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General Discussion / BBC Radio 4 "You and Yours" programme today,
« Last post by longedge on Today at 07:26:31 PM »
Did anybody else hear "You and Yours" on Radio 4 today? The topic was "Have you found love after bereavement?". There were parts of the programme that just tore me apart but nevertheless I listened. There were people on there who felt as I do that there can never be anyone else and others who have formed new relationships. All very non-judgemental (quite rightly) and, I felt, reassuring for people worrying whether they are normal or are doing the right thing. It's still available on the BBC radio 4 website for anyone interested.
General Discussion / Re: Dementia/change of personality before death
« Last post by Karena on Today at 11:21:36 AM »
Glad to be of help Simon. :hug:
General Discussion / Re: Dementia/change of personality before death
« Last post by Simon on September 24, 2018, 11:13:10 PM »
Thank you Karena, that is immensely helpful and greatly appreciated.
Resources / Radio phone in.
« Last post by Karena on September 24, 2018, 01:44:29 PM »
 One of our members has kindly brought this too our attention - There is a bereavment phone in, on Wednesday evenings from 7pm on this internet radio station.
Even if you dont want to phone in perhaps hearing the experiences of others might help people here - why not give it a try -

There are also some, non bereavement related, but interesting articles on the site and a music player ready loaded with some interesting newer artists and some clever remixes with older stuff for when there is no live show on air.
General Discussion / Re: Dementia/change of personality before death
« Last post by Karena on September 24, 2018, 12:35:21 PM »
Hi Simon,
I think all cases are different, however i have heard about this and seen it with friends parents - in one case an apparently amiable chap who pootled around, helped his wife as she was quite frail and was a loving husband for sixty years, suddenly started being violent towards  her  - and in another, a woman who had been very controlling as a mother suddenly became more loving, more accepting of his friends and totally different in personality.  In her case i think it was  the Victorian values and self control she had been raised with, and  had maintained in her own relationship with her son were gone, and in the first case, frustration and fear - because it must be terrifying when your normal cognition is disconnected. Imagine if you opened your mouth to say something and the wrong words came out, if you couldnt process what others were saying to you, or you knew you were hungry or cold but couldnt help yourself or ask some-one else to help you resolve that. 
My husband died of a stoke but it wasnt the first one and in between he was more prone to losing his temper, with himself as much as us, something i had never seen in him before. but it was frustration at the physical problems but also the fear caused by that loss of connection in the brain that created it.You can see your hand move but it isnt connected to your thoughts its as though its some-one elses hand  - or you cant find your mouth with your spoon, you cant speak properly so people dont hear what you say, you cant remeber how something you used every day works.
I know stroke is not the same as dementia, but it is the same process i think of the normal neuro connections in the brain being damaged whether it is being done over time, or quite suddenly.
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: My Story
« Last post by Karena on September 24, 2018, 11:49:44 AM »
 :hug: we can offer virtual hugs which i know are not the same but are freely available for as long s you need and genuinly meant -

Anger is an odd one - i tended all my life to internalise it and make everything my fault and that gets mixed up with guilt and becomes depression - but what i did find was a long time after my husband died, the new person i had become, is more angry -
I found myself having to walk really quickly up the hill behind my house when new neighbours really annoyed me because that was the only way i could get rid of this weird (for me) energy that was angry.I found bottle banks had a whole new meaning - a place i could legitimately break glass I do think that the anger is there because of grief, even though it isnt directly linked too his death.

If this woman wasnt fit to drive and there is going to be a court case then it would be a mistake to approach her at all - it could jeopardise the case - you may be offered the chance to make an impact statement along with his familly and that might help you to make your feelings about what happened clear to her  in a legal way.
Remorse is not always easy to judge whether it is real or not -

On the one hand - in a court situation some-one who is devastated by what they have done - may appear to not be remorseful because they are so afraid, because they have nightmares about it etc and they have to face up to what they have done and the people they have hurt - they may cut their own feelings off in order to stop themselves having emotional outbursts in court, they may have been prescibed prozac or something similar, which also affects their behaviour and makes them seem in control and without emotion.

On the other and some-one who is not really remorseful may put on an act to avoid a prison sentance -and regret only that they lose their licence etc - the oscar pretorious style of acting in court was very different too his behaviour outside it -  so how would you know whether it was real remorse or whether lack of it in court wasnt how she really was feeling - only her future behaviour over future years will give you a proper indication of whether she is really remorseful.

I wonder whether there is a more positive way to channel anger should it arrive - I,m over the neighbours -but instead use the anger to campaign for other and more important things.
You dont say in what way she was unfit to be driving - if it was drink or drugs then thats a direction to focus anger in and turn it into something more positive so maybe some-one else will think twice about doing it and destroying another persons life.
But this isnt the time for that, - for now take each day a day at a time, come back and write - we will be here for you for as long as you need - but also i think maybe if you can talk to just one of your familly or one friend, and ask for that hug you will find that there are people who do want to be there for you still, they just dont know how too and are waiting for you to take the lead - i know you shouldnt have too, but it is all too often the way. :hug:
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: New to this
« Last post by Karena on September 24, 2018, 11:02:47 AM »
I agree Emz getting outdoors helps even if the sun isnt shining - and in winter when we least feel like being outside in the cold it needs some discipline to do it.I found a brisk walk helped get rid of anger - but just being out there watching the birds going about their daily routine helps. Even in winter wrap up - take a hot drink out with you -light a firepit if its nightime and look at the moon or the stars - i know not possible if its pouring down - and night time sitting doesnt help the vitamin D situation - but actually just have a kit ready to indulge - snuggy blanket, hot chocolate fire pit - fire lighter - bit of wood - or even those compressed log things you just light the paper on.
I had one evening last week when i was literally pacing - nothing on TV couldnt settle to do anything - went for a short walk in the wind (be safe with trees etc in a gale) under a moon that had clouds chasing across it and it seemed to work wonders.
General Discussion / Re: How's everyone doing?
« Last post by Emz2014 on September 24, 2018, 08:55:49 AM »
I'm having a bit of a challenging time at the moment, so lacking in energy a bit.  So I've decided to come up with a bit of a self care plan to help boost me a bit.  Thinking of what soups I could start to make, get back to my bread making, and some other things that feel like I'm looking after myself

How is little Rory? :-) 
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: New to this
« Last post by Emz2014 on September 24, 2018, 08:53:30 AM »
I think it can help to set up a bit of a self care routine, the last few years I've found the change in season and winter challenging so I'm currently thinking about things I can incorporate to help me get through it.  Including ensuring I get outside for some fresh air every day, I think the reduced sun/vitamin D affects me a bit  :hearts: xx
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: My Story
« Last post by Emz2014 on September 24, 2018, 08:50:43 AM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug:
Unfortunately that is so common, people are around soon after a loss but then drift back to their lives.  Especially when they havent lost someone themselves, they have no idea how long bereavement takes  :hearts: xx
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