Author Topic: Losing a parent  (Read 2857 times)

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Offline Debs1983

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Losing a parent
« on: October 29, 2017, 09:12:02 AM »
Hi, I lost my dear Mum 7 months ago and it is the hardest time... time has stood still.  Mum fought her battle with cancer but that wasn't what took her ten days after some positive news about the cancer. It was a devastating shock which I still think I am in but just recently have had moments when the pain has subsided, not for long and only briefly.  I am emotionally most of the time unless I am with others, this is only just happening as but feel totally exhausted! My husband seems to think I need help from the doctor, I would just like to be able to express my feeling, just reading some of the posts on the forums have already made me feel I am not going crazy.
My Mother was a very domineering woman, I spent the majority of my life being torn between my family and her but going it alone now is something completely new and very scary, yes she was so strong but sweet and kind and I so desperately miss her presence, words, guidance and love of life.  She fought her battle with hope and courage and never gave anything away about how she felt.  I needed to know but she wouldn't share this with me, only saying the doctors were looking after her.  I kept her wishes but this not sharing now is still so hard, the ifs and buts are constant in my mind, not having answers as she would never talk about what might happen. It has left me so confused about my life. 
I hope I can learn from all the posts about my healing journey and in turn offer my support.
Debs x
« Last Edit: October 29, 2017, 09:18:47 AM by Debs1983 »

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Losing a parent
« Reply #1 on: October 29, 2017, 10:17:45 PM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug:  it certainly helped me to be able write how i was feeling and share thoughts here, hope it helps you too xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Debs1983

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Re: Losing a parent
« Reply #2 on: October 30, 2017, 09:08:56 AM »
Thank-you Emz2014, I hope it helps as well , reading the posts are helping knowing I am not the only one going through such pain, as at home it seems like it. Family members are having a hard time watching me going through this, the length of time passes and they want me not being upset, I get that and the effect it is having on their lives but the pressure to 'mend' faster, I feel is just about them having their world back to normal, I have begun to shut down and depression is beginning.
I am interacting with people, I am forcing myself but the enormous effort to act and tell them I am ok, when I am not, mostly because they will just react like the family, has such negative feelings on me, tearful, tired, no point, hopeless and it takes me a couple of days to get over seeing people, which is leaving me wanting to withdraw even more.  I feel I am doing to much, because it's what they want me to do, friends and family say this is what I have to do on my 'healing journey' but do not have the courage to tell every one to leave me alone.  I am on this journey alone and sometimes I want that and sometimes I don't, it is all so so confusing, is this 'normal', thank-you to anyone who understands this  x

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Losing a parent
« Reply #3 on: October 30, 2017, 01:40:27 PM »
That sounds normal to me, I clearly remember craving company/being with people but at the same time not wanting to see anyone either.  I think its just such complex emotions, that we need someone to be there a certain way but of course we can never predict how people will be.  Also, sometimes what we think we need then turns out to be what we dont actually want and the other person likely gets confused!   I think it can just be just where we are so raw/in pain, its hard to let people in

I became very good at wearing a mask - those friends that didnt get it I focussed on those meetings being a distraction, letting them lead.  I do have one friend who could always see through the mask - she had been through a loss herself years ago, and that gave me an outlet, I could be honest and let someone into my thoughts/how I was really doing a bit

Is there one friend you could chat to?  Or, if you dont feel you can you can use the forum - we all understand the many guises of grief. 

It will get easier, just concentrate on little steps.  And sometimes a TLC day does us good too - take a day where you only have to focus on you, and do nice things - I found that sometimes having a dvd day helped me, could put on a film, get under a blanket and just quietening my mind for a bit did me wonders. A little bit of time with less expectations on myself  xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Debs1983

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Re: Losing a parent
« Reply #4 on: October 30, 2017, 04:48:25 PM »
Hi Emz2014,
Really appreciate your reply and advice.  I will find some time for TLC as know it is what is needed and especially the meeting advice to use them as a distraction, that is a good one, I have a lot of friends who love to talk about themselves!! and I have always been the one who has listened, so can do that now and it might take my mind of me!. I will were the mask I always have as well.
I will turn to the forum now I have found it, people who understand, it is so important and take small steps, thank-you again xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Losing a parent
« Reply #5 on: October 31, 2017, 07:00:04 PM »
Partly we know other people expect us to move on,but partly we also do it too ourselves because they expect that. But unless they have had the experience they cant really understand So we get into catch 22  say we are OK when we arnt  and in a way that is a kind of rejection where they genuinely do care too, because what can they say,when we effectively ended the conversation.We have all done it so you're not alone in that,
I lost my mum to cancer in 2004 so a long time ago and not the loss that brought me too the forum.But two years ago a Xmas carol on the radio had me sobbing over her all over again,so its not something that ever really goes away. and the time for you is much less.Before she died she was staying with us and really enjoyed watching birds in the garden so I put feeders out where she could see them.After she died I put them and her favourite plants and awater feature in a corner and that was my little space just to sit and be alone but feel close too her.That was where I went for my early morning coffee and when I got upset.That space became really important.It doesn't need to be that kind of space,but any space ,a notebook,a favourite place from happier times with her
.Its not always easy with other bustle of life going on,but it doesn't have to be for long periods.If you can't find a space even just taking a long bath,light some candles stick some foam or oil in maybe even one that has a smell she liked,and lock the door.

Offline Debs1983

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Re: Losing a parent
« Reply #6 on: October 31, 2017, 09:04:25 PM »
Hi Karena,
Thank-you for your reply and sharing your memory with me of your special place. I have been thinking about, but haven't done anything, finding a place to talk to her, I am so missing her and our talks and the very thought brings me to tears. We spent a lot of time being with each other, sharing likes etc. so know it will take a long time and pleasing others before myself has always been a problem.  Developing a new is going to take time but have started to write in a notebook, it is very hard and hope it begins to be more comforting, I will not force the issue although I agree, I do expect and wish I was ok.
I am having a lot of avoidance issues, I stopped enjoyable activities immediately, stopped looking at anything Mum bought me, not wearing jewellery she bought me, photographs destroys me, visiting places she went, I want to confront them, there are a lot and are only just realizing it is denying myself pleasure. The thought of smelling her perfume is just impossible.
I feel so insecure about sharing this but I can do this on here, hoping others will understand.
Thank-you again x
 

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Losing a parent
« Reply #7 on: October 31, 2017, 10:41:19 PM »
Some things can be too raw early on in the journey.  People find different reactions to photos, places etc - some people can look at straight away and look at alot, some cannot and timescale will vary.  Whatever you are feeling is right for you at this point in your journey.  You'll find the right time you are able to try these things again.  There's a few places I have struggled to go back to after losing my dad - first time made me quite sad but in time they also now bring back good memories and a feeling of being closer to him. I found little steps helped me, re-introducing things slowly  :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Losing a parent
« Reply #8 on: November 01, 2017, 12:17:48 PM »

 :hug: I agree it takes time and everyone differs and different things have a different affect .I talked about my mum before but i found this site much later after losing my husband and i had to move house after that, so had no choice about packing up going through and moving stuff. In the end i packed everything because i couldnt make decisions about what to keep. When i camt to unpacking Some things i put out straight away -his dressing gown on the back of the bedroom door - his fleece that was snuggly - because i needed to feel him still around me. I recreated my mums corner and dug a pond to create an area for him too.But it was four years before i could open our wedding album.