you might need a painkiller or two most of the time you live with it -  but it is not as all consumimg as the initial pain.

7 years since my husband died i have hit that wall many times, sometimes the only option is to sit at the bottom of it and rest and then work out how to get past it or through it - maybe chip away at the plaster that hold the bricks together - or maybe some-one who has already done that will show you how they chipped away at it and made footholds and will reach down and help you over - show you the way down or reach out and pull you through - and for me this place, being able to write here and the people who were here, were a huge part of  getting me through them and keeping the black clouds behind me.I hope that this place will come to be that safety net for you too. :hug:



Offline rdsm

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Re: New to this
« Reply #3 on: September 21, 2018, 07:02:03 PM »
Hi
Thanks for replies . Just hope with dark night coming on l don't  feel worse .l wish there was a support group locally but haven't found one. I try to tell myself plenty of other people have to get through these things.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: New to this
« Reply #4 on: September 24, 2018, 08:53:30 AM »
I think it can help to set up a bit of a self care routine, the last few years I've found the change in season and winter challenging so I'm currently thinking about things I can incorporate to help me get through it.  Including ensuring I get outside for some fresh air every day, I think the reduced sun/vitamin D affects me a bit  :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: New to this
« Reply #5 on: September 24, 2018, 11:02:47 AM »
I agree Emz getting outdoors helps even if the sun isnt shining - and in winter when we least feel like being outside in the cold it needs some discipline to do it.I found a brisk walk helped get rid of anger - but just being out there watching the birds going about their daily routine helps. Even in winter wrap up - take a hot drink out with you -light a firepit if its nightime and look at the moon or the stars - i know not possible if its pouring down - and night time sitting doesnt help the vitamin D situation - but actually just have a kit ready to indulge - snuggy blanket, hot chocolate fire pit - fire lighter - bit of wood - or even those compressed log things you just light the paper on.
I had one evening last week when i was literally pacing - nothing on TV couldnt settle to do anything - went for a short walk in the wind (be safe with trees etc in a gale) under a moon that had clouds chasing across it and it seemed to work wonders.